Okay, well I have an eating disorder...Not quite anorexia not quite bulimia...It's called EDNOS. Eating disorder not otherwise specified. I was doing alright with it for a while, I was eating the minimal 900 calories a day...And I was keeping my exercising down. Then my best friend lost all this weight and got tiny...So I look like a frickin whale next to her. And then I realized I always look like a whale. So now I'm just sitting here, not eating, and not that it matters because my mom feeds me about once a week anyways. But I've started getting all the shitty side effects again...Blacking out, legs just stop working when I'm walking and I collapse, throwing up whenever I have too much. I dunno, I'm just so tired of this cycle. I'm tired of starving, but I don't have enough energy to make myself eat and make myself give in. It's like every bite I take I'm a failure, and I want to cry.
I guess what brought this all to the surface was the fact that I got a boyfriend that knows I USED to have an eating disorder, but doesn't know I picked it back up. I don't know what would happen if he found out, or if anyone found out. I just wish I could take a frickin' knife and chop off all my fat and be skinny like the rest of my friends. I know that won't happen though.
So it's back to the eating disorder cycle with me. Starve, binge, purge, starve some more. I'm sick of being fat, and I'm sick of not being as pretty as my friends because I have all this blubber making me look like a frickin' pilsberry doughblob. I wanted to be skinny so I could do all the things I love without having to worry about looking obese while doing them...And here I am twenty pounds later...And I look fatter than ever.
Thanks for reading to my stupid rant. Any thoughts or feedback is welcome.
XOXO