Hey everyone,

I am not depressed, because that is such a strong word and I am overall very happy with my life. And yet I have so many flaws that surround me and slowly eat away at me, which lately has been causing me huge amounts of stress.

First its all the stereotypical things most teens talk about at some point. Socially I don't know what to call myself. I'm certainly not popular, but I wouldn't call myself totally unpopular either. I have a lot of kids who I'd call "school friends", but not that many outside of school. Granted I have some, but I only hang out with them a few times a month. I'll go out to eat with friends, maybe catch a movie, hang out over someones house, etc., but its not very often. I usually spend my time just hanging around my house or at the gym (I'll get to that later). I hear stories about kids and their great weekends, and all I've done that weekend is just sat around my house watching tv. I really do spend a lot of weekends just doing nothing. Its pretty lame, but at least I get out every once and a while I guess. Just wish it was more. Most kids, when I meet them for a first time, seem to get the vibe from me that I'm fairly popular, which is far from true. Most of my good friends are way more popular than me personally, so that probably sends off this very wrong message. I'm guilty at times of exaggerating my popularity, which inside makes me feel sick and a poser.

Heh, as far as relationships go, I suck. Never dated, never asked a girl out, never been asked out, never kissed, etc. Sex? Not even close. And I'm 17 and a senior in HS! Its pathetic. My friends make fun of me for it and I barely talk to girls. I'm friends with like 2 or 3 girls, and thats it. I have a very hard time talking to them literally, and its obvious I don't have very much confidence. I don't look at them in the eye, I stutter, say dumb things, break off conversations, etc. I'm not as bad as I used to be, but it still sucks. I'm just pretty awkward. I really want to be better with girls when I get to college and have a clean slate, but how can I without any experience whatsoever in HS? Even so-called "rejects" (stupid term I know) do better than me inthis department.

I don't really like my looks. I had bad acne so I went on accutane, which cleared it up. And yet I dislike my face. Dislike my nose, cheeks, ears, etc. The only part of my face I like is my blue eyes.

I'm pretty obsessed with my body. I go to the gym 5 days a week and do heavy weight lifting. I find solace in the gym lifting weights, with friends sometimes. I am really muscular for someone my age (not bragging) and I consider myself in great shape. People tell me so. I wear tight shirts to school to show off the guns, but it probably makes me look like a huge tool. I somehow feel like being muscular will get me girls and improve my self-esteem, and it really has not at all so far. I'm always popping bodybuilding supplements (legal ones) like creatine, glutamine, extra protein, ZMA, nitric oxide, beta-alanine, amino acids, etc. Even though these are all legal I feel like I am hurting my body and like I'm a druggie.

I think the reason I'm such a gym rat is because I want more respect. In middle school I was weak and a bit overweight and got my ass kicked more than once. My freshman year I ate very little and got really skinny. Sophmore year I finally decided to work out and add as much muscle mass as I could, which has worked well. Now I'm strong and I know martial arts, so people don't mess with me. Sometimes I just want to street fight if a kid bothers me and then after these thoughts I feel like some dumb testosterone junkie.

Religiously I'm a huge hypocrite. When I speak online I'm a devout traditionalist Catholic, and I'm quick to judge everyone else. To many adults I'm also a devout Catholic. In real life I almost never attend Mass and I take the Lords name in vain and I have sinned in just about every way. I am too ashamed to confess to a priest and be absolved. I do not publically state my religious beliefs because I don't want to be looked down upon by my peers (most are very nonreligious) and because I am very spiritually weak and cannot avoid sin even privately. I am a disgraceful sinner to God.

I say stupid things sometimes. I hate hurting peoples feelings and always kick myself about it.

Politically people don't understand me (as a fairly right-wing conservative teenager living in New England, I'm a rare breed). In our current news class its always me against the entire class. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of kids who don't make an opinion on things at all because they are too busy getting high on weed and watching trash like MTV.

I am a big hypochondriac. I am always afraid that I'm about to get sick or have some major organ failure. I spend a lot of time on the net looking up various symptoms of illnesses and sometimes I feel I have these sicknesses, which I likely don't. I have a weird obsession with my kidneys.

I've got some other personal things that bug me as well, which I'd rather not say here.

So yeah, thats my problems in a nutshell. If you made it through all that, thanks a bunch for reading . I am blessed with many good things, such as a loving family, good health, a good community and country, some close friends, etc. These triumph over the bad things in my life, but I still let the bad things stress me out, as they are right now.