Simply, I'm depressed. Lately, though, more so than usual. I just don't know what to do anymore.

When I was in grade eight I started going to counselling. I've always been shy and self-concious, but I started to dislike how socially isolated I had become. I didn't like how I was being treated at home. After about a year, I stopped going. I started high school. Things were a bit rough, but everyone told me it would be a big adjustment. I didn't make friends easily. We lived in the country, I had to take the bus home from school, so I couldn't stay or come early to get involved with extracurricular activities. Grade ten was worse. I was still socially isolated and I was miserable. Everyone told me grade ten was the hardest. Nonetheless, I was worried. I wouldn't classify myself as suicidal, but the thought had crossed my mind. I told my mom. I returned to counselling and was put on antidepressants. I didn't feel a difference so I quit both. Grade eleven and twelve were better. I put myself out there, made more friends and actually enjoyed the last bit of high school.

I just finished my first year of university. Me and my horse packed our bags and headed to school, almost 6 hours away. At first I was so homesick. By Christmas break I was having a blast. In fact, I found myself depressed at home. Returning to school in January made me happy. I've been home from school for about a month now. By day three, I was miserable. I miss school - I miss my classes, my friends, the routine. At home, my parents are always on my case. I got a job, it's not good enough. My mom wants me to keep looking - "what if I don't like the hours?" Or "I won't make enough money for school". There's lots that's good in my life. I'll admit that my problems aren't that big, there are plenty of people in worse situations than me. But it seems like the negative is outweighing the positive. I don't think I could ever kill myself. However, sometimes I think it's the easiest option. And I know that for that reason, it's the worst option. It's cowardly. I can't imagine the impact suicide would have on everyone else's life. Still, I'm not happy. I think about hurting myself, how much easier everything would be if I didn't have to deal with it all. I went to my mom last time. This time I'm not sure I can. I know she'd be supportive, but she's been so negative lately, I'm not sure what her initial reaction would be.

I'm sorry for rambling so much. I'm not asking for pity or trying to get attention. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know who else to talk to.