Well I don't know where to put this thread.
It all started around grade seven, my best friend, showed me this game he bought, 18 Wheels of Steel: Across America. I played it, and bought the new game at the time, 18 Wheels of Steel. I remember doing a google search for images of the game, and seeing that somebody had modified a truck and I liked the concept of it so I decided to investigate how it was done. By the end of grade seven, maybe middle of grade eight I was modeling trucks on the computer alot. It was very time consuming and I started to avoid doing my homework in favor of sitting on the computer and modifying the game. In grade eight, my friend Kelsey moved away.

The game "addiction" continued, I was turning out trucks and was on some forums where there would be truck shows, and I'd be turning out trucks at a good rate. Sometime time during grade 9 I think, my best friend and I had parted ways a bit, we had drove each other crazy. He decided to "put himself out there" and was no longer like me, just no so much into the games and stuff as I was. Now hes got lots of people he knows and hes "popular" ,and where still friends to this day. Back to grade 9.

Kelsey calls me up out of the blue. I can't remeber where she got my number but we get to talking and stuff. She started calling more often and we'd chat on the phone for a while. She lives about 8 hours away from me.
I guess you could say, it was a long distance relationship. We didn't get to see each other though, because she only came up to visit a handful of times, and we'd always miss each other and not get to meet.

Well through our chats, I found out stuff that I didn't know about her. I didn't know she was depressed and some other stuff. I didn't know she cut herself either.

She also noticed that I wasn't so affectionate or whatever on the phone.

One night she calls, tells me that she's got a knife to her arm, and thought about ending her life.

This scared the crap out of me.

towards the end of our "relationship" I tried to get her to stop cutting and feel better about herself, but it was dragging me down, and I too, became depressed. I had crazy dreams of jumping off the second floor of our school right over the food court with a rope around my neck, and other dreams of me bleeding to death on the floor.

My intrest took a dive and towards the end of our "relationship" she forced me to either say she was a bitch or something else, I can't remeber. I didn't think she was either and I don't quite remeber how I got out of that call, but I honestly didn't think she was a bitch or whatever she was talking about.

After this point, I guess I was trying to keep a straight face on everything. I never told anybody that I felt like hanging myself or whatnot.

Except for Phil.

Phils a guy that added me on Yahoo! messenger, when I was on a lawnmower racing forum (lol).

Me and Phil got to chatting about shit and I just kinda unloaded on him. I kinda feel bad for him but he's kept me going when I've been out. Sounds kinda weird I know but its nothing bad. He was almost like the online therapist.

Well into grade ten and my interest is lacking in computers and editing/modifying games. Was getting bored.

I was taking math and science last semester, and I was doing okay until I guess I found stuff hard, and when I got home, I just sat at the computer browsing forums and stuff, instead of working on my homework.

Well, in that semester, I got a 50 even in my science, 56 in math, and then I had gym and info processing/religon(which I personally don't believe in), which I got about a 67 in gym and I can't remeber what I got in the last course.

Well now were coming to the end of semester two of grade 10.
My marks aren't too great, but there in subjects I don't really mind. Social Studies and English. I went to Jamaica for two weeks for my cousins wedding, and had a blast (thank god).

I'm trying to bring up my Social mark, and my English mark too.

My best friend is grounded. Hes in math 10 pure, and he's having a hard time and had some assignments that he didnt pass in, and failed two tests.
His parrents are sending him to summer school. And today, My mom and his mom were talking while they were waiting for us to come out from school.
Now my mom is considering sending me to summer school. I had planned on going to work all summer so I could fund my truck project (I love cars and car audio aswell)

Now it looks like I'm not going to have any cashflow for a while. Doesn't overly bother me.

So I'm sitting here on the computer. Dad opens the door. Are you doing homework, no I say. Well if those marks aren't up your in serious trouble.


Now I'm freakin out after he leaves.

I haven't been depressed really for a while now..
but...

after those words, I figured I shoulda hung myself when I had it still in my mind..

Now I'm sitting here.. I bet my blood pressure is up..

I'm worried.. I'm scared...
I don't know whats going to happen.

I can't tell my parrents this, they wouldn't believe me I don't think, and they would think this is a coverup for my slackness.

If they take away my computer.. its like taking away a junkies dope.
I don't have too many friends and I struggled with school and would spend hours at my homework, and I never really did any exciting stuff and I don't play sports, so doing the game stuff was my only real "high", even though I haven't done a truck for months, I still just sit here and browse forums.

I might as well throw this in while its in my mind.

Grade five, was the start of sexual education. Which was at the end of the year. That year, I went on vacation, so I missed the introductary to sexual education at school. Now, grade 6-8 the teachers were going to do it but never ended up having enough time for it.
Grade 9-10 we never did it either, they figure you'd know this by know.
So I decided I'd have to teach myself. I don't want to have my parrents to teach me about sex, to me its akward having my parrents try to educate me on that kinda stuff.

So what I resulted to was finding adult films and trying to educate myself that way..
I do know a bit but not alot about sex.
I do know about condoms and such, at least.

So I don't know really what to end this with..
I have been meaning to post this for a while but today its on my mind all day.

Oh, also.
I'm a bit overweight. I weighed 292 when I got back from Jamaica, but I am 6' 1". I am trying to get my weight down for health reasons. My "relationship" with Kelsey was the only one I've had and as you might have guessed I'm still a virgin.

I don't get any dates or girlfriends, I guess cause of my weight, and I look like I'm 20, but I'm 15.

Holy long post batman.