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Old 06-04-2012, 04:07 AM   #1
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What do you think??

Still She Stands

Still she stands,
Among the ashes of crushed dreams,
In the oblivion of empty promises,
And the torture of a wounded heart.
She rises above every obstacle
Every challenge
Every opportunity.
No more are her miniscule faults,
Mistaken for ignorance.
Or her quirks,
Misinterpreted as stupidity.
All those people who scorned her,
Shall forever be reminded of the one-who-got-away.
She is emblazoned by her charm,
Imprinted in the minds of millions to come.
If you wish to reject her,
It makes no difference, for you see,
Still She Will Stand.


What do you guys think??
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Old 06-04-2012, 04:12 AM   #2
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Re: What do you think??

wow! that is really good!
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Old 06-04-2012, 04:19 AM   #3
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Re: What do you think??

Thank you!
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Old 06-08-2012, 08:14 PM   #4
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Re: What do you think??

(DISCLAIMER: This is just my opinion)

It started out okay (first 3 lines), got a little wobbly (next 6 lines), got really good (next 2 lines), started sucking (the rest of the poem), but never totally sucked.

I love the ambiguity of the first line. "Still she stands" could mean any of a number of things. It could mean that she is standing still, in shock or something, or it could mean that she went through something and is still standing.

The line "among the ashes of crushed dreams" doesn't make sense. Your dreams weren't burned, they were crushed... The line after that "In the oblivion of empty promises" is gorgeous. The line after that "and the torture of a wounded heart" doesn't really flow with the first 3 lines, so this throws the whole poem off balance. Imagine reading that as a sentence. "Still she stands, among the ashes of crushed dreams, in the oblivion of empty promises, and the torture of a wounded heart." It's a great sentence until that last part. (better explanation: until that last line you're describing where she is. [AMONG the ashes, IN the oblivion,] then you get to that part and it's like... I just don't get it.)

The lines after "she rises above every obstacle" are kind of redundant and unnecessary. I'll just come right out and say that I don't understand what you mean by "No more are her miniscule faults/ mistaken for ignorance". That's a little too ambiguous.

"Or her quirks,/ Misinterpreted as stupidity" is probably the best part of the whole poem imo. Just because people's 'quirks' are often looked at as immaturity or unintelligence. A lot of people don't realize that, and you pointed it out so humbly and I thought that was cool.

It pretty much goes down hill from there though, and turns into this huge egomaniacal rant about how great she's going to be/ how much she just doesn't give a shit what people think because of how great she's going to be. And that kind of dismissed the humility of the last two lines I talked about.

It wasn't bad, the word choice was awkward sometimes ("No more are her miniscule faults" "It makes no difference, for you see," ). One mistake that a lot of people make when they write poetry is assume that it doesn't abide by grammatical rules... so they throw in random commas when a sentence isn't finished and it makes the poem seem choppy and unbalanced. That's just something I noticed.

5.4/10 ayeee

Favorite line(s): "Or her quirks,/ Misinterpreted as stupidity"

Least favorite line(s): "No more are her miniscule faults/ mistaken for ignorance"

Last edited by Chuck Finster; 06-08-2012 at 08:17 PM..
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Old 06-09-2012, 09:34 AM   #5
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Re: What do you think??

Its good
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Old 06-11-2012, 05:18 AM   #6
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Re: What do you think??

I really liked it, and I usually hate stuff like this. Really nicely put.
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Old 06-15-2012, 02:39 AM   #7
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Re: What do you think??

I like it alot. Perhaps the part about the "crushed ashes" was meant to be like a metaphor of a fire of "dreams" being stamped out?
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Old 06-17-2012, 02:45 PM   #8
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Re: What do you think??

I like it. I agree with ChristianHippy that it had some weaker areas, but I like it a lot. :0)
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Old 06-17-2012, 04:29 PM   #9
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Re: What do you think??

"In the oblivion of empty promises" - Loved it.

The rest was mediocre at best.

Constructive criticism - Whatever you did to come up with the above mentioned line, do that a whole lot more.
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Old 06-18-2012, 03:56 AM   #10
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Re: What do you think??

Quote:
Originally Posted by Muffinhead123 View Post
I like it alot. Perhaps the part about the "crushed ashes" was meant to be like a metaphor of a fire of "dreams" being stamped out?
Oh wow, I like that. I doubt that's what the author was going for but that was a seriously impressive interpretation of that line.
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