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Old 07-09-2012, 07:10 AM   #1
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Just Because

The sky kissed the golden line
where the lack of light met the neon signs
and the fire gripped my perfect muse,
while the lungs of my life dissolved around you.

This can't go on much longer
"we" is like reading Plato through water,
but tonight we'll live like we deserve
married, and miserable in the real world.

I'll play guitar for our two kids
and you'll sing and dance the way my father did.
But tonight sucks, like it always does.
So let's get high, just because.








So... Gimme thoughts.
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Last edited by Chuck Finster; 07-09-2012 at 07:28 AM..
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Old 07-10-2012, 10:17 PM   #2
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Re: Just Because

I like it. The flow is good and the content is nice.
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Old 07-11-2012, 01:51 AM   #3
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Re: Just Because

I like the ending. It's funny.
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Old 07-11-2012, 05:15 PM   #4
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Re: Just Because

Agreed. I like the ending Very good.
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Old 07-13-2012, 10:36 AM   #5
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Re: Just Because

this is pretty horrendous poetry IMO

it starts out awfully pretentious with just cringe-worthy imagery, then the next two verses are completely unrelated to the first, and each other. and... yeah. it's bad.
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Old 07-13-2012, 10:38 AM   #6
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Re: Just Because

i liked it ^^
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Old 07-13-2012, 10:56 AM   #7
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Re: Just Because

Quote:
Originally Posted by Butthurt Burt View Post
this is pretty horrendous poetry IMO

it starts out awfully pretentious with just cringe-worthy imagery, then the next two verses are completely unrelated to the first, and each other. and... yeah. it's bad.
Let me dig for you.

Quote:
The sky kissed the golden line
where the lack of light met the neon signs
and the fire gripped my perfect muse,
while the lungs of my life dissolved around you.
I'm getting high, and I'm telling the love of my life about my life.

Quote:
This can't go on much longer
"we" is like reading Plato through water,
but tonight we'll live like we deserve
married, and miserable in the real world.
I was saying that me and the love of my life's relationship is outrageously complicated
so much so that we pretend we're something we're not.

Quote:
I'll play guitar for our two kids
and you'll sing and dance the way my father did.

But tonight sucks, like it always does.
So let's get high, just because.
That continues here, and then it ends with me saying "fuck it let's just keep getting high".

Maybe it's pretentious, but hey, I never claimed to not be. Look at my username. Look at my signature. Look at everything I've ever posted. If ever you needed an excuse to call someone pretentious that would probably be it. Lmao.
However, the stanzas*** were definitely related to each other. It might have just gone over your head.
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Last edited by Chuck Finster; 07-13-2012 at 11:01 AM..
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