My song!

[arik-ellon]

Well I don't have a name for it yet but I started a song for a band I'm in (that also has no name yet ) and i'd like some opinions.
So tell me if u guys like!
Thx!

Close the doors,
Shut my window
Staring through the glass
Looking at my past.

Open hearts,
Open road
Keep on getting faster
As the green light turns to yellow.

When we keep movin' on,
I just wanna yell STOP!

If I could escape to Paradise,
Don't you think that I would
give it a try?
Another dare, another dream
Another thing you think seems,
So unthinkable.

Et c'est tout pour maintenant!
That's all for now! Hope you guys like it and give me feed back! Thanks again!

[Dark Universe]

pretty good
Your band name should have a creative name.
p.m. if you need help naming.

---------- Post added at 09:16 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:16 AM ----------

pretty good
Your band name should have a creative name.
p.m. if you need help naming.

[(8)jaseyrae<3]

Lyrics are good, it's hard to tell without hearing your sound though, have any videos or anything of yous playing?

[arik-ellon]

Naww.. sorry... but if you look under creative writing you can see my finished song!

[arik-ellon]

Originally Posted by aomifyirty80

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Oh yea, totally good advice! thanks soooooo much!!!

[Chuck Finster]

It was really good until the last stanza, and even that wasn't necessarily BAD.
7/10

[TinyChatGuyManDude]

This isn't terrible enough for me to lose faith in the world.

But it seems like you're trying to speak for too many people.

Be more specific. Almost to the point that people are like.. "Whoa, thats really oddly.. specific"

Be personal. Thats what music is, thats what art is. Art is presenting your child to the world.
You can put that child in its best clothes, its rags, or no clothes at all.

ITS ALL UP TO YOU.
So it should be all about you.
Art is inherently self-serving, yet very conscious of the world around it.

Or at least this is just how I feel.

[arik-ellon]

Originally Posted by TinyChatGuyManDude

This isn't terrible enough for me to lose faith in the world.

But it seems like you're trying to speak for too many people.

Be more specific. Almost to the point that people are like.. "Whoa, thats really oddly.. specific"

Be personal. Thats what music is, thats what art is. Art is presenting your child to the world.
You can put that child in its best clothes, its rags, or no clothes at all.

ITS ALL UP TO YOU.
So it should be all about you.
Art is inherently self-serving, yet very conscious of the world around it.

Or at least this is just how I feel.

Thanks for the advice! I totally understand what you are saying. Truthfully, these lyrics aren't really true to me... it didn't come from my heart and i've never experienced anything that's like how it is in the song. I'll post some of my REAL stuff sometime.

---------- Post added at 05:28 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:26 PM ----------

Hey Just to let you guys know, you can see the whole song under the music forum.

[funnyfrets117]

I actually think, coming from a longtime songwriting perspective, this isn't worth entirely throwing away....if you adjust the words so its either all about one person, or all about lots of people, it works really well.

For example:

Close the doors,
Shut the window
Staring through the glass
Looking at our pasts.

Open hearts,
Open road
Keep on getting faster
As the green light turns to yellow.

When we keep movin' on,
I just wanna yell STOP!

If we could escape to Paradise,
Don't you think that we could
give it a try?
Another dare, another dream
Another thing we think seems,
So unthinkable.


OR

Close the doors,
Shut my window
Staring through the glass
Looking at my past.

Open hearts,
Open road
Keep on getting faster
As the green light turns to yellow.

When it keeps movin' on,
I just wanna yell STOP!

If I could escape to Paradise,
Don't you think that I would
give it a try?
Another dare, another dream
Another thing you think seems,
So unthinkable.



It sounds like something I could imagine Paramore singing, to be honest.
But I also agree, specific can make it better, so I would suggest adding more to the song, give it some more beef, and make any new parts much more specific or personal, if that's possible.

Definitely don't stop writing though, you're quite a talent.

[arik-ellon]

Thanks! But as I said, you can see the full song under the title "Finished Song! XD" I think i need to change it a bit though..

[funnyfrets117]

Oh...I totally missed that! Sorry!

[OX:Rainbows:Xoxoxoxo]

What is the song about, because when i played round with the lyrics if you make the song just about you, it seems like your in a relationship that is moving too fast and yes you want to escape to paradise but your young and don't want to settle down with then i suggest chasing stuff to "wind up my window" and "my YOUNG heart on an open road start to doubt as the green light turns to yellow" otherwise love it especially the mini chorus at the end!