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Old 06-11-2012, 11:45 PM   #1
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So sick of trying...

I'm so confused about so many things... I came up with these three phrases that summarize everything I've been through:

1. I can't live here, but I can't live there.
2. I can't love my girlfriend, but I can't leave my girlfriend.
3. I can't stay best friends with this guy, but I can't NOT stay best friends with him.

And now, here's the more detailed version (if you're not bored already):

1. I'm American, living in Lebanon (hence my penname or whatever it's called). Now I'm currently in my first year of college which is very close to home and so I never moved into dorms or anything of that matter. I'm now living with my dad alone. He is an alcoholic, he hates my mom (who is currently visiting my brother and sisters in USA for 2 months), he hates me, he drinks every single day and hates EVERY one of my friends (I can never have them over, unless I'm 100% sure he's not there).

I am now considering moving to USA and continue college there because I simply can't take it here anymore with him. But then I think to myself...This is NOT an easy decision. This changes my entire life. I am soooo accustomed to living here, and I LOVE it here (despite dad-issues) and I can't imagine NOT living here. Yes, I know, I could probably get used to it over there very soon, but I don't know if I want to. I know so many people who used to live here and I was the closest friends with them, but they had to move abroad for education and that kind of stuff. Now they come over for the summer and they are DIFFERENT. I am not that close with them anymore, and I will hate myself if I become like that if I ever decide to move.

2. My girlfriend.

We've only been going out for two and a half months. But we get along so well and we're good together. She actually makes me happy.

But I am so not in love with her I feel guilty so bad, all the freakin' time. Because she is crazy about me. Around two weeks ago, I realized it is so wrong to lead someone on like that if you're not into the relationship as much as the other person is, so I broke up with her. But not like that "ok, we're over". It was a long conversation of me telling her that she really deserves someone who's so much better because honestly, she does. SHE IS THE MOST AMAZING PERSON EVER.

The next two days were HELL for me. I couldn't take it anymore, being away from her, so we talked again and things were good again. Now I'm thinking, "Does this mean I love her? Or I'm just confused?" Then, my best friend told me something that really hit me. He said that I don't love her, but I love being loved.

She is my first serious girlfriend. So maybe that's why I'm holding on to her so bad? I'm so confused about this issue!!

3. My best friend.

I don't know where to begin. I have written so many threads here (depression thread) and friends&family thread relating to my situation with my best friend. It seriously makes me so paranoid and I HATE the way things are between us.

I'm too attached to him.

That's how I can summarize the entire story. WAY too attached. I think about him a lot, I love hanging out with him ALL THE TIME, I get jealous when he's hanging out with other guys and they're doing things we used to do. Yeah, things changed a lot between us ever since I finally decided to let it be a problem. I used to be okay with him not being as attached to me as I was, but the second I realized that I wanted it to be an issue, we became weird a little bit. Not a lot, though, to be honest.

We still hang out. And the weird thing is, when we ARE hanging out, it is THE SAME. Just like old days. Awesome. Cool. Too much fun. But when we're NOT hanging out, negative thoughts fill my head. Or when I see or hear that he was hanging out with some of his other friends (there's this one guy who's been attached to him for the past few weeks now, it's killing me) I get jealous!! WHY?!! I am NOT gay, I am NOT attracted to him...

I'm really just sick of trying with him because every time I think to myself that he doesn't care about me as much as I do, he does something to prove that he cares A LOT and I go back to square one where I'm thinking "I can't cut him off".

If there were two buttons in front of me, one with "Cut him off of your life" and the other was "Keep him in your life", I DO choose the "Keep him" button.

BUT! If keeping him in my life means me obsessing about him like I'm doing now, then........I still don't know

Thanks for reading this really long crap. I hate ranting. But I had to.
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Old 06-12-2012, 04:39 AM   #2
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Re: So sick of trying...

in regards to your dad, well whatever he's like he probably has problems thats why he drinks. Otherwise no one would drink for no reason it seems like he has a drink problem. Maybe try talking to him or a counselling service who can give him support.
If you hate the situation you're in then you have to decide what you want your life to be like. You are in control of your life, don't give up it will be hard but if you really badly want it to change then you will find a way. Try studying some self help, google Anthony Robbins and he will help you.

In regards to your girlfriend, I personally think it's fine because you're not cheating on her or leading her on. You haven't promised to marry her or anything and if she makes you feel good and happy then whats wrong with that. You seem like a nice caring person to be considerate so give yourself some credit.
Your relationship is young you've only been together 2 an half months so it's early to decide if you're madly in love with her. Just enjoy the time you do have together.
Maybe over time she will grow on you and if you can't seem to leave her either it must mean that there's something there
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Old 08-04-2012, 03:03 AM   #3
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Re: So sick of trying...

Regarding your dad, try to talk to him, and see if he understand s you. There is the option of moving, but before making that desicion, try to help him first, so you wont feel guilty. About your ex gf I agree with topbuisnessqueen. I feel like atleast you told the truth. That should be a releif, you can still be friends and hang out. You get to explore your options a d still see her. Best of both worlds right. LOL. About your bff, It is normal for someone to be jelous, but you have to not be so possessive. Try to get along with the people he hangs out with so you can all hang out. Just don't give up. Enjoy your life . You seem like a amazing person! God and I love you. Don't give up!
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Old 08-15-2012, 03:30 PM   #4
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Re: So sick of trying...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jacoby12 View Post
Regarding your dad, try to talk to him, and see if he understand s you. There is the option of moving, but before making that desicion, try to help him first, so you wont feel guilty. About your ex gf I agree with topbuisnessqueen. I feel like atleast you told the truth. That should be a releif, you can still be friends and hang out. You get to explore your options a d still see her. Best of both worlds right. LOL. About your bff, It is normal for someone to be jelous, but you have to not be so possessive. Try to get along with the people he hangs out with so you can all hang out. Just don't give up. Enjoy your life . You seem like a amazing person! God and I love you. Don't give up!
Hey thanks so much!! This comment kinda my day! I'm not giving up Enjoying life as much as I know how...

God and I love you too (sorry, I made it weird...signing off now)
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Old 10-20-2012, 05:57 AM   #5
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Re: So sick of trying...

I know im very late but im glad you feel better and if you have any problems never hesitate to inbox me
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