I'm so confused about so many things... I came up with these three phrases that summarize everything I've been through:
1. I can't live here
, but I can't live there
2. I can't love my girlfriend, but I can't leave
3. I can't stay best friends with this guy, but I can't NOT
stay best friends with him.
And now, here's the more detailed version (if you're not bored already):
1. I'm American, living in Lebanon (hence my penname or whatever it's called). Now I'm currently in my first year of college which is very close to home and so I never moved into dorms or anything of that matter. I'm now living with my dad alone. He is an alcoholic, he hates my mom (who is currently visiting my brother and sisters in USA for 2 months), he hates me, he drinks every single day and hates EVERY one of my friends (I can never have them over, unless I'm 100% sure he's not there).
I am now considering moving to USA and continue college there because I simply can't take it here anymore with him. But then I think to myself...This is NOT an easy decision. This changes my entire life. I am soooo accustomed to living here, and I LOVE it here (despite dad-issues) and I can't imagine NOT living here. Yes, I know, I could probably get used to it over there very soon, but I don't know if I want to. I know so many people who used to live here and I was the closest friends with them, but they had to move abroad for education and that kind of stuff. Now they come over for the summer and they are DIFFERENT. I am not that close with them anymore, and I will hate myself if I become like that if I ever decide to move.
2. My girlfriend.
We've only been going out for two and a half months. But we get along so well and we're good together. She actually makes me happy.
But I am so not in love with her
I feel guilty so bad, all the freakin' time. Because she is crazy about me. Around two weeks ago, I realized it is so wrong to lead someone on like that if you're not into the relationship as much as the other person is, so I broke up with her. But not like that "ok, we're over". It was a long conversation of me telling her that she really deserves someone who's so much better because honestly, she does. SHE IS THE MOST AMAZING PERSON EVER.
The next two days were HELL for me. I couldn't take it anymore, being away from her, so we talked again and things were good again. Now I'm thinking, "Does this mean I love her? Or I'm just confused?" Then, my best friend told me something that really hit me. He said that I don't love her, but I love being loved.
She is my first serious girlfriend. So maybe that's why I'm holding on to her so bad? I'm so confused about this issue!!
3. My best friend.
I don't know where to begin. I have written so many threads here (depression thread) and friends&family thread relating to my situation with my best friend. It seriously makes me so paranoid and I HATE the way things are between us.
I'm too attached to him.
That's how I can summarize the entire story. WAY too attached. I think about him a lot, I love hanging out with him ALL THE TIME, I get jealous when he's hanging out with other guys and they're doing things we used to do. Yeah, things changed a lot between us ever since I finally decided to let it be a problem. I used to be okay with him not being as attached to me as I was, but the second I realized that I wanted it to be an issue, we became weird a little bit. Not a lot, though, to be honest.
We still hang out. And the weird thing is, when we ARE hanging out, it is THE SAME. Just like old days. Awesome. Cool. Too much fun. But when we're NOT hanging out, negative thoughts fill my head. Or when I see or hear that he was hanging out with some of his other friends (there's this one guy who's been attached to him for the past few weeks now, it's killing me) I get jealous!! WHY?!! I am NOT gay, I am NOT attracted to him...
I'm really just sick of trying with him because every time I think to myself that he doesn't care about me as much as I do, he does something to prove that he cares A LOT and I go back to square one where I'm thinking "I can't cut him off".
If there were two buttons in front of me, one with "Cut him off of your life" and the other was "Keep him in your life", I DO choose the "Keep him" button.
BUT! If keeping him in my life means me obsessing about him like I'm doing now, then........I still don't know
Thanks for reading this really long crap. I hate ranting. But I had to.