I'm drunk & hurt.

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I started when I was 15. It started off as a punishment thing for several reasons. Around that Christmas i had a massive fight with my dad that caused us to break contact. My stepdad went away with the army and my relationship with my boyfriend went down the drain. I missed male attention so I exposed myself on the Internet. It felt good at first, like They valued me. But afterwards I just felt like trash, because that's essentially what I had become. That was the first time I cut myself. I couldn't turn back the clock but I hated the new me, and tried to destroy it.

But the main thing was I'd developed feelings for my best friend, but she confided in me that she wanted to go out with this other girl. I was still not really accepting the fact that I could be bisexual, and I knew regardless I needed to let this girl go, so I cut myself whenever I was in a state of wanting her. I guess I thought that it would eventually make me not love her any more. But instead I just got addicted, because as much as the intention was punishment, I actually liked the feeling. It felt intense, and I felt really in control; it was satisfying in a way that I had the capability of doing it to myself, especially since I find it so hard to express myself in person a lot of the time.

But I knew it was a problem, and as much as I tried to hide it my friends know me too well. They've helped me through this, even though I never told them my real feelings. They didn't want to interrogate me, they just wanted me to get better. And although after 2 years I still can't shake those feelings or kick the habit fully, I am getting there. Slowly...

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I've contemplated doing it, but (so far at least) it hasn't gone beyond that.

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If you smacked a kid with a bottle of 'Johnson's No More Tears', wouldn't it create beautiful irony?

Yes I've cut myself, and it's gotten really bad since I've first started and that was when I was around 14 years old.

The first time was an accident, I was really stressed with school, having to tip toe when in school because I was being watched by C.A, as well as literally mothering my younger brother since I was 10 while my mother was at work or out sleeping with guys.

That one week in summer my mother decided to disappear so I watched him 24/7 with next to no sleep because of his odd sleeping patterns, when she had finally came home I snapped at her accidently to which she responded by throwing a bottle on the ground and taking my brother to our grandmothers. When I went to pick up the glass I accidently cut myself, I realized it didn't hurt, it actually calmed me down a bit.

Not to long afterwards when I had a breakdown I grabbed an exacto knife and started cutting my legs. Again it didn't really hurt, but it calmed me down and took the stress away. It was sometime after my 16th birthday that I had learned about 'self harm' and that other people did it too, which is ironic since I've been suicidal since I was 13.

From then on I just kept doing it whenever the stress, personal issues or suicidal feelings overflowed and needed to be let out.

I've read alot of these posts. Everyone who has said that they haven't cut have slated everyone who has or has said that they never will. Before i cut myself i thought exactly the same as all of you. Why would you cut youself? You must be really messed up to do something like that. Until you've been in that position you have no right to judge anyone else. We've all made mistakes and everyone has done something that they regret.

When someone cuts themselves they feel so bad about themselves - they don't feel like they have a right to life. They feel so angry and ashamed at themselves that they take it out physically on themselves. It's an immidiate release of pain.

If you ask me now would i cut myself again, i couldn't say no. Once you've done it it's really hard to stop. Do i regret it - of course i do! I've learnt not to judge anyone though because everyones life is hard in one way or another.

Lorah,
x

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I have.
It's easier then crying all the time.

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-bésame-

I cut myself when I was opening and taking out a package of paper for my printer