I'm posting here because I feel like I have no one else to turn to.

I was homeschooled for most of my life, but after my dad's death (which was shortly followed by a cross-country move) I've started going to public school. Last year (8th grade) was my first year, this year (9th grade) is my second.

I'm currently seeing a counselor once a week and taking medication for my depression. Both help, but I can only imagine how much better I would be if I didn't go to school. Nothing about me fits with other kids my age. I mean, when I was homeschooled, I always enjoyed things like reading, writing, and drawing. Since I was alone a lot during the day, I also learned to pay close attention to other people, love all of my friends no matter how new or old, and to always try my hardest not to say mean or hurtful things.

But now that I'm at school, I have no idea who I am and who I want to be. I've been highly attracted to guys since I was in elementary school, so it's basically at a point now where I can't get silly celebrity crushes or just shrug it off when a hot guy doesn't notice me. I constantly feel like I'm not pretty enough, not stylish enough, not cool enough, and not sexy enough. My group of friends also split up this year when people moved, went to a different high school, etc. So I'm basically alone now, and I feel like I can't connect with anyone and make new friends because (as mentioned above) I'm not pretty enough, not stylish enough, not cool enough, and not sexy enough. I mean, I know that everyone always says, "Just be yourself!" But it isn't working for me anymore. I'll keep making good grades, but I don't really care about how college kids that I've spoken to are acting or how they wished they'd acted when I'm miserable in the present. "Maturity" is overrated when you have no friends and no boyfriend. I'm not going to give up reading, but is it really that big of a deal not to advertise that I like it so that people won't think I'm a nerd? If I don't sleep around, is it really that big of a deal if I try to look sexy? I constantly feel confused and depressed, to the point where it's an everyday part of my life. If I have to take much more of this, I don't know what I'm going to do. I might just drop out of school and be homeschooled again.

Does anyone have any advice? I'd really appreciate it.

...I typed a long response to this earlier, but somehow it got deleted. I'll rewrite it later. Possibly tomorrow after some sleep I'll be able to be more coherent, too.

Ha, ha...OK. Thanks for taking the time to write it, even though it got deleted.

I hate to bump this topic, but I'm feeling especially low right now and I could really use some advice. I made a checklist of things that I needed to get done today, and so far I've only checked off two of them. I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep for a really long time...

I was tryping a long response but I stopped and erased it.

I basically experienced what you're going through right now (in a way.)

If you want someone to talk to, we can talk in a messenger (msn, aim). I'd be happy to try to help.

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Eh...I don't like AIM that much. And I don't have MSN. But thanks anyway.

Version #2:

When you're feeling depressed, it's a good idea to stay away from the internet and go outside. If you haven't done so already, start exercising everyday. If you don't want to run, just take a walk for about 45 minutes a day. The fresh air will help, and sometimes talking or just saying hi to random strangers can lift up your mood. You'll also feel more confident about your body.

Since you're clearly at a low point right now, don't force yourself to do anything you don't want to do. It's good to be productive, but if not checking a lot of things on the checklist will only make you feel like a failure, go easy on yourself. Take a break and do something you enjoy.

I wish I could tell you something you haven't heard, but it's true: In the bigger scheme of things, anything that happens in high school doesn't matter. It sounds like you're having a hard time connecting with your peers because you're more "mature" than they are (it shows from your writing and your train of thought). There should be a few people who are like you, but I guess they're not easy to find. If both you and your parents don't mind, maybe you could skip high school and go straight to a community college? College kids tend to be more accepting of people who like to read and don't pay as much attention to your fashion style.

If all fails, then don't be yourself. If you can't make friends in high school by being you, then act like someone you're not. We all laugh about the stupid things we did in high school, so I'm sure this wouldn't be a big deal in the long run. Make yourself look dumber, start wearing makeup or more stylish clothes, and change whatever it is you don't think you're doing right. Just don't try so hard to fit in and end up like those cheerleaders who were involved in the video beating. That was just peer pressure at its worst.

I personally think having a boyfriend is overrated and, at a young age, can be harmful. If I were you, I would stick with trying to make friends for now. Do it one step at a time.

Hope that helps.

Alrightey.

I think iphu made a good post anyway, hopefully it'll help.

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Thank you so much for the advice, especially the part about not going to the Internet when I'm depressed. The Internet is what I use to get my mind off of things, or at least that's what I like to say. But sometimes I think it adds pretty significantly to my depression, especially when I spend a lot of time on sites like MySpace, where everything's one big popularity contest. I think that I could benefit from spending a lot less time on the computer.

As far as the boyfriend thing goes, I really wish that I could share your view on it. But since I was homeschooled, I've never actually had a boyfriend. So my boy craziness has just built and built since I was about two (I'm honestly not kidding) until it's all I can think about. I think I could handle the situation at school a lot better if I didn't want a boyfriend so badly.

look at all those popular hoes... Look deeper into them as an past the present. Most of them will be addicted to drugs, hoes, unemployed, std dirty.
All those groupies that focus on impressing other people can suck my dick. I'm sure u look straight up fucking hot. Dont be running like a lil hoe like them n start giving head jobs at 12. I'm sure u dont wanna have herpes or aids in ur early teens r 20 or ever. There are about 6 billion people on earth is it hard to beleive there isnt a right guy for u.
hmm depression for me cradle of filth and world of Warcraft saved me from killing myself atleast 30 times when I had a nife right next to my belly button seconds from commitig scuicide. Also anger helped me prolly not good but I wanted and still want to get revenge on the assholes that made me go through that. Another thing that helps me get better is religion...no none of that god bull shit, but Satan. I never ever recieved help from this socalled god. So one thing that helped me was to help others see the other pov. And that helped with my depression. Yet I'm still depressed no where near as much as b4 though

Your post made me laugh so hard. I have to say, I'd really like to stay herpes/AIDs free.

And on the subject of religion, that's really helping right now. I know that you don't believe in God, and I respect that, but I actually went to a youth group tonight and ended up having a really good time. It felt good to be around other people my age without all of the BS that goes on at school. I mean, I actually got to talk to a girl my age who didn't look me up and down and try to "beat"/one-up everything I said. It was shocking, to say the least.

Thanks so much. You're probably right, I really just feel like I haven't found my place yet. I'm going to join a couple clubs next year, though, and I've already started going to youth group again. I've slowly been starting to feel a little better.

well I did say religion, for me catholicism wasnt working out for me, antons morals made alotmore sense. But hey we are all diff.

This isn't gonna help you by sitting here whining about it. You need to suck it up and realize that things are the way they were meant to be. Life isn't fair...some people are the center of attention. Other people are boring individuals that feel like they're helpless in today's world. Yeah, you don't fit in with anybody. We get it. Now go out there and make a change in your life now...because in 10 years nobody is gonna care that you're still boring cuz you refuse to change.