In my shoes..

SweetTemptations · 04-29-2008, 08:53 AM

I have to warn you first its long. But i''ll really appreciate it if you read it.

I don't really know how to even start this but here goes. I'm 19 years old i'm not in college yet I took a year off. I think im so behind on alot. Most of my friends from highschool have all moved on to college or got a job. Which I haven't done, not that its a big part of what i'm going through I just feel so behind. My mom and dad always puts me down they sometimes talk about how some of my younger cousins will pass me and say they'd be embarrased if they were me because i'm "wasting my life" and say i'll never make it on my own. I know my mom is embarassed of what her friends will think of me.

I'm not at all close to my family, my aunt died three years ago two days after christmas, one of my other aunts has breast cancer and my uncle (her husband) has a brain tumbor. I feel like an outcast in my main family. I see my brother once a month, when we were young we were close but now we don't even say a word to eachother. I feel like my parents favor my brother so much more than me. When there with there friends or anyone I hear them talk about how proud they are he has a good job, and is living on his own and everything. Alot of times i feel compared to him. Me and my parents dont even spend time together, we dont eat at the dinner table together, we don't watch tv together. I don't talk to them about what im going through were basically aquantinces living under the same roof. What we say to eachother is all small talk.

I haven't had the best past years ago my dad cheated on my mom and I feel like she took alot out on me she used to hit me well open hand hit me after all this happened. She was really strict and treated me like a child. One day I couldn't take it anymore so I ran away to my friends and called CAS Child abuse my friends aunt was a social worker there. I stayed at my friends for about 3 days her parents were really good to me and said I could stay aslong as I like and that the doors always open. I didn't want to go and live with a foster family so on the 3rd day my parents came and got me and brought me home. After that my mom never once layed a finger on me in a bad way. Yeah she still treats me as a child and I feel like she tells me I have to grow up but at the same time treats me like i'm 5 years old but its alot better than my past situatuon. Also at that time where she used to hit me she would judge my friends almost as if she were living my life for me. That all changed after I ran away though. The friend that let me stay at her house was also my bestfriend up until she started dating another good friend of mine and in the last years of highschool she stopped hanging out with me because she was always with him. Even though I was the one there through everything.

After I left highschool practicaly all my friends drifted away and we stopped talking and hanging out. In highschool I was really happy casue I had alot of good friends but now I have little friends and even better friends online than ones in real life which is sad. I stay home practically everyday home watching tv or on my computer.. I'm not a nerd but theres just nothing else to do to keep me entertained. I dont go out very often probably once a week. Which is probably why I stopped making friends so it's kind of hard for me to make some when I cant meet them in the first place. I don't have ANY close friends where I can talk to them about what im going through I put a fake smile on my face infront of everyone. I haven't gone to see someone about my situation because if I cant even tell my parents and friends how can I tell a stranger? I don't try to end my life, I do think about it though, about who would even cry and miss me. I cry every single day never infront of anyone. Another reason why I don't go to see someone is because I always think its gonna get better once I get to College and start making friends again.

I guess what im looking for is advice. I want to get my life back on track.

Msz_RiaHBoO · 04-29-2008, 11:56 AM

i can see where you're going with the friends issue, i can relate to a few things you're going through, but my advice to you would be, try to get a job so you're not home almost everyday, you know?try going out to see a movie or something to get your mind off of things you're not happy with in your life and gradually over time things will fall into place once you move out and go back to school and stuff.i wish you the best

iphu · 04-29-2008, 01:00 PM

Don't stay home. Isolating yourself usually does you more bad than good. Just go out, watch people, talk to the few friends you have, call random strangers maybe, whatever. Being alone when you're feeling depressed is just a recipe for disaster.

I think I may have read too fast, but did you say you're still in college now? Do you know what you're majoring in already? It's easier to get back on track if you know where you're going. If the answer is no, talk to a counselor. A counselor will help you make a specific plan until you graduate.

You should also call the counseling service on your campus. I know you said you can't talk to a stranger, but sometimes it's easier to talk to strangers who barely know you than to your family and close friends. The opinion of a stranger usually matters less than the opinion of a family member or a friend, but it feels good anyway knowing you've let someone know about how you feel.

Don't feel like you have to solve all your problems all at once. You should worry about getting yourself to feel better for now. Everything else can wait.

Cradle of Filth · 04-29-2008, 04:59 PM

hmm my dad puts me down all the time, basicly the same things as u...compared...can survive on my own all that shit...i used to asolate myself scince October all the way to march....I guess I can borrow some of the advice they give u?? What happened to ur mom wen u called the CAS?

SweetTemptations · 04-29-2008, 11:27 PM

No i'm not going to college yet I applied this year though. Right now i'm not in school, don't have a job not much to do. Yeah I do have little friends from highschool I sometime's hangout with, i'm going to try to keep going out as much as I can. I used to wait for someone to contact me and ask me to hang out but since that's not working out i'll start asking them. Thanks

SweetTemptations · 04-29-2008, 11:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cradle of Filth

hmm my dad puts me down all the time, basicly the same things as u...compared...can survive on my own all that shit...i used to asolate myself scince October all the way to march....I guess I can borrow some of the advice they give u?? What happened to ur mom wen u called the CAS?

Well when I called I wasn't even talking to her at the time. I phoned her anonymous saying I was safe, that's about all. When I called CAS I knew I didn't want to live in a foster home with other people. After a while I called my mom to talk to her on the phone she was crying really bad and I felt bad about that even though in the past thats what she made me do. I didn't really have a problem with my dad he never hit me. Anyways my mom came over to my friends house so we could talk and she said she wouldn't do it anymore so I went home with her. After that she never touched me anymore but I do get those little comments. I was supposed to see the school counselor but I stopped after the first talk I had with her.

Dreamer · 04-30-2008, 11:45 AM

Im in a slump kind of like you are. For now ive accepted it and im doing little things to improve. Im looking for a job going to the gym and making friends. It always gets better you just have to wait.

SweetTemptations · 04-30-2008, 10:29 PM

Thanks Guys.