I just need to get a lot off my chest. I've been feeling really overwhelmed lately, and I feel bad talking to my friends about it all the time because the friends I really trust and talk to about everything (I have a bit of a trust issue) are all dealing with stressful situations of their own right now.
This is most likely going to be really long, because I have a lot on my mind. Feel free to ignore me =P

Okay, I guess I have to start with my medical issues, because otherwise the rest of my issues might not make sense.
I describe myself as a medical train wreck. I dont like telling people about it, because I dont want people to treat me differently, but of course people wind up finding out anyway because, I have to face it, its a rather big part of my life. I have ten diseases, some of them are really nothing and dont bother me very often if at all, some of them are constantly sending me to the ER. I see more doctors in two weeks than most people will see in 20 years.
But its not the doctors, pills, and bloodwork that bother me. Its more of how I feel. I just hate feeling sick all the time. I got diagnosed with Graves disease, a thyroid condition, in 2004. I havent felt well since they removed my thyroid shortly after that. I mean, if it were one thing, it would be alright. But I mean, ten illnesses is a lot for a body to handle. I'm on tons of medication, of course, but things go wrong all the time. I know its bad of me to say, but I kind of want someone to appreciate that I have to do everything a normal teenager does, but its five times more difficult for me because I'm constantly in pain.

As you can imagine, I dont go to school much. I got homeschooled in 7th grade when I got diagnosed with my first disease, but that was just a disaster and I hated it. Those were the darkest times of my life, and I dont doubt they always will be. I had no one to talk to, I hated myself, and I wanted to die.
All I'm going to say about school is its very overwhelming. I just have so much to do, and I feel like such an idiot when I cant get it all done. I know I'm not the smartest person in the world, but I also know I'm not stupid. The work is easy for me when I'm in school, but when I dont know what anyone's talking about it just gets more and more difficult.

There is one thing I am very bitter about, and that is sports. I used to be such an athlete, and of course since I have a heart problem and several symtoms of other diseases I cant really do anything anymore.
I was a serious tennis player until the day I got diagnosed with my first disease. I had been playing since I was three (its possible, I'll expand if you dont think so), and it was the one thing I was just really passionate about. I'm not going to go into a ton of detail because I could go on for hours, but I went to tennis schools and practiced for hours every day and played matches and everything.
I just miss it so much. The life I knew and loved so much was torn away from me so fast I didnt even have time to take one last look. Sigh. Okay. Moving on.

I have a friend who has gone missing. Not missing as in someone kidnapped her, but missing as in her mom pulled her out of her boarding school, her cell phone has been disconnected, and no one has heard from her in 3 months. We're working on trying to figure out where she's gone. But its stressing me out because I miss her, and I'm worried about her.

I have another friend who recently tried to commit suicide. I cannot deal with losing her. Or anyone I care about, really. I have had more than one friend who has commited suicide, I'm leaving it at that.

I'm also very very insecure. I dont know why. Its just one of those things, I suppose.

I think thats about all the venting I can deal with for now.

I do have a bright side. I mean, I'm just overwhelmed. I never think my life is total crap (although there have been times I have thought that, times I think I should think that, and times other people tell me I should think that).
I have a sense of humor. I think that's important. I love to laugh and smile. I can laugh even when everything is going wrong, which I think has helped me through some tough things.
I have amazing friends. That fact gets me out of bed some days. I happen to love them more than anything. Even the friends I'm not too close to have made it clear that I always have a shoulder to cry on, and that means so much they have no idea.
I also found color guard and winter guard, which have been amazing. I met almost all of my best friends through guard. I have a lot of my best times through guard. And there is simply nothing like it. I just love every single minute of it.


Okay, wow. I wrote a lot. I'll be amazed if anyone actually reads it all. But it felt good to vent =)

I read it all. Heres what I think.

I think you are one hell of a person. Let me explain. You have all of these diseases and all of these horrible things have happened to you. Yet you still march on. That takes a lot of mental and physical strength. You'd be surprised but not many people are like that.

Don't think of your diseases as weaknesses. Think of them as strengths. Let me explain. Even though you have these diseases you still attend school and are not socially inept. Your a really great person and I don't think people understand the magnitude of that.

I know this may sound weird but hear me out, you say you wish you had people to understand how hard it is and for people to tell you that. Well listen, your issues are bigger than most peoples and you put up with it better than them. Thats how you differ from other people. Your stronger than they are. Your a real trooper.



I hoped I've helped you. If you wish to talk about anything, anything at all more then just PM me.

Wow... you are one heck of a person, god.
Believe me your alot stronger and better than what you think.

I read it all, and every work influenced me, it was moving

Aw, thank you guys.
That rant up there was a product of my stress. When I'm stressed I'll pretty much tell anyone about what I'm stressed over =P
Plink, I might just take you up on your offer.
But really, thanks. Its just good to know that someone out there heard me.

I want you to know that being overwhelmed and feeling stupid at school, etc happens to everyone, it doesn't sound like your illness is holding you back (except in sports) thats great!