Well I don't know where to put this thread.
It all started around grade seven, my best friend, showed me this game he bought, 18 Wheels of Steel: Across America. I played it, and bought the new game at the time, 18 Wheels of Steel. I remember doing a google search for images of the game, and seeing that somebody had modified a truck and I liked the concept of it so I decided to investigate how it was done. By the end of grade seven, maybe middle of grade eight I was modeling trucks on the computer alot. It was very time consuming and I started to avoid doing my homework in favor of sitting on the computer and modifying the game. In grade eight, my friend Kelsey moved away.

The game "addiction" continued, I was turning out trucks and was on some forums where there would be truck shows, and I'd be turning out trucks at a good rate. Sometime time during grade 9 I think, my best friend and I had parted ways a bit, we had drove each other crazy. He decided to "put himself out there" and was no longer like me, just no so much into the games and stuff as I was. Now hes got lots of people he knows and hes "popular" ,and where still friends to this day. Back to grade 9.

Kelsey calls me up out of the blue. I can't remeber where she got my number but we get to talking and stuff. She started calling more often and we'd chat on the phone for a while. She lives about 8 hours away from me.
I guess you could say, it was a long distance relationship. We didn't get to see each other though, because she only came up to visit a handful of times, and we'd always miss each other and not get to meet.

Well through our chats, I found out stuff that I didn't know about her. I didn't know she was depressed and some other stuff. I didn't know she cut herself either.

She also noticed that I wasn't so affectionate or whatever on the phone.

One night she calls, tells me that she's got a knife to her arm, and thought about ending her life.

This scared the crap out of me.

towards the end of our "relationship" I tried to get her to stop cutting and feel better about herself, but it was dragging me down, and I too, became depressed. I had crazy dreams of jumping off the second floor of our school right over the food court with a rope around my neck, and other dreams of me bleeding to death on the floor.

My intrest took a dive and towards the end of our "relationship" she forced me to either say she was a bitch or something else, I can't remeber. I didn't think she was either and I don't quite remeber how I got out of that call, but I honestly didn't think she was a bitch or whatever she was talking about.

After this point, I guess I was trying to keep a straight face on everything. I never told anybody that I felt like hanging myself or whatnot.

Except for Phil.

Phils a guy that added me on Yahoo! messenger, when I was on a lawnmower racing forum (lol).

Me and Phil got to chatting about shit and I just kinda unloaded on him. I kinda feel bad for him but he's kept me going when I've been out. Sounds kinda weird I know but its nothing bad. He was almost like the online therapist.

Well into grade ten and my interest is lacking in computers and editing/modifying games. Was getting bored.

I was taking math and science last semester, and I was doing okay until I guess I found stuff hard, and when I got home, I just sat at the computer browsing forums and stuff, instead of working on my homework.

Well, in that semester, I got a 50 even in my science, 56 in math, and then I had gym and info processing/religon(which I personally don't believe in), which I got about a 67 in gym and I can't remeber what I got in the last course.

Well now were coming to the end of semester two of grade 10.
My marks aren't too great, but there in subjects I don't really mind. Social Studies and English. I went to Jamaica for two weeks for my cousins wedding, and had a blast (thank god).

I'm trying to bring up my Social mark, and my English mark too.

My best friend is grounded. Hes in math 10 pure, and he's having a hard time and had some assignments that he didnt pass in, and failed two tests.
His parrents are sending him to summer school. And today, My mom and his mom were talking while they were waiting for us to come out from school.
Now my mom is considering sending me to summer school. I had planned on going to work all summer so I could fund my truck project (I love cars and car audio aswell)

Now it looks like I'm not going to have any cashflow for a while. Doesn't overly bother me.

So I'm sitting here on the computer. Dad opens the door. Are you doing homework, no I say. Well if those marks aren't up your in serious trouble.


Now I'm freakin out after he leaves.

I haven't been depressed really for a while now..
but...

after those words, I figured I shoulda hung myself when I had it still in my mind..

Now I'm sitting here.. I bet my blood pressure is up..

I'm worried.. I'm scared...
I don't know whats going to happen.

I can't tell my parrents this, they wouldn't believe me I don't think, and they would think this is a coverup for my slackness.

If they take away my computer.. its like taking away a junkies dope.
I don't have too many friends and I struggled with school and would spend hours at my homework, and I never really did any exciting stuff and I don't play sports, so doing the game stuff was my only real "high", even though I haven't done a truck for months, I still just sit here and browse forums.

I might as well throw this in while its in my mind.

Grade five, was the start of sexual education. Which was at the end of the year. That year, I went on vacation, so I missed the introductary to sexual education at school. Now, grade 6-8 the teachers were going to do it but never ended up having enough time for it.
Grade 9-10 we never did it either, they figure you'd know this by know.
So I decided I'd have to teach myself. I don't want to have my parrents to teach me about sex, to me its akward having my parrents try to educate me on that kinda stuff.

So what I resulted to was finding adult films and trying to educate myself that way..
I do know a bit but not alot about sex.
I do know about condoms and such, at least.

So I don't know really what to end this with..
I have been meaning to post this for a while but today its on my mind all day.

Oh, also.
I'm a bit overweight. I weighed 292 when I got back from Jamaica, but I am 6' 1". I am trying to get my weight down for health reasons. My "relationship" with Kelsey was the only one I've had and as you might have guessed I'm still a virgin.

I don't get any dates or girlfriends, I guess cause of my weight, and I look like I'm 20, but I'm 15.

Holy long post batman.

I have read your entire posting, interesting read my friend.

First off, let me tell you depression is common amongst teenagers, how we handle the situations are much differently depending on who we are as individuals.

It seems you are addicted to the computer (obviously) when school should be a first priority, I had the same problem when I was your age, however I was somehow able to maintain good grades. There is no magical cure for this, the only logical explanation is self-control, you need to control your urges and limit your computer usage, sit down and do your homework. Since I was in your situation, I know it is much more difficult then it sounds for someone who isn't use to it, but YOU need to WANT to change before doing so.

However, I always was well-known in my school rather than being socially isolated, however you seem to be extremely pessimistic towards yourself, you need to be a little more confident. Being a virgin isn't necessarily bad, you need to realize there are over 6 BILLION people on this planet, finding that special someone takes a little longer for some than others to locate.

Summer school, as much as it sucks, might help you and your addiction to the computer and going on lawn mower forums (lol), you need to fight this addiction.

Hanging yourself doesn't solve anything my brother, nothing at all. Do you happen to cut yourself if I may ask?

Why did your relationship end by the way?

As for sex advice, give me a PM sometime, I can give you some tips and hints, promise.

You need to identify what causes these suicidal urges, when you feel the need to hurt yourself, you then need to tell someone so they can prevent you from actually doing it, this person needs to be someone you sincerely trust, even if it is an internet buddy, it is much better than nobody at all, but preferably have it be a RL buddy.

What are you looking to solve in this thread? Your thread is very broad, what specifically are you wishing for?

I don't honestly know what I wanted to solve ..
Just wanted to get it all off my mind.

I wouldn't mind going to summer school, just my parents getting pissed off at me is what I hate.

I don't cut myself. I honestly don't think that would solve anything (how.. odd, huh).

I don't know I guess I thought of suicide as a way of escape from all this, to get out of the situation..

But I don't know why, but I just realized that once your gone your gone..

Its almost like I have two different "me"s. some times I think that killing myself is dumb, sometimes "I let myself think about it"..
Its really odd.. and probably doesn't make one bit of sense.

I wish I could have a bit more controll over using the computer.
I've tried before but I just get frustrated when I get stumped on something thing put it down and go back on the computer, and say I'll do it later.

About that relationship.. I don't really remember why it ended, I think it was because at the time my intrest in being in a relationship declined a good bit and I stopped saying the nice things and stuff that I was doing at the begining of it, I just kinda "went cold" in my relationship, wasn't really a part of it. My "ex girlfriend" (she'd hit me if she saw me writing this cause she refuses to call it a relationship) was starting to drag me down, and she wasn't really who she seemed to be once everything unfolded, to me at least.. Maybe I'm just delusional or crazy.

And if I didn't answer all your questions.. I'll re read it and think..

Well, suicide isn't an escape, it is cowardice. Think of it this way: If you can get through this, you can get through anything, because in my mind, depression is one of the worst things I ever had to endure, when I got over it I just absolutely love life.

Working out, as you may be able to tell, was my escape from the computer, now I am on only for an hour or so a day, it is determined by what is going on.

Life has its ups and downs, but you need to grow balls (yes, I said it) and bring the issue up with your parents if the suicidal thoughts continue, if they do not believe you, YOU be the stronger person and find help yourself, do not let them stagnate you from enjoying life.

You seem like a big kid, perhaps you may be interested in working out? Trust me, I didn't think I would get heavily involved or even like it, now I am addicted to it and love it. =]

If you want to change, you need to tell yourself you can do it, because you can, I did it, why can't you? I am the happiest, most optimistic (cautiously) person you will meet, hell, I have the beautifulest girlfriend. Anyone can change, you need to tell yourself you can, you give me one good reason why you cannot.

There is no magical cure for depression either, you need to do it, it is all in your hands, but here are some tips you need to start initiating, might sound silly, but if you don't, you wont change without trying.

1. State as clearly as possible in a positive manner what it is that you want to create in your life.
2. Be clear why you want this and how your life will be different once you achieve this goal.
3. Understand what you have going for you to help you achieve this goal.
4. Understand the challenges that exist.
5. Be especially aware of the negative self-talk that sabotages and undermines your attempts to succeed.
6. Be clear about what you need to achieve this goal in terms of skills, resources, support systems, etc.
7. List the 3-5 major actions that you need to take to start moving toward this goal.
8. Think of ways to care for yourself as you work to achieve this goal.
9. Stay focused on what you want to create, not on the difficulties you might be having.
10. Be easy on yourself! Have fun! Enjoy the journey!

Believe it or not, I used to have a trainer. He rented one of our spare rooms, and him and I used to go to the gym and work out, but he moved away and then I never did go back much. I'm walking more now though, after supper, usually one of my family goes with me and we walk around the neighborhood.

Another lil bit about me. I love to weld. I love fabricating stuff, and I am taking fabrication this semester (also did in grade 9). I am also taking automotive classes aswell. People say I'm very mature for my age. The supervisors at my summer job last year thought I was in my early 20s.

I saw your display photo when I took a look at your profile (was wondering your age), damn I envy you haha. I wish I was in the shape your in.
As I sit, I'll probably die young of a heart attack or diabetes. (not trying to be negative, just facing facts).

I remeber today in my fabrication class, I remember my teachers voice
"You need to have confidence Neil, Confidence."

Do you want to die my brother? You have the chance to change, why don't you? And you can turn all that fat into muscle, especially if you diet and run, you CAN change, you just need the motivation. trust me, when you start seeing the results, you can be obsessed, but doing this on your own is extremely difficult.

I think you and your parents are in desperate need of a serious conversation.

Tried to post a picture but my post count aint high enough.

Yea I definitely have to get some of this weight off.
It annoys me honestly.
I am at risk for high blood pressure/high cholesterol.

So in about 15 minutes or so, I think I'm gonna take another walk.

And I've modified my diet. I eat cereal for breakfast, then I have a 6 inch sub for lunch (my mom works at a sub sandwhich shop).

But supper is what kills me I think.
So I think I might switch to salads or something for supper..

And more excercise.

You don't like it, change it. Go on a diet, work out, etc. However, you need strong will power, this will be probably one of the hardest things you will ever do in your life, and trust me, you will feel much better about yourself.

Be patient, thankfully your doing it when you are young, by the time college hits (When most people find that special somebody or go on dating sprees), you will not only feel better about yourself and your condition, you also will be much more confident and healthier.