I feel like dying, I'm not happy, never has been probably never will be, I've been in a lot of emotional pain for as long as I can remember.

I never took the punk way out though, I never turned to drugs, alcohol or sex, I took the pain raw, I always convinced those around me that I was happy so much to the point that I actually thought it was true... I don't know who I really am, I don't know the real me, I changed myself so much trying to prove to myself and others that I was not depressed, I hid my secret so well that at times I thought it were true, I cry so much to the point that my eyes feel funny if I go a week without crying, no joke I'm depressed as shit and I can honestly say I don't know why.

I been hiding and covering it up from others so much to the point where I hid it from myself. It may sound weird but I envy the happy people, I envy people who know who they are, I envy people that can go a week without crying or wanting to die, I envy people who love themselves because I hate who I am, I wish I were someone else, I wish I were not me, I wish I were not alive I wish I didn't hurt so much inside I wish this pain would go away I wish I would stop crying I wish I knew why I feel this way I wish I knew why I wish so much I wish I wouldn't have to wish so much.

I wish a brighter future were ahead of me but somehow I know there will never be happiness for me... somehow I know that my body will some day become an empty shell because my soul is dying and my heart is numb I'm losing myself in all this pain, why me? Why always me? Why was I born into this empty shell that only craves love, no matter how hard I look, search, want, crave, beg,cry,hope,wish,pray, need and ask for love, I never receive. I give so much and never receive ... I would trade everything I have just to feel loved, just once, ii don't care if I was homeless, sick, half dead, mentally retarded, aids ridden, frail, fragile, limp I would accept all the bad luck in the world just to feel loved once, to be in the presence of true love just once would be worth everything in the world to me. Without love I feel dead inside so my body might as well die to match my insides.

Judge me, make jokes, I don't care anymore, I needed to get this off my chest.

Thx

Sounds like me. I know that exercise can help temporarily.

Tell us more about yourself. Are you depressed because you have no friends?

I have friends... they just use me.

I've felt like that although not to that extent. That's not good...



Just remember, you have friends. Even if it's just a few people, even over the internet. You can always talk to one of us.

Well then you could ditch them and get a new circle of friends who are nice?

Easier said than done.

I know but life is hard when the only true friends you have are on a computer screen.

Honestly, I had a friend who actually were really cool.

Despite the fact, friends are pretty useless when you are severely depressed.

Yeah... that's true.

Umm, try joining something? A team... or start hanging out somewhere a lot. Meet some new people. I'm not sure 'cause you're in college and I'm not... I don't know much about college. But I'm sure there's SOME kinda way to meet new people. Maybe people with similar interests or something.

I'm on the advisory board and the jewelry and ceramic club. but ppl even in college are cliquey... it's hard to break into those groups I have tried though.

When you get depressed and have no one to up your mood, you become really negative and it gets even more difficult to befriend people and be happy. So there's that vicious cycle going on.

I'm starting to get more and more convinced that drug is the answer.