I am not entirely sure at what point I became fixated with the idea that my thighs should never touch. I'm not sure what relevence it holds for my life. Maybe it was when I was 4, and made myself throw up the first time. Maybe it was when I was 15, and lost 20 pounds in 2 months without trying because I hadn't been diagnosed with diabetes yet. Maybe it was when I gained that weight back. Maybe it was when I decided to skip insulin to lose the weight again. Maybe it was when I moved to America a year ago and saw how obsessed everyone here is with vanity and appearances.

Somehow I know my "problems" go deeper than that, though. I am not vain or judgemental to others about their physical bodies, so why should I be with my own? I know why. I don't feel like a person. I don't feel like I deserve my family or my amazing friends or all of the opportunities I have been blessed with. I cant appreciate anything, and I feel like I am sinning and being a selfish subhuman thing for never being happy. I feel like my soul died years ago, and I was burnt out on life before it ever began. I saw so much suffering to people who didnt deserve it around my home in Europe. This summer I worked with children who had no family to want them, and they were still happy. And I have all of these good things and I still hate myself and everything about ...everything.

I hate my body. It serves as a constant reminder that even though my spirit has died, I still must preserve the physical shell that still has needs and a voice louder than the one in my head that is telling me to kill it. I still have to feed it. I still have to inject insulin into it. If it were up to me, I would just let it die...but I cant, because somehow my family still loves me and I cant figure out why. I know my family would have so much more happiness and so much less worry if I were not here. I hear everyday, "Olympia we are worried about you. You are too thin. You dont eat enough. You have already worked out for 3 hours, dont you think its time to stop? Check your blood sugar!" and I just dont get why they care, and they do...but I still cannot be compliant. I hate myself more than I love them, and that is terrible of me.

I'm sorry for writing this, and I am sure it doesnt make sense as my English is horrible :/

Beautiful. Seriously, the read was magnificent.

In a more blunt version, what exactly do you feel is wrong with your body?

And if I may ask, how much do you weigh and how tall are you? Also, how old are you?

I'm not sure. I weigh 92 pounds and I'm 5 foot with 8 inches, so I know logically that there is no reason for me to feel "fat." I have been struggling with the idea of fat for so long, though, I feel like it is part of my identity. There or not, I must always be actively trying to get rid of it. I think maybe it is a physical embodiment of my fear of being selfish.

And then I just cannot stand myself even more for being so vain.

your not fat and you should not feel this way. i understand what you mean though

your english is way better than mine. no joke

but i suck at giving advices so i'll stay out of this

Oh no, my English is awful despite my efforts in trying to better it :/

=[ thats intense. well there must be something you love about yourself/body? try to focus on the better qualities you possess rather than the negative ones. remember only you alone can control your thought process.

and btw at 5 feet 8 inches and 92 pounds-you sound like you have the body of a model! i should know-i am one and you weigh less than i-im at 104 about the same height.

I actually weighed after work and saw that I have lost a few pounds. I am down to 86 :/ I frightens me to be so underweight and not be able to see it.

I am just a horrible person.

thats sounds unhealthy darling, maybe you should find a therapist? i never suffered with weight issues, so i really cant relate to what youre going through, but i do however still have a battle with depression. it wasnt until last month that i finally talked my parents into finding me a therapist. ive been feeling a lot better than i have in a good while-i think if you find someone who knows what their talking about and will listen and encourage you-you'll be able to be healthy again.

It's probably a control issue. Maybe you feel like your life is out of control, and your body is the one thing you can make perfect? I don't want to speak for you.

But just know that you are IN NO WAY A BAD PERSON!!!! You have a psychological problem, and the fact that you are here trying to get help just shows that you are a good person!

Id have to say i get the unappreciative part because well i used to be like that feeling that you dont appreciate what youve been blessed with can make you feel rotten inside but hey just put things in perspective and think of the positive things.

Hm, it isnt really a control thing. Actually, I think this is the only aspect of my life that is out of control.


Does anyone have an experience with talking to a therapist about this stuff? Like, what should I expect and is it necessary to mention my food issues right away? I don't want to just be like, "Hey I think I have an eating disorder...but I dont starve or purge. I just hate myself :]" You know? I think I'm making this all up in my head, actually. :/