OK, this is gonna be really long, but there is a lot to say.

I'm 17 and a junior in high school. I work about 25-30 hours a week at a department store, so I make money. I buy myself nice stuff. I have an awesome mom and stepdad, they're great. As far as friends go, I'm actually reasonably popular. I'm friends with most of the cool people in my class, and people think I'm pretty funny. I'm pretty decent looking, but I can never get out of the friends-zone with girls. I'm smart, well-mannered, and all of that. i actually think highly of my make-up as far as behavior and intelligence.

Still, for some reason, I fight with myself. I do drugs, and it's getting to the point where I think I do them too much. I spend a lot of my money, and it's only for a nice little high to get me through school. Oxys, percs, adderall, zannys, ecstasy(not in school), weed, pretty much anything I can get my hands on. My parents obviously have no idea of my drug use, and my mom calls me her pride and joy, probably due to my brother being a high-school drop-out fuckup. Some people at school know, but they just think it's funny and that I'm hilarious when I do it.

The drugs are also negatively affecting me physically. Making me sick, adderall making me not sleep or eat, and ultimately exhausted. I will be sick for 2 or 3 days at a time. I'm already relatively skinny at 5"10.5', 138. In the last week or so I think I've lost about 10 pounds, down to 128. I believe I suffer from a slight, but mentally taxing, case of gynecomastia, the enlargement of the male breasts. It's not a horrible case, by any means, and most people have no idea. But I want to keep it that way. I'm not happy with myself at all right now physically.

I also fight with myself because of the whole girls situation. I'm one of the most realistic kids my age, so I know that girls at this point really aren't even totally important. I also know that girls my age will not realize some of my best qualities, and this won't happen until I'm older. Still, I just feel lonely. Girls talk to me all the time. I'm picky, but I do always seem to have somebody I'm interested in. For some reason, it seems like I fall hardest for the girls that end up wanting me to be their best friend. This has really happened to me 3 times in the past 3.5 years. Takes me a long time to get over girls like this. 1 time, last year, I accepted this, and the girl is still a good friend. I'm currently in another situation like this.

I've known the girl since middle school, but she's so beautiful and coveted by so many guys, I just always thought my chances were unrealistic. This year, we have some classes and lunch together, and we just started talking a lot. She will hold my arm walking down the hall, sit next to me in any class/lunch, and just overall be really nice and stuff to me. I also do a lot of the pills with her. Our friends and even teachers think we are together. A week or two ago, I confessed that I was into her. Her reasoning for not liking me in this way was that I'm one of the few people she can trust and be close with. Makes no sense to me.

She just broke up with her boyfriend of about 1 year at the end of summer. She usually acts like it doesn't affect her. Last night, however, I was texting her and she was saying how it was really getting to her. She was crying, and not really texting much. I got a text every 15-30 minutes probably. She was saying that it was just all a mess. This kid still picks her up from school and gives her drugs and such, so she still sees him. I didn't really know what to say in this situation, but I did my best. Then today she left school early crying, so it must have been getting to her again.

All this writing about this girl should tell you that I really do care about her. I don't cope well with the rejection I'm receiving. I just don't know how to deal.

So really, all it comes down to, is that I need help. I want to stop doing drugs and accept this girl as a friend, but I can't do either. I just feel like if I went into my room and took all of the pills I have, I would be better off not having to worry about girls, work, homework, friends, drugs, or anything like that. The only thing that keeps me from doing this is my love for my mom.

I just need a safe and legal way to deal with shit.

I'm not sure what to say about the drugs, because I haven't been able to solve my own drug issues yet.. but all I can say about the girl is that all you can really do is give it time. She needs time to move on from this break up and then maybe she'll be able to see you in a different way, the rejection you're getting is probably just because she isn't ready for another relationship yet.

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Thanks, I see what you're saying. I just feel like if I hold out hope for that in the future, and it doesn't come to fruition, I will still feel bad. She's one of those girls who won't say it, but has some inner-lying problems. I'm hoping this doesn't cause her to go back to the guy that she dumped or some scum guy, just for her sake.