Okay. Please take the time to read this and help me. Im going crazy here and I think of myself as a pretty sane person.

About me: music is my life. i sing and play guitar, write my own music, yada yada yada. I have a lot of hobbiers like skating, snowboarding, etc. I have plenty of great friends and im not a loser!

Im 16 years old as of Feb. 10 2010, and Ive been smoking weed since Feb. of 2009. Since then I got expelled from my high school for selling lettuce to somebody off school grounds claiming it was weed. Funny shit. But not so funny once i got caught.

So now I go to a catholic school as a sophomore. Im buddhist if any religion at all. My parents have caught me smoking at least 50 times. I believe that I have complete rights to be smoking at my house in the middle of the woods in a small town, by myself to relieve my anxiety and depression. Especially where in Connecticut, first time offences of smoking weed maybe has a small fine at most.

My parents say im addicted to weed, and I dont disagree. But i think that I only smoke because i have had major depression and anxiety since i was 9. When i first smoked it was like heaven and everytime after that its just like clearing all the fog out of my head of anxiety.

So both of my parents used to smoke weed recreationally (neither have depression issues or really any issues). And my dad blew coke a few times too. They just dont understand how i feel and why i want to smoke weed. I love weed by the way. They've been trying to send me to rehab since i started and no facilities will take me in because im not bad enough. They send me to therapy, but i asked for that because I really do want to find an alternative to smoking weed because its caused so much trouble for me.

This has been breaking my parents hearts and really ruining our relationship. I love my family to death and I can't believe I'm hurting them so badly, but I just wont stop smoking. I mean, come on, excuse my language but I'm a fucking straight A and B student and I never get in trouble. Im really kind, and extremely sensitive.

So around October of 2009 I proposed a contract to my parents, who are adament about not ever allowing me to smoke weed. I titled it "Proposal to achieve happiness and peace within the family" because thats the main goal. On my part of the contract i must:

-Get straight A's
-Form good study habits (due to their request)
-stay out of trouble in all areas including school, police, soccer team, etc.
-Dont become friends with potheads
-Get a job
-Not have possesion of weed at school
-no drinking alcohol (their request)
-wont be high when there is company at the house (their request)
-wont get other people high (their request)
-wont let my two sisters know about the contract (their request)
-and wont grow weed (their request)

The contract stated that my parents will, for one month, "turn their heads" when I smoke weed smartly. With smartly meaning:

-after all obligations have been fulfilled such as studying, sports, and work.
-i must stay hidden and not tell anyone about the contract
-use eyedrops

If the contract goes well for the one month, it will be renewed after the end of the month, with appropriate changes necessary.

I said its worth a try...why not? What harm will one month of trying do?

But even after i added in their requests to the contract, they thought about it for a while, but decided they wont agree. FML.

So I guess i put so much effort into writing about this contract is because I think my parents are stupid for not agreeing. Their reasoning was because its illegal and they dont want me to. I think that they need to open their eyes and realize that im not asking for anything compared to what Ill do for them just to gain peace.

After they rejected the contract, i tried to get myself help. I began going to an outpatient rehab that met tuesdays and thursdays and included drug testing. I even went to AA meetings a few times. It just didnt help. I am so much happier when i am able to smoke weed, and it isnt worth living a shitty life to not smoke weed.

So here I am now, contemplating running away. I think about suicide often, wondering whether its worth it. I neverrrrr end up thinking about harming myself though. Life is great, and I believe you only live once, so you better live the best life you possibly can.

My parents threaten to kick me out of the house, which i really wouldnt mind, even though I care about my family soooo freakin much. I just dont think its worth living this way sometimes. Ive seriously been grounded for 90% of the time since i started smoking weed because every time my parents catch me thats what they do. I havent seen my cell phone since then either. They dont let me see some of my best friends at all. The worst part is I cant get my driving permit until god knows when. I hate them. But not really, i freakin love them to death.

I feel like im forgetting some things...I guess ill add them in if i remember.

Give me advice, any thoughts, do you think I should propose the contract again? Let me know...Im really struggling here.

Try to talk to them again. I had a lot of problems with my parents some time ago and what helped was socializing with them. As nerdy as it may sound try to do things with your parents, go out for diners, family gatherings, cinema etc.

Why they don't want to follow the contract is because they don't trust you. You did sth that they didn't expected. So just try to change this!

Good luck!
Be positive and cut the suicidal thoughts

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Reading the life book

Hey there

I've been there with the whole wanting to smoke weed and the parents not allowing you to. I used to be very much into weed, I would smoke almost every day a couple times a day. So I know what it's like being "addicted" to it. I also used it to self-medicate as you do, but I can tell you, it's not cool at all living your life in a constant fog. Weed is fun as a party substance, but as a medication it does have its pitfalls. You're putting yourself at a huge risk of developing psychosis and other mental disorders. Hell, my own bipolar disorder was presented largely due to my heavy marijuana use.

Believe me when I say there are other options. Marijuana is not the only medication out there. What I recommend is going to see a psychiatrist about your depression and anxiety. There are wonderful medications that you can try out that would alleviate your symptoms. Not only are these medications safer, they're also cheaper in the long run. Why spend all of your money on weed when your 'rents health insurance can be paying for your medications. Sounds selfish but just think about it for a second.

Also, just because marijuana is decriminalized in your state doesn't protect you from losing your eligibility to receive financial aid from the government. Any marijuana violation bars you from receiving these benefits. That's one the hugest reasons I decided to slow down a little bit.

You have to ask yourself, "Is the weed really worth losing the respect of your parents and potentially getting you into trouble?" Ask yourself that, knowing that there are alternatives, you just choose the illegal route. I don't doubt that it helps you, but it's really not worth it. This is coming from someone who is a NORML advocate. They advocate responsible use of marijuana by adults, and that's not what you're doing friend. So please, heed my advice, and see a psychiatrist.

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Thank you guys so much ill try hanging out with my family more. I do see that in the past they are much happier when i chill with them. And its true, they dont know what to expect from me anymore. I used to be a good little boy and now ive really changed.

And Christopher, kudos for being an advocate in NORML. Id love to help out however i can. I have been seeing multiple psychiatrists since i started smoking, and have been on Zoloft and Wellbutrin since ive been going to therapy. I really hope that theres some other medication that can help because honestly neither of the two i'm on now are helping. So i guess that leads to another topic i could use help on...

Does anyone know of a different medication that can help? Medical marijuana isnt available in my state, Connecticut, by the way.

i know it may seem like weed is the only thing there is to making things better, and i know how it can make you feel because i used to smoke weed all of the time..

but you don't want to be old and still smokin weed..

your parents seem like they are just lookin out for you.
and they don't want you to be like them
so having bottled up anger towards them won't help..

you should talk to your parents about how you feel, and why you want to smoke weed
and maybe they'll understand but that's all you can do

weed is illegal, and it's wise not to do it..
but it's your life
and you're going to live it the way you want

Bro. Ok you need something in your life. You said you if you're any religion, you're a Buddhist? Start praying every night to the God of Christianity... i believe in him bc of certain ways Hes worked in my life. just pray that if He even exists, we would relieve your suffering that night... might not work but might as well give it a try before you run away? Message me if you have any questions.

Well you see, when it comes to finding appropriate medications for someone, it's always a mater of trial and error. You might have to sift through a lot of medications that don't work to find one that does. You said you have depression and anxiety, which first of all, by all means can be exacerbated by weed use.

Were you taking the medications while abstaining from marijuana use?

As far as medications that could help, I'm definitely not a licensed psychiatrist. I can really only go off of what's helped me personally in the passed. As far as anxiety goes, a good medication I was on for anxiety is called Buspar (buspirone). It's not your classic Xanax-like medication, whereas it doesn't work in the same way as alcohol basically. This one is a stimulant, and I'm not quite sure exactly of it's mode of action.

For depression, I used to be on Prozac, and that helped me out quite a bit. But I can't emphasize enough how important it is to abstain from marijuana use while you're trying new medications. Marijuana does exacerbate mental disorders in a lot of people, myself included. You just have to get off of the notion that marijuana is a medicine for everything. The reality is, it's not. It's good for things like relieving nausea in chemotherapy patients, but horrible in the treatment of depression and other mental disorders.

Hope this helps.

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