Hello, this is my first post, and it's somewhat of a last resort. For months now, my life has been falling down, and I'm completely at my breaking point when it comes to mental health. So, I need to vent, and any feedback would be much appreciated, but there is no obligation.

(All people will be referred to by initials, I gotta keep it private)

In Novemeber I turned 17, I finally got my lisence, and I was coming out of over two years of feeling constantly extremely depressed (although I have never been diagnosed, thigns just weren't okay). I had two fantastic best friends, S and L, and no matter what we did, I always had fun. We were all there for each other, and there was never any drama. At the end of December, I decided to have a New Years rager, and in the midst of planning that with the girls, I met R. He was friends with my sister, he was 19, and he was so damn good looking. She was meeting him at George Webbs (a diner in southeastern Wisconsin, and our prime hang out) and she asked me to come along. We all hung out there for a few hours and had a really great time. Afterwards, he texted my sister and told her that he was glad I came and that he really liked me. We hung out again soon and I had my first kiss with him and it was so fantastic. I couldn't believe such a perfectly witty, gorgeous, and all-around kind guy like him would even like me. We started dating soon, and I was on top of the world.

Being with R was probably the greatest thing that ever happened to me: he treated me like a princess, we saw each other everyday, I liked his friends (Z and M for future reference) and S and L loved him, we had a ton in common, etc. In February we went to his friend's brithday party downtown, and I got wasted beyond belief. Don't get me wrong, I'm no stranger to drugs and alcohol, but I had smoked at least 5 bowls and then gotten drunk. He had done the same, but being 5'0" certainly amplifies the effects. We had a good weekend, but a few days later he randomly told me he was mad I had gotten so fucked up, but then told me to forget about it. Three days later he broke up with me. He said it was that he didn't want to be in a relationship right now, and he was still in love with his ex. I was inconsolable. I had to skip school the next day cause I couldn't stop crying, and I look back now and think how riddicuous it was. However, he asked me to hang out a few days later, in whihc we hooked up but didn't start dating again.

The next month, it was exactly like we were dating again, he acted exactly the same, but he refused to call it dating. He just didn't want to define it, and would get pissed at me whenver I asked. So I left it alone and we basically just hooked up for a month. Then I came back from a week long vacation, and he didn't even touch me. He didn't kiss me or hug me or anything, he just gave me a high five. When I asked him about it, he said I knew what I was getting into and it was my fault if I was upset. Yet again, I was inconsolable about it, but he wanted to be friends, so we kept hanging out. Meanwhile, S and L were starting to get pissed at me for spending so much time with him. They hated him after the first break up ordeal, and did not approve at all. Then L started dating soem asshole named J, and she didn't really care anymore. But S was still totally mad.

I arranged for R and S and me to all hang out and clear things. We went out to eat and to a friend's house to smoke, and they got along really well. Like way better than I expected, they were like ignoring me and just joking with each other. Soon they started texting nonstop. Then they both started ignoring me. He told her that he really liked her and wanted to start seeing her. She freaked out on him and yelled at him for being so shitty to me, and ever since then, R has not said a word to me. Except that he hates me, and he never wants to talk to me again. Yet he still tries with S, and I know she still talks to him. And I know I shouldn't care, but it kills me. Because as terrible as it is, I would do anything to get him back. I got real depressed about it, and all I wanted to do was get wasted and hook up with other guys. Which I did. And I feel so shitty about it now.

I started hanging out with his friends Z and M to watch lost every week cause we all love it. R used to come too but we never talked. I tried to resolve things with him but he would just ignore me. I kind of found out that Z and M secretly don't like R, and we started hanging out really often as R hung out with them less often. I developed feelings for Z, and I really thought he liked me too. He always invited me over and we all just hung out as friends and had a lot of fun. At the same time, M started talking to me a lot and told me he liked me and just complimented the hell out of me. I felt on top of the world again.

L and her boyfriend broke up and she was upset like me with R. So one night, when I was having Z and M over to get drunk, I invited her too. I thought M and me were going to happen that night, and I told her how excited I was. Well we all got wasted, and L hooked up with M, right in front of me. So I hooked up with Z. And things were okay for a while, but it got awkward. M constantly texted me about L, and neither of them had any idea as to how much it upset me. Z justs acts like we never hooked up. L got a new boyfriend, and ignored M; they've recently broken up though, and now M is all over her again. And its so on and off with everyone now. Currently:

- S won't talk to me because she thinks I always ditch her, and I swear, this is untrue. She just gets pissed that we don't do exactly what she wants to do when she wants to. And the noly time she'll talk to me is when shes mad at L. So basically, I'm her 2nd best.
- L will only hang out with me when theres nothing better to do. Friday we hung out, and Saturday she asked me to hang out, but then she lied to me and ditched me. And she hooks up with everyone. She's gorgeous, much more than I, and it sucks going out with her when she always gets hit on and you're left alone. But she will not give your feeling the time of day.
- Z keeps saying he's going to call me, but never does. We still hang out for Lost, and he used to call me to get drunk at his house every weekend. But this has since decreased, and the killer is that today he said that me, him, M, and L should smoke together. Eventually, people pick my friends over me. Its the way its always been, and not the first time its happened. I've lost so many friends this way, and I just dom't understand why people don't like me. M is doing the same thing, by wanting L over me. Yet he still texts me calling me "babe" and telling me I'm hot. These things only prevent me from letting go.
- R, I've given up on him. Yet he always comes up in my day, and it still upsets me that he hates me, for no good reason.

I just have so many ups and downs these days. I'm a smoker, not gonna lie, and the stress has put me at a half a pack a day. There's no point in the day where I don't wanna get fucked up, I would gladly do so at any time. Its the only way I feel happy. I'll be out with friends and convince myself that everything is good and I'm happy, but then the next days they'll ditch me or something, and I'll spend the rest of the weekend sitting around the house depressed about it. My grades used to be awesome (4.0 with AP's and all), but lately I don't care what they are. I got a 30 on the ACT and I took it hungover. But I was with R at the time, and he had such a fantastic effect on my grades. I don't feel like I'll ever get over him.

I don't know if writing this made me feel better or worse, but thanks for letting me post it here. And sorry about the length, I really needed this.

Following the excerpt after this, I can almost guarentee he wants to be single for pussy, yes, lack of a better term, but I can't stress this enough. Men sometimes don't want a 'titled relationship', so they can do things with other people while technically not being together with you, in his eyes, he is doing nothing wrong and is avoiding 'cheating' since the two of you aren't 'technically' together. This is an assumption, but I can almost guarantee it is accurate, and I am never the one to ramble on about the possible validation of an assumption.

Reference: Sidenote: Good series.

Snippets:
-R is an asshole. He hates you because he is immature and is unable to be just friends anymore, leave him be, he was an ass to you once, if he ever seems like he has changed, he is predominantly bound to be an asshole again. It is like an abusive man, they always insist on them changing, but they never do, thus the abuse never diminishes, whether it be emotional or physical.

- L is an asshole for hooking up with the man you told her you were interested in RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. A real friend wouldn't do this, of course alcohol played a pivotal role in this, but who says she wouldn't do it again?

- M and you need to have a chat. Be up front with him, ask him what the fuck is going on, does he like you or doesn't he? Then ask him why he hooked up with someone right in front of you if he obviously liked you? How do you know he will not just use you? You two are in drastic need to a conversation, a sincere one, if you do not have it, you will store everything inside and eventually it'll blow up, this usually ends with everyone around you dying by the gun in your hand. (Hehe), talk to him.

- You should try one last time to hook up with S and make plans, follow them, tell her how you hate when people ditch you and you know the feeling, try to leave it in the past and start over again. If she is unwilling, time to move on.

Alcohol and drugs does this to friends, and it does this to you. You obviously know you have a problem, it is time to change Today. You can do it, believe in yourself, but alcohol and drugs doesn't make you happy, you're heavily into them and you feel like shit, so obviously you're not too happy. A temporary solution isn't a permanent solution. Your first step is getting rid of these nasty habits, that is what is making you depressed, you feel the need to do these things and that is when a habit turns into an addiction.

Well i can hounestly say i read all of this and as harsh as this may sound you have personal issues as well.

You have low self-esteem it sounds to me and this constant partying isnt helping it may make you forget your trouble but it dosent laugh.

I know you didnt ask for this but im gonna say it STOP smoking and drinking at your rate your gonna drink your self into a early grave! Do you want that?

And im sorry that your life seems to be so bad and their isnt really anything i can say or do to make it better but you know hang in there if you start trying to take control of your life stuff like above wont happen.

__________________
The Seven Deadly Sins:
Lust,Gluttony, Greed, Sloath, Wrath, Envy, Pride.
We're guilty of them all. O well looks like we're all going to hell! (=you)

Thanks to those who responded, this really does help. I think getting it all out is a big part of getting over it, and I agree with everything you guys have said.

Life blows, doesn't it?