its always been fucked up ever since i was born all i heard was " your such a fuck up" fucking mistake" etc...
ok so i had like 'traumatic expiercnes' is wat the shrink said
w.e
so they thought i was bipolar but then decided against it cause i was very social and my mood swings didnt fit in something like that so they diagnosed me with RAD- reactive attachemnt disorder
i guess it happens when a baby like in the first 2 years of their life doesnt create a phsycial or emotional bond with their parent i didnt at all i was kinda neglected i duno
so rite now im currently working with my issues i was phsyucialy mentally abused by my dad, he died bec of alchoholisim and my mom is a durggie i dont know where she is nor do i give a fucking fuck
i was raped when i was 11 by my uncle that basically just took everything away from me i feel so hopeless or i did and i still do its like hard to explain wat u feel after dat
so i live with my two older bros and my older sister
my oldest brother caleb hes like old lol is an ER doctor and kinda isnt realli in my life that much he is always gone cause he works nite shifts etc and hes kinda a teddy bear lolol
and then theres joe hes like 24 and hes an elite police officer he like went to the army he graduated early from hs and now he volunteered to go to iraq
he is my gaurdian and he basically like i say he is mean but he just doesnt understand me im always in trouble with him idk i hate him like seriously if he dies in iraq i would not give a fucking fuck
and then thers lilly who is 18 i guess shes the cloest thing ever that i have had to having a mom ya no? shes always been there for me

i look up to her more then anything..when she turend 18 she became my other legal guardian i ahte it i hate having to listen to a sister who is only 4 years older then u she thinks she nos wat is best she doesnt no fuck
sinc eim rad u could say i have behavior problems sometiems i just dont no when to stop
i went to juvy for stealing a car and then i kinda almost like killed 6 ppl bec the car ran into them i ddint even think itd be dangerous ya no?? anyways i spent three nites in juvy omg i almsot died
i started drinking when i was like 12...its like normal rite?
i dont no how to deal with my probs
my sister says that i need to go away so the temptation for alchohl wont b there caus she doesnt want me ending up like dad WTF IM NOT A FUCKING ALCHOHOLIC FUCKING MORON!
she made me go FROM FRESNO TO UTAH to where my aunt lives in order for me to go back i have to hav elike GREAT grades like all fucking A's and stop like getting into toruble
i try and no one even notcies
how can i fucking tell her to let me go back to fucking fresno i mean this is insane ive been in utah for a couple months i hate it i hate everything bout it i fucking stand life and i hate her i want to go back to fresno

how can i go back??? please i need ideas i hate it here and eveyrone here hates me