I hate being at "home", affectionately called "the house".

I feel anxious. Even when *X is just standing or maybe walking in a room while I write on my bed. I feel very very angry. Like, "I hate this f****** b****."

At night, while I lay I would think that one day X or XX will one day shoot me while I sleep or kill me in some way and I have to think of a way to escape or something.

I feel threatened. Even the slightest slamming of things I cannot handle or simply raising their voices. But only with X or XX. Although I know I should not be afraid because it's either I know I am not at fault or it is directed at something or someone else I still get scared.

I say to myself that one day they will be the death of me.

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I feel cornered, anxious, afraid and angry. Because I am afraid I usually starve myself, I would rather not see X or XX unless I am really really hungry.























*X -- for mother
*XX -- or sibling

Try to get out of the house as much as you can, so you can avoid your family. You shouldn't think that your family is going to kill you, maybe you should go talk to a psychiatrist about your feelings and maybe they can suggest something. Is there any way that you can stay with some friends, or some other relatives until things start to calm down, and you feel less threatened?

You should never EVER starve yourself so you can avoid them, simply just listen to music when you go and get food, or just avoid eye contact with them.

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Real eyes, Realize, Real lies.

I agree with Aoka. Perhaps you should talk to a counselor or someone you trust about these anxiety issues. I am sure your family and your siblings don't want to hurt you. But starving yourself isn't the answer.

When i was younger, I used to think that X was trying to poison me whenever X made dinner or whatever. The paranoia got really out of hand, but eventually ended.

Looking back I realize I was feeling guilty because of things I said to X, and my guilt made me feel that way.
The only good thing that came of that was I learned how to cook.

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and then

Damn. I'd honestly just see someone, if only to talk. Psychoanalysis would do you some good. You'd be surprised what some objective reasoning can do for you.

Good luck.

Thanks guys. Yeah. I am thinking of getting out of the house. I think a time out of this place will do me good. But I don't think I will ever have a good relationship with the mother... ever.