Question and advice on friendship

Quebecgirl · 08-28-2009, 02:05 AM

So here I am, finally, I just have some questions, and I need some advices on something, maybe I just wanna talk about it to. I don't know where to start! So, here I go.

I met my best friend seven months ago, I know it's not a long time, but we're really close, or used to be, I don't know anymore, it's really complicated. In fact, we used to talk all the time, I would write her an e-mail in the morning, just before I got to school, and she would answer me at her lunch break, we talked via text message too, and then 2-3 hours on MSN at night. We saw eachother 2-3 times a week even with school and everything, and it use to be just perfect.

I'm an insecure person so I was really scared that she would take a distance one time, but she kept repeating to me that it was never gonna change, and that she would always be there for me, that she needed me just as much as I needed her, that she loved me.

When we were together we were always "close" to eachother too, I used to put my head on her shoulder while we watched tv, and she did the same thing, we even holded hands and she liked to play with my hair... Anyway, here's my first question, is it normal? I mean, to feel the need to be so close to someone, even if we are two girls and that we're totally heterosexual?

Anyway, I felt like it was ok, we were both perfectly happy this way, for months. And we used to miss eachother so much when we spend 3-4 days appart, and we were always thinking about eachother.

But then, three months ago, I got the news that I was moving at 300km from where I was, and she told me that it didn't change anything, that we were still gonna talk and see eachother, and that the distance didn't changed the way she felt about me or anything. And it was still perfectly normal. But then, one month before I moved, she started taking a distance, and the last time we saw eachother, I felt it wasn't the same, she sat at the far end of her couch, and we barely talked. That was one month ago, the week before I moved, we didn't see eachother since then and I feel like she's not even sad that I'm gone. I still try to text her, or to talk to her, but she barely even answers me, and I always feel like she really distant.

She promessed to come see me here, but her parents didn't want to, and she didn't say anything to convince them. I feel like she doesn't care about me anymore, and that's the problem because I still really care about her. I love her so much, and I really don't wanna loose her, but I keep getting hurt everytime we talk or see eachother...

What should I do? She says she still wants us to talk, but I feel like she's really distant. Should I keep trying of should I just let go of this whole thing... The problem is I feel that I would be loosing a part of myself if we stopped talking and all... I'm just really confused right now.

Anyway, I know that my post is really long, and I hope I didn't annoy you to much, if anyone made it that far thanks!! I really appreciate it! And I just needed to talk about it I think. If anyone has some answer or some advice I'd be glad to hear them.

Thanks again! And sorry if my post isn't perfect, english isn't my native langage...

Jenna · 08-28-2009, 02:17 AM

I'm sorry to hear all this.

I know that the two of you said that nothing was going to change, but unfortunately, things do change. i'm sure that you don't mean them to, and she didn't mean for them to, but it's much harder to carry on that same level of closeness when you can't see each other all the time. even if that weren't the case, it's an unfortunate fact that friendships often change over time, it's not that she loves you any less, or you love her any less, it's just that other things start to happen in your lives, things that can make even a good friendship have to go on the back burner for a while.

Try not to blame her for what's happening. Just accept that without you around, she's having to make new friends. You should be doing the same. It's not easy, and I'm not telling you to cut her out of your life, I'm just saying that you need to start moving on and finding other friends. I have a friend that I grew up with that moved to the other side of the country a year or so back. I still talk to her, but nowhere near as frequently as we used to. She used to be at my house about every other weekend. Now we talk about once a month or so... that doesn't mean I don't care about her any less than I used to... it's just that the distance has changed how our relationship works.

And no, I don't think that there's anything wrong with physical closeness between friends. That's the least of your worries right now.

sstokes · 08-28-2009, 01:55 PM

It definitely hard to loose someone you;re so use to seeing and someone who makes you complete but people move, and no matter how many times you say you're going to talk all the time and continue being friends the way things weird it normally doesn't happen. This is because once the distance from moving was put between you guys the relationship changed. You guys won't be seeing each other as often, won't have the affection of holding hands and putting each others heads on your shoulders. Once even the tiniest factors are taken out of relationship/friendship the relationship automatically chances. But this is where you guys can strengthen you're relationship because if you guys were as good friends and believe to be friends for many many many more years then this is the test.

For example, I met this girl Shanna when I was in university she was originally from P.E.I., Canada and we really hit it off we hung out alot but after about a year she decided to drop out and move back to PEI to work on her dads farm and be close to her boyfriend who she was dating for awhile and they were doing the whole long distance thing while she was here in Newfoundland. Once, I knew she was leaving I was completely devastated because we had this tight bond where we could tell each other everything and no matter what, no judgments or anything, we loved having fun and we had an extreme amount of things in common. I didn't think I would be able to not fill my free time with her. However, she moved and its been over a year now and we talk every now and again we still tell each other everything and we have that friendship there its just that we've got two separate lives and different schedules and stuff now. But we'll text each other every now and again and have a chat. Our relationship has changed because we don't have that social interaction anymore but we still have a great friendship that I can say will last forever, even though I haven't seen her, nor talk to her very often anymore.

If the friendship is meant to be and withstand; it will! Everything happens for a reason.

shadowed · 08-29-2009, 02:37 PM

i'm very sympathetic with you about that. Actually, everything has changed in this relation and you have to accept it. There is not any permanent thing in the world. everything will change and move. Sometime they seem not to move, but it is just the exterior, the interior has been changing. We must understand that and have to face with that.

I know it is really hard to you to get over from that in the short time, but time itself will erase all the pain because we can't spend all our life just for living in such a thing like that.

Cheer up, you have to have an optimistic think and think forward to the future where everything wil be better than present.

Shadowed!

I Promise · 08-29-2009, 03:21 PM

What would life be like if nothing changed? Imagine, if you grew up, and you always had the same friends, always lived in the same house, had the same car, never changed anything in your life. How boring would that be? Sometimes, it's the changes and the unexpected that make life interesting, can make life worth living. If we didn't have change, we wouldn't be alive.

And that's hard sometimes. Because it's totally normal to have such a close, endearing friendship like you had. And then, something changes. Not only do you become upset, but you feel a sense of loss, like something just isn't right. Because change does that.

Now, it could be just because of you moving further away. Or it could be because you're both getting older. People grow, mature, get older and make new friends. I bet there's not many people who didn't make pacts at some point to 'always be friends, no matter what' and then 6 months down life's road, you probably only hear from 1 person out of 10. It's not because they hate you, or anything has changed in their opinion of you, but life sometimes presents us with new things, new friends, different distractions and more responsibility. We have to grow up, because life demands it. If we don't, then we get left behind.

You seem to be taking the changes very personally, and it's probably nothing to do with you as a person. Maybe she has more responsibility, she might have more to do in her life, maybe she's made new friends and maybe the distance to come and see you is a problem. If her parents won't take her, then she's kind of stuck. As you both said, you're both straight, so it's not like a question of her seeing the person she's in love with. So, maybe she is thinking there are some fights worth fighting for, and this isn't as important as something that may arise in the future.

As what Jenna said, she's probably making new friends and accepting the fact you're not there anymore. You said yourself you used to see each other a few times a week, and that's why you got so close. Only seeing someone every few months, it's hard to maintain that level of bond you once had. And she probably is finding that connection with someone closer. And you should too.

You can't sit and spend time alone, wishing it was how it was, because it won't be. You need to make new friends, and build that sort of connection with someone else. Sometimes, we all look back and yearn for the past, but we can't grab a hold of it forever. Sometimes you have to let go and keep the nice memories of a happy time.

I sort of think you have answered your own question. She seems distant, you get hurt if you see her now, she's not the same as she was, she doesn't really reply to your texts. All points to the option of either

1/ Keep trying and hope things go back to how they were
2/ Walk away, send her an email and say that you loved having her as a best friend, but you can see things have changed and it's hurting the way it is now. You will always remember the fun times and the closeness you once had, and you will never forget that.

I know which one I'd do. And then, I would dust myself down, and get out and make some new friends. You have a lot of love and compassion in there for someone, and it's a shame if it's all hidden and lost on nothing. I am pretty sure you will make new friends, and as your life goes on, I hope you find someone who you can get as close to in the future

charlottebabes · 08-29-2009, 06:23 PM

I read the whole thing and too me it sounded as though you were in a relationship.. all the feelings you mentioned reminded me of how alot of girls feel when their BFs get abit distant.
Not that theres anything wrong with the way you feel, i think maybe you should try give her some space and after a while ask her what she wants out of the friendship..
You've just moved which is a brilliant time to make a fresh start, make some new friends.. I think if you made some new friends you would'nt feel like you had too rely on her as much, which i think would be better for both of you.. Less pressure and that.
Hope things work out (:

Quebecgirl · 08-31-2009, 12:21 AM

Hey everyone! First I wanted to thank you all.

charlottebabes, like you said, it looks like we were in a relationship and that's what everyone's been telling me. But, even if she isn't my girlfriend or anything, I love her... And she makes me feel special, that's just something I don't wanna loose.

I promise, you're right, you're totally right... And I did the second one. About two weeks ago, and it seemed like she didn't want this to end like this! And I really thought she meant it, and then, she went back to being distant. Anyway, thank you very much for your post.

Right now things are going pretty well I think between me and her... She had some time to think, and we talked for a really long time about everything, and she was really sorry for the way she acted, and told me that she was scared that I would forget her. Anyway, I think it might be ok after all...

The problem about making new friend, is that I don't make friends easily... I mean, I'm not really like the girls my age, and at school and everything, it's kinda hard... And she's really like me on this point. And when we met eachother we felt like we had finally found someone that could understand us. And that we could say everything to...

So, I'll just wait and see were things are going. But right now, it's been 3 days, and she's back to her old self, texting me again, and we talked for hours yesterday.

Pleasant.Addictions. · 08-31-2009, 04:42 PM

To answer your first question, I think that's totally normal. My friends and I are very affectionate with each other, and most of them are completely straight. There's nothing wrong with feeling comfortable around each other. (:

I'm sorry to hear that you two were growing apart, though. It sounds like the distance affected her more than she predicted. I say keep trying to get in touch with her! It'd be a shame to lose a great friend over something like distance.

And while it'd be great to keep the friend, maybe you should take the others' advice as well and try to branch out, meet some new people. You don't have to do it suddenly, just take little steps and introduce yourself to different people. It's not as hard to make friends as it seems now. :]

Quebecgirl · 09-08-2009, 02:18 AM

Just wanted to say that we spent the week-end together, me and her, and everything went perfectly well!! I was kinda scared it would be awkward after our fight and everything, but finally it was just great!!

She was herself again, and we talked for hours, went to see a movie, and watch televison !! Oh, and I have to say that we were as close physically than before, and even more! (Yeah... I still don't know if that's normal! But well... I'm just too happy this way to stop!)So I think I can say that for now, everything is back to normal!!

Yay!

I Promise · 09-08-2009, 10:31 PM

Aw good, I am pleased to hear that! I hope that everything will be back to normal now =]