PLEASE HELP SOLVE MYSTERY OF THE DRUIDS
Ok ok let me start here, there is this game that's called YЯЭTERY it will be released in 2009
it's a shootan game it was developed by nintendo and it was published by segata sanshiro.
Basically the player takes control of a crazy, bloodthirsty druid who, after fighting off
countless fighting amphibians, resorts to becoming a druid in order to rescue the Princess, Zombie Jamboree. The game consists of driving around in a van known as the Mystery Machine, shooting non believers and saving goats. The more goats that you save, the higher your druid ranking and the more Porkslope's you will earn. Earning enough Porkslopes is said to unlock a secret character.
The game is well known for one of the characters special attack. This attack is known as the "Frenzy dance". Activating this causes the player to leave the van and run around screaming, attacking everything in site with a gigantic axe.
But unfortunately, due to a cataclysmic error in time and space, a vortex carried my USB flash drive that the game was stored on into the year 2001 and, consequentially, it was found by Reggie Fils-Anime. After Reggie Fils-Anime put the game onto his hard drive, the game magically started and he played for 13 days, without sleep, until he had kicked all ass and taken all names in the game, a crucial game mechanic. it is said that only Reggie Fils-Anime
knows every secret to this game, though this information may be false.
Now onto the main plot I HAVEN'T PLAYED MUCH OF THE GAME AND HAVE ONLY HEARD SOME OF THIS TO TRUE SO DON'T HOLD MY WORD TO THIS
The plot opens with the main druid fighting off the invading fighting amphibians bursting from every wall, floor, and ceiling that they can find. After fighting them off to defend the princess, the druid finds that Princess Zombie has been struck with a terrible curse, a warrant for an arrest! Thus, the druid sets out in his Mystery Machine van, riding and fighting and driving and goat "saving" across the country. He fights bosses, nosy investigators who come to investigate and solve the mystery, starting with jessica Flecher, then Magnum PI, the Diagnonsis Murder guy, that one chick, Brother Cadfael (Notable for being the only boss that actually calls upon the power of God to damn the player of the game to Hell), detective Columbo (You can't really kill him, he's just too adorable), Hockles. The final boss, in a move highly regarded as a great innovation is, yourself as it is revealed that the Druid is actually Shaggy from the Scooby Gang, who in an overdose of LSD was convinced the other members of the posse had to die. When the player defeats all the enemies, ensuring the safety of his consciousness and the grove and Princess Zombie, he is promptly bannedished from the land to roam enternally on the highway in the Mystery Machine.
I have not heard much about the characters in the game much of the following is heard from friends.
It is speculated that Reggie Fils-Amise knows the correct names of the characters but had them changed a the last minute, due to time paradoxes that could spiral out of control if names of the future were to be released. It is rumoured that, somewhere in West Philadelphia, there exists a magical cave which holds my USB flash drive and that a sacred guardian keeps watch, this guardian is said to be non other than the Fresh Prince of Bel Air himself.
The main character is not named, though it is debated whether or not his name is heard in lines of dialogue as Ronald Mcdonald. However, what is not in debate is how bad a dude the main character is. It is rumored that, whilst on many magical and mystical adventures, the main character was actually bad enough dude to rescue the current president of his time from countless Ninjas.
Zombie, a prominent protagonist in the game, is a beautiful maiden and is the main storyline incentive as to complete the game. Though, the only person ever to complete the game was Reggie Fils-Amise, many have suggested that there is a sex scene between the two main characters and that the ending is of the world exploding and the face of the Magical Druid, our main character, flies off into space. Unfortunately, Zombie remains to be elusive to this date, due to the fact that nobdy has ever seen her because nobody has, as of yet, completed the game.
As a main plot twist, the character Hockles joins your team of The Druid, Tom (a whimsical sidecharacter cat that follows the group around and uses magical abilities to be seen anywhere he wants at any time) and Spoof, a great and mighty warrior who actually turns out to be a girl. Hockles is debatably the most awesome character in the game because of his special abilities to call upon God to get through the level. This can only be used once in the game and, unfortunately, cannot be used on the last level because it is set beyond time and space itself.
the following are some rumors I've heard I doubt they're true but who knows.
An unclassified article in a Japanese Newspaper Kotaku appeared in 2009 stating that a Japanese girl, aged 17, had played the game for 12 days and apparently set the record for completing the game. Unfortunately, after completing the game and seeing such a beautiful ending, she committed suicide and the whole of her hard drive was erased instantly, to which her computer teleported into a wormhole. it is safe to say that Jack Thompson exploded into millions of pieces of candy because he is a ludicrous idiot and makes up crap about games being violent. The joke's on him. He's already dead. In the future.
Most of the game's soundtrack was composed by a man going under the pseudonym of Daxflame. It was said to have been inspired by Final Fantasy 7, because, and Daxflame quotes, "It is the greatest game ever created." For this rumor alone, a copy of the game is now worth over $599 US dollars.
It is said that, because of Nintendo's licensing on the game, you can unlock Angry Kirby by defeating 20 enemies on impossible melee. As far, nobody has actually has killed 4 enemies on Impossible melee and the first is through the fact that the main character sends the first 3 flying through a wall of any direction. There are said to be pictures of 3 Amphibians crashing through a wall, circulating around the internet, though most people's hard drives have spontaneously combusted because this far too awesome to handle in one .jpeg.
Much Controversy has been around this game since its release here are some things that have proven that the game is unfit for humankind.
In the summer of 2014, 4 teenagers played the game in an underground, secret laboratory. They played for 5 years and mutated into horrible manifestations of turtles. They now roam the underground cities and sewers of New York, terrorizing the city and destroying everything in their path.
Attempted in 2003, a young asian man attempted to make a world record run of the game in order to complete it outright. This started on September 11th and carried on til September 14th where, upon reaching level 3, the young asain man got up from his seat and exploded, killing thousands of bystanders.
The game is actually given 2 M ratings on each side due to its severe nature.
After seeing the box art, a 14 year old boy ascended into the sky, never to be seen again by mankind. It is rumored that this boy would eventually be the creator of the game and that, due to the major paradox that the game created by being in existence before many of its events happened, he was taken into the future to ultimately be the creator of the game. This only cause controversy because this was the last remaining copy of YЯЭTERY in existence and, after being taken to the future, it would become the number 1 selling game in 2059, 2060 and it would eventually cause the destruction of the universe after a tournament was held with over 1 billion Japanese people taking part in order to complete the game.
I have decided to attempt completing the game on easy I'm already on level 2 but I find it hard to just keep my eyes from bleeding.
Need Help Solving Mystery 
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