Well okay... for starters, I am a 19-year-old female...And I really need to change a lot of things in my life. Well, mostly one thing... And I'm sorry.. this is going to be extremely long.
You see, this past summer (2011), I was introduced by a friend to the website chat roulette. At first I thought it was just kinda funny and interesting to be able to get on there at my friends house and talk to people from all over and see them while doing it. (Once you get past the nasties on the site, right?)
Well, when I got a new lap top with a web cam, I decided to get on chat roulette alone. During the summer, I didn't have much to do.. and we'll just blame it on the fact that a good portion of it, I didn't have a car because it was being fixed for a long time from a minor wreck.
Okay, cut to the chase...
I began to get on the site regularly, coming across guys who were obviously looking for some sexual entertainment (the nasties). Really, I was only looking for guys to talk
to, but slowly the more they asked me to show my body, well the more closely I would come to doing it. After I did it the first time, I felt so badly. I felt like a horrible person and I really didn't want to do it again. But I still wanted to talk to people on there because surprisingly, I was able to find some decent conversation.
Well, it didn't take long before I did it again, and again I felt badly for it. It was a constant cycle-- back and forth between me really feeling low and then feeling wanted and enjoying compliments and attention from males.
My actions could likely be attributed to the fact that I don't have a 100% great relationship with my father. I've heard it before everywhere-- tv (Dr. Phil), wherever: girls with daddy problems crave attention from males. Well, I mean, I never really encountered that problem until now because I didn't date really at all in high school and for some reason didn't really feel this urge the same way.
The problem doesn't necessarily stop at chat roulette though, I've added many guys that I've me on CR (or omegle) onto skype.. I currently have 25 skype contacts. About 9 of them are friends/family/etc... the rest are strictly from the internet. And that, wow.. that is just crazy isn't it?
Granted, there are some contacts that I added and never spoke to again. Some I never had anything sexual online stuff going on with them, BUT just the fact that I have been seeking that much attention... it's just so sad to me. The worst of it being that I have deleted contacts only to add more, etc.
Approximately 9 of my current contacts I have done something sexual with on webcam, or maybe have even sent pictures (only underwear and bra, but still). But that's not including the ones I've deleted, or the guys I just never added and only did things with on the sites. I can count about 6 that I've deleted-- 3 of them being guys I've done something sexual with.
It has gotten as bad as creating some sort of relationships with some of them-- throwing "love" at one another, causing me to feel attachment to them (the guys always initiated it in some way). One from Italy, he is one I've deleted, would constantly hound me to help him masturbate. I felt so proud of myself from removing that out of my life, but then in came more. Most recently, I really began to like a guy from Australia, he told me he loved me and he became all I thought about, but I messed things up with him buy doing things with two different guys in one night and feeling so guilty that I admitted it to him. I felt so sick to my stomach with guilt, I literally almost threw up. But since he and I don't talk as much anymore (still unsure if he still thinks there is something between us or not), I have done stuff with MORE guys. So if he was still wanting to keep something between us, if he found that out... I doubt he'd want me anymore.
Tonight alone, I have spoken to two guys (one is a new contact, one has been around for a while) on skype. Showed one guy my bra, showed the other my breasts. And then spoke to a few other guys online. The one who has been around for a while, he has only ever wanted sexual favors for me, and do I comply? Yes, I do. Because he tells me I'm beautiful and hot and whatever else and I enjoy it. I want him to want me but I know why he wants me. And afterward I feel so used and sad and mad at myself and mad at him for only wanting that. Even while I'm doing it sometimes, even beforehand, I feel like crying, I feel like I shouldn't do it.
Anyway, enough of my stats, the point is... I have a problem. I am hoarding males to receive attention from and this is in no way okay and it doesn't make me feel any better. It makes me feel good for the time being, but at the end of the day I really have begun to dislike myself greatly for this. Especially because I've really driven myself far far away from God by doing this. I feel like I've tainted everything, I wanted to save myself for marriage and well, I know I really haven't had sex. But it's the whole principle of the thing...
The point is, I need help.
I'm sure I will be told to block these sites, delete skype, disable my webcam, etc. But I'm just like any other addict, I want help, but I don't know that I can do what it takes to get better.
What do I do?