04-19-2013, 07:41 AM
Join Date: Jul 2012
Don't ever feel like it's ever enough
I suffer from what many of us call, "perfectionism", although I'm not OCD about every little detail. It's just that I'm highly competitive -- and if someone ever surpasses me, or if I have yet to become the best, I wither on the inside.
I divide myself into numerous competitive areas, and that "GOGOGO" voice in me tells me to be the best in all of them. Academically (overall AND by class), within my JROTC unit (and since this has numerous teams, such as an academic team, an athletic team, drills teams, etc as well as ranks and recognition... you see?), Athletically overall, socially, in writing (since I hold this especially dear to me) -- all these things and more.
I feel the need to conquer, to nearly wipe the floor with my rivals, but not because I like seeing them squirm; it's the principle of not being the best. It means I am powerless.
I think it's because there were things that happened in my early childhood which I was powerless to prevent, and so that insecurity has dragged on into adolescence. It's a conflict I'm not sure how to resolve, except through appeasing my personal demon and being the best at everything I deem important.
Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my opponents, I in fact respect them as an equal. But I am driven to become powerful over them, not for anyone else's respect...oh forget it, I try to shy away from recognition for the things I do but then get frustrated when it seems as though no one appreciates the abilities I have. Otherwise, I could care less about the opinions of others.
I have issues, and insecurities galore. I want to overcome them, but the problem is whether it is best to appease that darker part of my ambition. The problem is that if I do, I feel like it will only ask for more, and more, until it demands me to be the best in the world at something or other.
Yeah. Take from that what you will. I just needed to vent, and maybe to get some reassurance.