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Old 08-04-2007, 11:33 PM   #1
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Best Friend Dating Ex

Hi, I'm facing a problem that I could really use some help with.

About an hour ago, I found out that my best friend and my ex-girlfriend are going out together. The entire situation is, I suppose a bit complicted, but here are the basics:

I stopped going out with my girlfriend on 15th April this year, but we are still close friends. My best friend knows (and previously agreed with me) that I wouldn't really be happy with it. They both live very closeby and we all see each other a lot, so you can hopefully imagine how it would hurt me.

My best friend broke up with his other girlfriend last Sunday and seemed pretty bothered by this, which was odd since he didn't mind cheating on her with my ex-girlfriend while he was going out with her. Also, he can't be that put out by it since he's now going out with my ex...

Anyway, since discovering this, my ex insisted on ringing me to talk about it, so I told her I was extremely disappointed in both of them. I feel lied to, since my ex once said that she would never go out with my best friend if it would hurt me and my best friend once said that he saw me as a brother and could never do something like that to me. He also said that even if he did, it was still a bit soon after she and I went out, since we were going out for over a year and were very close.

I really don't know exactly how to react. I am very disappointed in both of them for many reasons. My ex was telling my on Tuesday how much she hated my best friend and was unlikely to go out with him and my best friend was telling me how annoying he found my ex too. I haven't exploded (as they thought I would), but I have said how disappointed I am. The thing is, I've known my best friend for 7 years now and I really don't want to lose him as a friend, even though he's recently done some seriously out-of-order things.

I just need other people's opinions on what to think. I think I have every right to be annoyed and frankly it's going to be hard getting along with either of them for a while, but I don't want to lose them completely, particularly my best friend. Or am I being too naive? I'm really confused
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Old 08-05-2007, 04:54 AM   #2
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Re: Best Friend Dating Ex

Well, i understand why you're annoyed and i would be but was there ever a chance of you and your ex getting back together? If there wasn't then you can't really blame her for finding someone else, she can't be expected to stay single and if she thinks she'll be happy with your best friend then maybe you should just offer them your support, as hard as it is you have to accept that this isn't your girlfriend anymore and she's free to date whoever she wants. You've told them how disappointed you are sso the only thing you can do is try to move on and wish them the best. Sorry if it isn't what you wanted to hear but thats my honest opinion.
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Old 08-05-2007, 05:01 AM   #3
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Re: Best Friend Dating Ex

Well.
You and her were broken up, so it wasn't exactly wrong for her to do stuff with your best friend. It's their lives, they can do what they please.
Although if your friend promised he wouldn't have your seconds, that is wrong for him to do stuff with this chick. And truly, I think it is wrong that he would do something like that, when he knows how awkward and how hurt you would be.
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Old 08-05-2007, 04:54 PM   #4
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Re: Best Friend Dating Ex

The thing is, though, that they both knew it would hurt me. And I'm only human; I think I'm perfectly justified to feel hurt. Dating your best friend's ex is just one of those things that decent people don't do - unless the given situation is slightly different and permits it, of course.

No, they both knew it would hurt me and they did it anyway. My ex said that I had the power to stop her going out with my best friend because all I had to do was say I wouldn't like it and then she'd never do anything like that to hurt me. My best friend said I'm like a brother to him and he could never do anything like that to me. Last Saturday my best friend told me (for the umpteenth time) that he finds my ex irritating to be around. Last Tuesday my ex told me all about how she hated my best friend for the things he did to his own ex, cheating on her and leading my ex on. Last Friday they started going out.

I just don't understand where this has come from.
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Old 08-06-2007, 05:53 AM   #5
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Re: Best Friend Dating Ex

Yes, you have every right to feel the way you feel and I think if they really care about you as they seem like they do, then you should talk to them and really just give your input on the situation. I seriously know how you feel, but you don't want to complicate the situation further and there shouldn't be a misunderstanding between you and your best friend. I think what you ought to do is talk one-on-one with your ex-girlfriend first to see how the situation looks from her point of view and then have the one-on-one with your best friend or so-called "brother" to see what he has to say, then tell both of them how you feel and see if they considers your feeling. Because, I don't think it's best if you lost two people you care about over this mishap, and it's best to solve it now.

Anyways, I wish you the best of luck with your friend and your ex.
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Old 08-06-2007, 03:45 PM   #6
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Re: Best Friend Dating Ex

Well, I spoke to them both about it on the phone last night, individually. My ex was hounding after me online so I told her to ring me, which she did, and I just told her what I thought. To be honest, I want her out of my life forever now - I almost did that before, but I ended up giving her another chance even though i knew it would be a bad idea. I don't know what possessed me to do it, frankly.

As for him, I've told him that, while he is going out with my ex, I just don't want to have anything to do with him. I would still like to be his friend in the future, but only after he breaks up with her and comes and apoligies to me - in person (something that he especially would find difficult as he hates talking about important things like that in person).

The thing that really got me was they both had the nerve to tell me I should be happy for them because "I'm suppose to be their friend". Supposed to be their friend?! THEY are supposed to be MY friend! And look what they've done to me!

I've been talking to my mum and dad about this a lot (that may seem kinda odd to some, but I've always had a really good relationship with my parents and can talk to them about anything) and they've both been reassuring me about it. The thing is, I think I'm doing the right thing by cutting them off, but I'm petrified that I'll never get my best friend back. My dad says he'd put money on them breaking up within a fortnight and my best friend coming back to me and saying he's sorry. Whilst I completely agree that the two of them together isn't going to last very long at all, I'm just really scared that my best friend won't have the courage to come and admit he was wrong and apologize to me, and I really don't want to lose him. Every fibre in me says that if he doesn't come and apologize, he was never the friend I thought he was in the first place, but it is so hard to accept that a seven-year friendship could be destroyed like that.
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Old 08-06-2007, 10:58 PM   #7
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Re: Best Friend Dating Ex

you really know how to choose an A+ best friend. Maybe you can help me find a new best friend.
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Old 08-07-2007, 01:57 AM   #8
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Re: Best Friend Dating Ex

i wouldnt be so mad about it for the following
1. you were broken up over, done, savy?
2. hes ur best friend and its in the best friend hand book
No Cock Blocking; exceptions are limited to ur knowledge of
friends selected partner having one or more
STDs more severe crabs (bc a friend with crabs
is a funny friend)
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Old 08-11-2007, 12:51 AM   #9
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Re: Best Friend Dating Ex

i must say that you are being selfish. there is no reason y it should hurt u. u say ur ex is ur friend right? and that you other friend is ur best friend correct? so if they are happy together u should be happy for them! who are you to stop them? the ex? u broke up in april it is august! get over her and move on. it sounds like u still had feelings for her. im srry but obviously she was not interested in getting back together, find a new girlfriend. this is a stupid reason to end a seven year relationship.
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Old 08-11-2007, 03:30 AM   #10
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Re: Best Friend Dating Ex

... well, thank you very much for that input, but frankly I completely disagree. Firstly, I do not have feelings for my ex-girlfriend at all, and if either of us it was ME who insisted we would never get back together again. Second of all, it is simply not the done thing for a close friend to go out with your ex like that. You'll probably say that's really stupid or something next, but honestly there are a great many people who believe in that and have said that to me in the past - including the best friend in question.

The other thing is that half the problem here is that they knew it would hurt me, but still did it anyway. Even if I never said it bothered me it would still be a very wrong thing to do, but considering they are supposed to be my friends, I didn't expect them to hurt me in this way. I had both of them telling me that "should be happy for them because I'm their friend", but why should I have any moral obligation to them when they clearly have none for me?

Another thing you say is "who are you to stop them?" - I never said I was going to stop them. What I would like is some recognition from those who are supposed to care for me that they've crossed the line and let me down. I don't really think that's a great deal to ask.

Lastly, I should like to point out that I don't want to end a seven-year friendship. As I said, I think I deserve some kind of apology, but I am not going to just cut my best friend out of my life forever. There are very few things he could do that would make me do that and this isn't one of them. I do, however, feel I need to have a little respect for my own feelings and stand up for them.

So, in response to your comment that "this is a stupid reason to end a seven year relationship", I should say that you are right, this would be a stupid reason to end a seven-year relationship. But this isn't the reason I'm annoyed and I don't want to end a seven-year friendship, so I fail to see any relevance.
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Old 08-11-2007, 03:38 AM   #11
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Re: Best Friend Dating Ex

what part of "No Cock-blocking" do u not understand?
if u were my best friend id kick u in the nuts
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Old 08-11-2007, 03:39 AM   #12
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Re: Best Friend Dating Ex

i'm not beng funny and i havent read everything. i think you should just get over it. its been awhile since you went out with her.

and you are being pretty rude to the people that are giving you their honest opinion, answering your question and telling you what they think. there is no point in asking something if you arent going to listen to them and take their advice
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Old 08-11-2007, 04:26 AM   #13
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Re: Best Friend Dating Ex

It was mainly that Punk21 seemed to have totally misinterpreted the situation, saying that I'm not over my ex-girlfriend, which is not true. I'm not angry because I wanted to go out with her again or because I'm jealous, it's because they knew it would hurt me, they both said they couldn't do something like that to hurt me, and then they did anyway. You have my apologies if I came across as being rude, but the advice given by Punk21 really was not relevant to the situation in hand as it is not true.

And, to be perfectly honest, that "no cock-blocking" thing is totally ridiculous in my opinion and the opinion of most of the people I know. Call it a different culture or whatever you want, but here where I am people's feelings come into play a little more than that.
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Old 08-11-2007, 04:41 AM   #14
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Re: Best Friend Dating Ex

and where might that be?
i always figured the no cock blocking rule to be universal
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Old 08-11-2007, 09:04 PM   #15
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Re: Best Friend Dating Ex

Quote:
Originally Posted by ld0988 View Post
... well, thank you very much for that input, but frankly I completely disagree. Firstly, I do not have feelings for my ex-girlfriend at all, and if either of us it was ME who insisted we would never get back together again. Second of all, it is simply not the done thing for a close friend to go out with your ex like that. You'll probably say that's really stupid or something next, but honestly there are a great many people who believe in that and have said that to me in the past - including the best friend in question.

The other thing is that half the problem here is that they knew it would hurt me, but still did it anyway. Even if I never said it bothered me it would still be a very wrong thing to do, but considering they are supposed to be my friends, I didn't expect them to hurt me in this way. I had both of them telling me that "should be happy for them because I'm their friend", but why should I have any moral obligation to them when they clearly have none for me?

Another thing you say is "who are you to stop them?" - I never said I was going to stop them. What I would like is some recognition from those who are supposed to care for me that they've crossed the line and let me down. I don't really think that's a great deal to ask.

Lastly, I should like to point out that I don't want to end a seven-year friendship. As I said, I think I deserve some kind of apology, but I am not going to just cut my best friend out of my life forever. There are very few things he could do that would make me do that and this isn't one of them. I do, however, feel I need to have a little respect for my own feelings and stand up for them.

So, in response to your comment that "this is a stupid reason to end a seven year relationship", I should say that you are right, this would be a stupid reason to end a seven-year relationship. But this isn't the reason I'm annoyed and I don't want to end a seven-year friendship, so I fail to see any relevance.
okay. if you didnt want to get back with her y are you hurting? did u want them to ask your permission first? it sounds like a nice thing to do but i dont really picture anyone asking sum one esle if they can go out with their ex.

secondly, you really had no right to make your best friend promise never to go out with your ex. i belive you stated that earlier. when he forcefully agreed he probably didn't have feelings for her. things change as you well know. by making him promise not to date her you were not being a really good friend, you were being selfish. like you are at the moment. you didnt want to get back together with her, it looks like you broke up with her, wut do you want from them then? just because your miserable you can't ask them to be.

you say your parents and other friends agree with you. havent you ever thought that they are just telling you what you want to hear? you parents arre obviously baised, and the other people probably don't want to hurt your feelings.

if anyone deeserves an appology it is your freind and your ex, because you are being a complete arse about this situation.

if you dont want to be opened minded and listen to other peoples opinion y post? because you wanted to hear that you were right? well your not right your wrong. sorry to say it but you are. grow up. this will happen again if not with this friend with another.
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