ok i am almost in tear typing this. so for the past week i have been in one huge, long breakdown. an effect of this has been i.e. on wednesday i had a math quiz two days before i knew how to do it and understood it. on the quiz day i totally was lost in thought and i failed the quiz b/c i for got how to do the math.

anyways, sry but this will be long.
recently, i have been staying up, like i am doing now, late like 2-3 am every night. This has caused me to think about everything i have done and possibly will do in the past/ future respectfully.
here are the main points:
1. dating/girls
2. friends/future friends
3. school/ college

ok
#1 Dating/girls
I started 'dating' last year, it was a bad relationship, if u could it that. It lasted a week. I only said yes to her b/c she threatened to kill herself if i didn't say yes. so i said yes. I didn't like her. She didn't like me. On the weekend of the first week, I went to Indianapolis for a band thing. I had came back on monday and my best friend told me that she cheated on me by making-out with him. This totally crushed me even though i didn;t like her. I ended the relationship after she denied that she made out with my best friend. This 'relationship' created trust issues for me.

a few more huge mistakes with other girls...
Fast forward, half a year. I started having feelings for this girl who was on the same team as I was(fencing). I really liked but i didn't know how to tell her b/c of the trust issues and i was very very shy. so later that year we went out to breakfast before school a couple times and we got along amazingly. However i was too involved in what she and were saying taht i didn't ask her out but i wanted to and i think she wanted me to ask her out. but either way nothing happened, and the next semester she didn't even pay attention to me so i knew my chances were zero and none.

Close after that^, i for got about trying to get someone. I made really close friends with a group of kids near me in one of my classes. Soon after i had feelings for both of the girls b/c they were really nice but they both had bfs and it seems that the only girls that pay attention to me are the ones that are taken/ WHY?!?!?

#2 Friends/Future friends?

I have had friends through out my life and i love(no homo of course)them all. However, It seems to me that i can only be happy and more outgoing, socially, when i am with my close friends. for example, When i am riding the bus home everyday, i always just sit there and listen and laugh when someone tells a joke and i never talk but i dont think that that is my fault b/c all they talk about is drugs and having wild parties(which i don't either and fine with that). But then when i am chilling in the mornings with my friends i am talking, happy and laughing at anything b/c my friends understand that i will laugh at almost anything(i.e. when i was younger i laughed the word 'celing fan')

but what has been worrying me, what i've been thinking, is what will happen when i go to college(i have this semester and one more year to go)? i fear that i will be the kid who just goes to class, does his hw and studys and thats all he does. and this scared me soo much that when me and my best friend went to a college fair together, he wanted to major in some like sound engineering(i dont remember exactly what it was) but he didn't find a college that had that as a major, so i basically said hey why dont you come to MY college that I want to go to and do MY major and NOT yours(not literally but in the nicer version and not meaning to say that kind of way). and so he saw it and was excited about b/c we reealized that we may be going to the same college. but when i stayed up thinking, i realized what i had done to my friend's dream, i crushed it and i felt horrible about and still do which added to my breakdown.

plus, on friday i received a call from of my friends' mom saying that he had run away and she couldn't find him and didn't know where was. me being a caring person i sent a message to my close friends saying keep a look out for him and send his mom a message if u saw him. and when i heard he ran away, my heart dropped(this doesn't make me gay just b/c i like my friends and i am sad b/c my friend ran away) and i was speechless and i reassured his mom and tried calling him to no avail. and this was the lowest low of my breakdown and made me even more depressed that i was...

and finally
#3 school/college
I kind of gave you what i was going to say about college in #2 but ow well. So i school lately since i have been having this week long breakdown, i have lost all interest in school, even in my favorite classes i lost interest, which made my grades go down b/c i wasn't paying attention in class which added to my breakdown, plus my parents got mad at me and limited my social aspect this week and pushed me farther into my breakdown. and plus my graduation tests start monday, in which i have to pass these other wise i have to take them again and might not be able to graduate.....

thanks for reading im sorry it was long and sry for the errors, through out the whole thing i was on the brink that crying reflecting on how auful my week/year has been and believe me it took me a long time to type all of this but this the end of it and i'd really appreciate for some feed back/helpful feedback

1- I can see where your coming from with the trust issues but that girl sounds really over dramatic you should have just turned her down. With dating issues- don't worry. You'll find the right girl eventualy give it time and dont rush into things.

2- With the firensd thing don;t sweat it- the sad thing is when you move to college you DO loose some friends but if a few go to the same college ( not nessisarily the same course) you'll stay in contact with those friends and not really notice your other friends arnt their- plus you'll be with new people and will probably make new friends regardless of how shy you are.

3- Your probably having problems with school becasue your getting all worked up about this other stuff. Try and relax a little bit- have some "me" time0 like if you have any hobbies loose your self in those for a bit on weekends or after school to get rid of some of this stress / anxiety your dealing with. I'm dealign with some anxiety problems at the moment and thats caused me to have the same problems school wise- which is bad considering i have an A level exam like... next week. but seriously take your mind off of things with a hobby or go out to a party or soemthing. dont WORRY about whats going to happen in the future- deal with it when it gets here. For now just enjoy what you have

Hope that helped some what XD

~Tally

how about a nice cup of shut the fuck up you whiny bitch?

too much to read at 4am.


conclusion?

faggotry.

tl;dr

op is a fag

*sigh i feel soooooooooooooo much better now thank you Ron and Gazm for your intelligent and very helpful advice its EXACTLY what needed right now. so I applaud you in your efforts of sending me into more of a depression and breakdown i REALLY appreciate it
oh P.S. that whole paragraph is covered in FREAKING SARCASM!
SO GO TO HELL!!!
P.S.S. I NEED REAL ADVICE TO THE REST OF YOU ALL