I just want die - here's my story, its long, I'll summarize it as well as I can, but I hope at least some of you will take the time to read and understand why I just want to die.
I never had a happy childhood. Being the only daughter in the family, I recieved constant sexual abuse from my brothers and my father. My mother couldn't care less, and I had no friends to turn to, and all my relatives live oceans away.
My life suddenly took a turn for the worse when I was 13. I was raped by my father - which, as a matter of fact, was nothing out of the ordinary. It wasn't the first time, and certainly not the last, but there was one big difference this time - I became pregnant.
One evening I was extremely ill and I couldn't stop vomiting, so my parents took me to the hospital where the emergency room doctor discovered that I was 17 weeks pregnant. My parents were outraged and began accusing me of all sorts of horrible things - even though they knew why I was pregnant. They demanded I have an abortion, but I said no, because the thought of it scared me. My father flew into an uncontrollable rage and yelled and screamed at me right there in the hospital ward, while I cried as my mother watched in silence from a few feet away. I begged her to help me, but she simply sat there and refused to say anything. My father started hitting and slapping me and I curled up on the floor and bawled my eyes out, the hospital staff could only look on in shock.
I didn't know what to do. I just wanted it to stop, so eventually I gave in. Just a short time later, I was brought upstairs, strapped to a table, and my baby was brutally killed. It was by far the most physically and emotionally painful thing I'd ever been through, and the doctors wouldn't even tell me if my baby was a boy or girl, and I'll probably never know. No one did anything to comfort me and I cried all the way home; my parents never said a word.
I was so emotionally battered by the abortion that the years that followed were full of crime and drug abuse. The sexual abuse continued, but somehow I didn't get pregnant again. Over the years I've been in a lot of stormy and abusive relationships with a countless number of guys. Everytime things were going wrong, I had the same feeling that I just want to die.
I've cleaned up my act now, and I'm no longer living with my family so they can't abuse me anymore, but I've healed very little inside. Often times, I just sit at my bedroom and reflect on my past, and I wonder why I'm still alive when I always felt like i just want to die....
I never had a happy childhood. Being the only daughter in the family, I recieved constant sexual abuse from my brothers and my father. My mother couldn't care less, and I had no friends to turn to, and all my relatives live oceans away.
My life suddenly took a turn for the worse when I was 13. I was raped by my father - which, as a matter of fact, was nothing out of the ordinary. It wasn't the first time, and certainly not the last, but there was one big difference this time - I became pregnant.
One evening I was extremely ill and I couldn't stop vomiting, so my parents took me to the hospital where the emergency room doctor discovered that I was 17 weeks pregnant. My parents were outraged and began accusing me of all sorts of horrible things - even though they knew why I was pregnant. They demanded I have an abortion, but I said no, because the thought of it scared me. My father flew into an uncontrollable rage and yelled and screamed at me right there in the hospital ward, while I cried as my mother watched in silence from a few feet away. I begged her to help me, but she simply sat there and refused to say anything. My father started hitting and slapping me and I curled up on the floor and bawled my eyes out, the hospital staff could only look on in shock.
I didn't know what to do. I just wanted it to stop, so eventually I gave in. Just a short time later, I was brought upstairs, strapped to a table, and my baby was brutally killed. It was by far the most physically and emotionally painful thing I'd ever been through, and the doctors wouldn't even tell me if my baby was a boy or girl, and I'll probably never know. No one did anything to comfort me and I cried all the way home; my parents never said a word.
I was so emotionally battered by the abortion that the years that followed were full of crime and drug abuse. The sexual abuse continued, but somehow I didn't get pregnant again. Over the years I've been in a lot of stormy and abusive relationships with a countless number of guys. Everytime things were going wrong, I had the same feeling that I just want to die.
I've cleaned up my act now, and I'm no longer living with my family so they can't abuse me anymore, but I've healed very little inside. Often times, I just sit at my bedroom and reflect on my past, and I wonder why I'm still alive when I always felt like i just want to die....
