WARNING LONG some SHORTISH ERAGON JOKES
see more go to 32 Short Tales About Alagaesia, an Inheritance Cycle fanfic - FanFiction.Net
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cats are evil
Durza Orders a Cheezeburger
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Our story begins with our heroes in the Varden headquarters in Surda. Arya is alone in her quarters, in front of her mirror, carefully using a tiny little brush to make sure her eyebrows are perfectly sculpted. Suddenly she sees a new reflection appear in her mirror, and she spins around to see Eragon.
"Oh, Eragon!" Arya says, in her lilting musical voice. "I wasn't expected you."
Which was a total lie, of course, because Eragon was always following her around like a lovesick puppy-dog, but what of that? "I'm sorry," said Eragon. "Do you want me to leave?"
"Oh, I suppose you can stay," Arya says solemnly.
Eragon smiles, then looks away for a moment. Soon he clears his throat and says, "Your eyebrows are looking very sculpted today."
"Oh! Thank you," Arya said offhandedly, brushing them carefully.
Eragon cleared his throat again, becoming more bold. "And your hair looks very nice today too."
"Thank you again."
"And your sparkling green eyes...and your swanlike neck...and your..." His eyes were quickly going down his body.
"Oh!" Arya said swiftly, whipping herself around. "Eragon, stop it!"
"But I can't! Your so utterly, unbelievably beautiful! Please, Arya, can't we be together?"
"No!" she said dramatically. "I cannot! We're different races! We're different classes! I'm old enough to be your great-great-grandmother, for goodness' sakes!"
"Alright," she said suddenly, her voice turning very businesslike, turning back around to face him, hand on her hip.
"Wha?" Eragon said, eyebrows shooting up.
"I said...okay," she said, sexfully, and jumped onto Eragon. He let out a cry, landed on Arya's bed, and soon they were tangled in a sweaty human-elf ball.
Two and a half glorious minutes later, Arya was sucking on a cigerette filter, as Eragon lay beside her in bed, his bare chest rising and falling as he panted. "Wow," he said, head dizzy. "I can't believe we just did that!"
"Yes," said Arya, flicking the cig butt away. She turned over toward him. Turning her voice to dramatic mode again, she said, "It seems crazy, I know--who would have ever guessed that a rugged messianic human would wind up with a hot elfin princess? But I don't care if it breaks tradition! It just feels so right!"
"Aye," said Eragon. Then he sat up, clearing his throat. "So, uh...can we..." he grinned, sheepish. "Do that again?"
"Oh, actually, I gotta go," Arya said curtly, getting out of bed and quickly putting her tight leather outfit back on. "I have to go see that blonde chick with the dragon tattoo. Maybe I'll scry you later." And she swept out of the room.
Eragon's face was frozen in a look of shock for a minute. "What?!" Then he cocked his head, considering, and jumped out of bed. "Hey! Can I come along?"
The Way They Might Do It, Part II
Solumbum yawned, sauntering up the hallway towards his and Angela's quarters, when he stopped, raising an eyebrow at the sight of her, Orik, Nasuada and Murtagh all sitting on the floor with a bowl of popcorn, staring at a random door for absolutely no reason apparent to him.
"Um, hey," Solumbum said.
"Hey," Orik said, tossing a few pieces of popcorn into his mouth.
Solumbum looked from the group to the door, and then back to the dwarf and asked, "So, uh...what are you all doing here?"
"Oh, just listening to Arya and Eragon have sex," Nasuada explained, reaching over Orik's shoulder for a handful of popcorn.
Sure enough, just then an ecstatic shout of glee from Eragon came through the door, and the sound of mattress springs. Solumbum's eyes went wide as he gaped from it back to the group. Then he grinned. "This is so
wrong," he said, completely unconcerned, as he sat down next to Orik and jabbed a piece of popcorn with one claw.
"Hee-hee...this is great," Murtagh asked, rubbing his hands together.
Solumbum raised an eyebrow at him. "Aren't you supposed to be evil at this point in the story?" he asked. "And for that matter, isn't it a little creepy that you're spying on your little brother losing his virginity?"
"What? I'm not getting turned on by this like any of you freaks," Murtagh said, stuffing some popcorn into his mouth. "I'm just waiting for something funny to happen."
"That's why we're all here. None
of us are getting turned on by this," Angela said, rolling her eyes.
"I am," Orik muttered, eliciting a disturbed look from everyone else in the room.
"Oh! Oh, Eragon! ERAGON!" came Arya's voice from inside the room, causing everybody to forget Orik's perversion and break out in barely-suppressed giggles.
"Oh!" said Eragon. "Yes! Oh, yes...oh, Arwen! Arwen, Arwen!"
The sound of the mattress springs immediately stopped.
did you say?" Arya's voice came through the door, no longer at all happy but sounding as cold as her heart is in the canon.
"Ooooh!" Murtagh was practically dancing in his seat. "Here it comes," he said, grinning ear to ear.
Eragon, sputtering confusedly, spoke after a moment. "I just...called out your name, 'Arya, Arya...'" "Nooooo,"
Arya said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "You said Arwen.
"Oh--buh, uh--d-did I?"
"Who is this Arwen, Eragon?"
"Who is she?!"
A blast of magical power, and the door suddenly flew off its hinges. The others screamed and dodged just in time for Eragon (thankfully wrapped in a sheet) to come flying out of the room, smack into a wall and crumble amongst broken stone, popcorn and bed pieces. A moment later Arya came out of the room, a bathrobe hastily thrown on, and she stormed away, not stopping to notice any of the people who had been eavesdropping moments before.
Immediately as she was out of earshot, Murtagh burst out laughing. "That was even better than I thought!" he cried, falling onto the floor and giggling with joy.
Heh-heh, it sure was. Anyway, tune in next
time and we'll see what Murtagh's
first time was like! Now that
was a hoot, let me tell you!
"Ha ha--wait, what?" The color drained from his face. "You're not serious, are you?"
Heh-heh. Just wait and see.
"No, please, I'll do anything--"
See you then!