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Old 09-11-2012, 02:19 PM   #1
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Boyfriend's mom..

A little bit of a back story about us: Me and my boyfriend will be together a year and a half as of this upcoming Thursday. I'm 20 years old and he is 23 years old. I currently don't have a job. I was going to school, but I have taken a year off due to the fact that I'm undecided on what I want to do. He works at a grocery store making around $8 an hour. Trying to talk him into going to college so he can get a higher paying job and he's thinking about starting next year (fingers crossed). I live at home with my mom who is an LPN working good hours so me not working isn't really much of a problem, but I have been looking for a job. No such luck yet. He lives at home with his mom, grandmother, mom's boyfriend (currently in jail), two brothers (16 almost 17 & 14), and a sister (13).

Here's the problem: He's the only one out of 7 people that live at his house with a job. His grandmother is disabled so I understand why she doesn't work. His mom is in her 40's and has no reason why she can't work. She's been with her boyfriend since March and has moved him in who has not had a job the whole time he's lived there. He's been in jail though for a little over a month now so he's currently not there. I realize the 14 year old brother and 13 year old sister are not old enough to get jobs, but there's no reason why the 16 year old who will be 17 in November cannot. He's a junior in high school, but he could work in the afternoons after school lets out. All that being said, at least 3 other people that live there are capable of getting a job.

They basically live off of his grandmother's monthly check, my boyfriend's weekly check (which at only $8 an hour isn't much), and foodstamps. I like his mom in general. She's nice, friendly, sweet, etc. What I don't like is how she does my boyfriend. She pretty much uses him. She only calls or texts him when she needs money or a ride somewhere.

When hes not at work, hes with me about 90% of the time. My mom works night shift and the nights that shes off he stays at my house and the nights that she works he stays at his and I stay at mine. Were not married, I live in her house, so its her rules. So the only times hes really at his house is the nights that my mom works. He usually stays at my house as late as 2 AM before going home then comes to my house pretty much first thing in the morning.

His parents are divorced. I have been around his mom a lot and I have only been around his dad a handful of times. His dad has offered for him to move in with him, but told him he would charge him rent. Even if he charged him rent though, I honestly do not think his dad would take money from him like his mom does. His mom does not even talk to his dad, but she claims his dad would charge him $100 a week, which I do not think he would. His dad seems to have a hell of a lot better head on his shoulders than his mom does. His dad actually helps him out. He helped him buy a car and took him to work many times before he got the car. So I honestly do not think his dad would do that to him. Even if he did charge him $100 a week, his mom has taken more than $100 from him some weeks.

Since his moms boyfriend has been in jail she has asked him at least 3 times that I know of for money so he could call her from jail. She claimed her boyfriends mom got her check the next day and he would get the money back. The first time his mom got the money back to give to him, but she spent it before he even got it. The other two times he has not seen a dime of it.

This past Friday she asked him for money again so her boyfriend could call. He gave her $20 and told her he better get it back. He has only been home once since then and as far as I am aware he did not get it back. Later that day, his mom and 16 year old brother were asking if he could give the brother money to go to a football game and when he told them he did not have the money to give to him she blew up on him.

I do not expect him to spend his money on me. I appreciate when he does, but I do not expect him to. I obviously love him for more than his money or I would not still be with him after all this time. His mom was saying stuff about how if he did not have to spend money on me all the time then he would have money to give her.

Um, excuse me? You are in your fucking 40's with 4 kids and do not have a job. It is not his responsibitly to provide for you and everyone else. How the fuck are we supposed to have a life together when he is having to support you and everybody else? The only time he is hardly ever there is on the nights when my mom is working and he has to sleep..why should he pay your fucking bills? He gives you money to buy food, but you do not bother to save anything for him to eat. Why the fuck should he give you money for that? Why should he give you money for your boyfriend to call you from jail or his brother money to go to fucking football game?

I am at a loss! I do not know what to do. I guess he is just so used to being taken advantage of by her that he still continues to give into her.

How are we supposed to have a life together? Yeah, I know I do not have a job right now, but even if I did I do not want everything left up to me because that is not fair to me. I try talking to him about it and he just gets mad because "he hears the same thing over and over again."

Sorry it is so long. If you do take the time to read it, I appreciate it very much. I have a lot more to say about it, but I am just going to end it here due to the length. If you have any questions, just ask and I will answer. I just really need some advice. I do not know what to do. I love him and do not want to leave him. He has said many times he is not going to leave me over his mom. Maybe I can eventually get him to man up and not give into her anymore. I know it is his mom, but that is her son and she should do him the way she does.

tl;dr Boyfriend's mom takes advantage of him. Do not know what to do. Do not know how we are going to have a life together if he does not put a stop to it. Advice please?
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Old 09-11-2012, 08:03 PM   #2
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Re: Boyfriend's mom..

To be brutally honest, family comes first. He probably knows that if he left, he will leave his mom and siblings flapping in the wind. Maybe he doesn't care about his mom, but I'm sure he cares about his siblings. How will they get by on only the grandmothers check? He probably doesn't leave because he doesn't have the heart to. That would be my guess. If he truly loves his family that much, that he can't leave them, then there is really nothing you can do. However, whatever you do, DO NOT give him an ultimatum. Do not say "It's your mom or me" That would be the worst thing to do and while he might choose you he would grow to resent you for having him make that choice. That's just my two cents.
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Old 09-11-2012, 09:40 PM   #3
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Re: Boyfriend's mom..

First off $8 an hour for a first job is actually pretty good, but I do not know how he supports his whole family on that. He must work 30 hours a week, at least!
Family does come first, and his mom seems to be abusing her power over him. He could give his mom an allowance every week instead of just giving her money when she needs it?
If his dad was talking to him about moving in, maybe your boyfriend can see what he can do about getting his siblings to go with him, it may be a stretch but if the father has a better head on his shoulders than the mom does, then the kids may be better off.
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Old 09-11-2012, 11:00 PM   #4
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Re: Boyfriend's mom..

no, $8 for a first job is terrible.
Niko gives some sound advice, and an ultimatum is definitely not what you want to give. Personally, I'd suggest telling your boyfriend to give less and less money. I feel that there's a dependance and an expectation on him from all the family members. Next is to have him encourage his other family members to find a job. What if he got fired for no reason, right? It would leave the entire family in the dark, and while it's a possibility, like you said there's no reason for them not to be working.
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Old 09-12-2012, 12:35 AM   #5
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Re: Boyfriend's mom..

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vercelletto View Post
To be brutally honest, family comes first. He probably knows that if he left, he will leave his mom and siblings flapping in the wind. Maybe he doesn't care about his mom, but I'm sure he cares about his siblings. How will they get by on only the grandmothers check? He probably doesn't leave because he doesn't have the heart to. That would be my guess. If he truly loves his family that much, that he can't leave them, then there is really nothing you can do. However, whatever you do, DO NOT give him an ultimatum. Do not say "It's your mom or me" That would be the worst thing to do and while he might choose you he would grow to resent you for having him make that choice. That's just my two cents.
Thanks for the advice. I understand that family comes first and I have never given him the ultimatum to choose me or his mom. I would never do that. He loves his family, but we've been together a year and a half..what about us? We've talked about getting married and even starting a family in the future. I don't see how that is going to happen though if he's supporting his family. It's not his responsibility.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CocaineCowboy View Post
First off $8 an hour for a first job is actually pretty good, but I do not know how he supports his whole family on that. He must work 30 hours a week, at least!
Family does come first, and his mom seems to be abusing her power over him. He could give his mom an allowance every week instead of just giving her money when she needs it?
If his dad was talking to him about moving in, maybe your boyfriend can see what he can do about getting his siblings to go with him, it may be a stretch but if the father has a better head on his shoulders than the mom does, then the kids may be better off.
Thanks for the advice. He's been working there for 4 years now and he's not even full time. He works close to 40 hours a week though. His dad doesn't believe he is the father of his 16 year old brother so he doesn't claim him. The younger two siblings have a different dad.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Hipster View Post
no, $8 for a first job is terrible.
Niko gives some sound advice, and an ultimatum is definitely not what you want to give. Personally, I'd suggest telling your boyfriend to give less and less money. I feel that there's a dependance and an expectation on him from all the family members. Next is to have him encourage his other family members to find a job. What if he got fired for no reason, right? It would leave the entire family in the dark, and while it's a possibility, like you said there's no reason for them not to be working.
Thanks for the advice. Like I told Vercelleto, I have never given him and ultimatum and never would. I understand how important family is. I agree on the dependance and expectation on him from them. It's definitely there.


Thanks for the advice everyone. I'm just at such a loss. I know it's hard on him, but it's hard on me too. I love him and want to have a future with him, but it's going to be nearly impossible if he's going to be supporting everyone else for the rest of his life.
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