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Old 10-23-2012, 08:30 PM   #1
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Winning Her Back

This might end up a little lengthy, pre-warning. Feel free to skim and pick and choose, but if you can make it through then you're my new best friend.

Let me start off by saying that this isn't my first post here, regardless of what the post count says. I had an account years back, forgot the password, and my ISP deleted my e-mail address. (Just so I don't come off as a non-introducing dick.)

I've been dating Allison for a year and a half now, and it's been great; or, it was. At the beginning of our relationship, it was the happiest I've been in my life. I've known this girl since I was 7, and dated her for a month 4 years ago before making the dumb decision of leaving her for somebody else pressuring me. That pressured relationship lasted right up to 2 years, and was the worst thing ever; I felt it gave me knowledge of what I DID want, though.

At the beginning, Allison and I would make lists of dates to go on, stay outside for an hour saying goodbye. "One more time," was what we'd say. I had actually drove an hour and a half just to buy her macaroons because she went to France and loved that crap.

But, then we started doing sexual things. I feel like as we got more in-depth with sexual stuff, up until about 3 months ago when we actually had sex, my focus turned more and more towards "Let's just get home." It turned from "Let me make this girl happy," which made me happy too, to "Let's just have sex."

Don't get me wrong, the sex and stuff got us closer when it was at the right times. Science is right in that it relieves stress. But I feel like I let it take my teenage libido a bit too far. Recently, I've turned to looking at other girls' butts (a lot) and masturbating to porn. Obviously that has only made the problem worse.

I feel like overall, we've just gotten too comfortable in the relationship and stopped trying for each other. Which is awful. I want to get back to making those lists, long goodbyes, etc. etc. and be happy again. As cliche as it sounds, this girl is not just a regular high school relationship. Parents and all have made their observations that our relationship is much more mature than most. She's literally the most beautiful, smart, nice, etc. girl I've ever met. Like, nobody's ever attracted me as much as her - I've basically silently admired her for 4 years now.

Allison broke up with me 2 days ago, and we had an all-day affair of my trying to talk to her and her just saying "I don't think we're meant for each other." She has told me that she just doesn't feel as close to me, but I told her I think we can fix this. Obviously if a couple doesn't try for too long, yes, feelings would change. But I just feel like they've went dormant; they haven't disappeared.

She has taken to agreeing to "I'll think about it," which I know she really is. She says she's drained at this point and needs some time, and I can understand that. But to me, all of this COULD turn into a good thing should she allow us another chance. I'm just hoping that she'll realize that trying will ALWAYS end up better than just giving up.

I've suggested to her that, should we try again, we just TRY for each other again. I really don't think that's hard at all, because again, we did try before and it was great. We both enjoyed doing stuff for each other. We just lost that effort and got lazy.

I've told her that from her side of things, yes, things may not have seemed like they had changed as much as they really had. But from my side, I can TELL that my focus changed. I can tell how the effort between us changed, and that I want it fixed. The main thing I am working on is keeping sexual thoughts INSIDE the bedroom only, limited to those moments where it's ALL about closeness, not just "sex."

And right now, I'm having an extremely hard time just waiting for an answer from her. I can't believe I let this happen and didn't realize it, but I'm just hoping that she'll make the right decision and at least give it another try. I know there's no hope in us -just- being friends.

So yeah. There's my elongated story. (I don't really think there's a way to accurately condense it.)

I'm just looking for opinions, suggestions, anything on anything. What are other people's thoughts?

Last edited by Bitani; 10-23-2012 at 08:39 PM..
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Old 10-23-2012, 09:10 PM   #2
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Re: Winning Her Back

Honestly, if she doesn't want to be with you again, there's nothing you can really do to change that. You'll just have to see what she decides.
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Old 10-23-2012, 09:32 PM   #3
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Re: Winning Her Back

You must understand that things have changed for the emotions of the relationship to appear 'dormant' and this may mean that her feelings for you are also draining away.

For her to be 'thinking about it' must mean that there is still something there between the two of you for you to work for, but you must work for it in order to gain anything better out of it.

That doesn't mean stop having sex or anything like that to prove that you aren't only thinking of that, but do things which cannot be related to sexual feelings in any way unless initiated by her.

But all I can suggest is waiting for an answer and then working from there.
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Old 10-24-2012, 01:35 AM   #4
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Re: Winning Her Back

Believe me guys, I'm not trying to say there must be some way to MAKE her decide to try. I'm just asking about suggestions for IF she does. (And possibly some help on how to not worry about it so much, if that's even possible.)

But thank you for the replies.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shortages View Post
You must understand that things have changed for the emotions of the relationship to appear 'dormant' and this may mean that her feelings for you are also draining away.

For her to be 'thinking about it' must mean that there is still something there between the two of you for you to work for, but you must work for it in order to gain anything better out of it.

That doesn't mean stop having sex or anything like that to prove that you aren't only thinking of that, but do things which cannot be related to sexual feelings in any way unless initiated by her.

But all I can suggest is waiting for an answer and then working from there.
I know things have changed, mostly on my side. Again, she doesn't quite see it like I do because, yes she's gotten SLIGHTLY lazier (probably due to my own laziness), but I can see what happened from me VERY clearly; I got MUCH lazier.

That's basically what I'm planning on doing, though. Focusing on stuff like we used to do, because we got so much joy out of it, and leaving sexual thoughts solely to the bedroom. I really WANT to do stuff for her again - I got so much more out of it.

Thanks, Shortages.

I have a question for anybody that made it this far, though: Has anybody had an experience similar, to where they basically just got lazy and then went back and fixed it? (Might edit the first post to ask this)
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Old 10-24-2012, 10:40 AM   #5
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Re: Winning Her Back

I think your stressing to much on her decision. If she hasn't answered your question than I think you should do what you normally would do if you were single. From what I read it seems like your whole life revolved around her, maybe you should stop finding things in your relationship thats wrong and take a look at yourself first.
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Old 10-24-2012, 01:07 PM   #6
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Re: Winning Her Back

You can't force her to love you, its her decision. If she decides to move on, you should to.
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Old 10-24-2012, 03:26 PM   #7
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Re: Winning Her Back

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bitani View Post
Believe me guys, I'm not trying to say there must be some way to MAKE her decide to try. I'm just asking about suggestions for IF she does. (And possibly some help on how to not worry about it so much, if that's even possible.)

But thank you for the replies.



I know things have changed, mostly on my side. Again, she doesn't quite see it like I do because, yes she's gotten SLIGHTLY lazier (probably due to my own laziness), but I can see what happened from me VERY clearly; I got MUCH lazier.

That's basically what I'm planning on doing, though. Focusing on stuff like we used to do, because we got so much joy out of it, and leaving sexual thoughts solely to the bedroom. I really WANT to do stuff for her again - I got so much more out of it.

Thanks, Shortages.

I have a question for anybody that made it this far, though: Has anybody had an experience similar, to where they basically just got lazy and then went back and fixed it? (Might edit the first post to ask this)
One of my exes became extremely lazy, and then began lying to me etc. etc.
I put up with him for much longer than I should have, but in the end just threw him. If he was not willing to put in the effort that I was, he didn't deserve me. He tried repeatedly to get me back but I'd had enough.

As long as you haven't got to that stage, I still think you have a chance. But as others have said, it is her decision too.
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Old 10-24-2012, 06:24 PM   #8
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Re: Winning Her Back

Just wait for an answer dude, then go from there. If she gives you a second chance, then you better bust your butt to work it out. Good luck buddy.
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