why shouldn't i kill myself???(super long)

lilperuvianboy · 07-02-2008, 01:48 PM

Hello there,my name is alex im 16 and going to be a jr in the high school pleasure to meet all of you.Im alex.. and i have a problem which i will post on the following, right now i feel like stabbing my heart out for all the pain im feeling right now.This has happended over the course of 2 years (since highschool started go figure).

my jr.highschool years were pretty average i never had any trouble i was very geeky and very short and wimpy.During highschool i grew up enjoyed better things and started to enjoy the company of girls and so.. my first gf happended.She was homeschooled because of alot of diseases and problems, she wasn't that pretty but she was my first and my first sexual experience i ever had in my life.She was my first everything, my first kiss,my first time,my first fight,and my first broken heart.Everything was ok until i introduced her to my bestfriend..now looking back at it they were really perfect and so time went on few months happended and we had alot of fights looking back at it i was just with her for lust and nothing more.I was very attached to her because it was my first time and i wasn't mature enough to figure it out.They were always together and always talking and in my mind i knew she was cheating on me and it got me depressed one day i found them together not even kissing or nothing but just together without my knowledge and i got jellous extremely jellous i knew it was clear she was cheating on me with him and they lied to me alot about their feelings and where they were.She convinced me that nothing was happening and that i was just being paranoid which i wasn't and i just lied to myself which made my depression alot worse. Yeah it was bad soon we broke up and she went out with him.

This girl i knew liked me and helped me alot through it and helped me cope with it ;one day we were together and i was so sad, i let my emotions take over and ended up doing stuff .My previous girl was very jellous that i was getting my life back together and started talking ***** that wasn't true, good thing she didn't listen to it and we were happy together for a long time.We were happy together and we lasted for a long time.We had a few problems i was still very attached and didn't give her the space she needed.She was also very bipolar so one day i flipped out on her for being a **** for no real reason. She wouldn't help herself or take the medicine that she was required to take so it was very irritating going out with someone with a problem and having them never help themselves.So we broke up and i was pretty sad but i was ok i learned to live with it and this is where i made a promise i decided to live my life.

1.My next gf had to be perfect and i would have to love her and last with her for a long time.
2.I would never EVER cry again for a girl that wasn't perfect

So a year went by and i met some pretty nice girls, i did have my fun i did have casual sex with a few and i did kiss them regulary but i never went out.We were never official i keeped true to my promise and i never cried.For a whole year i was cold and uncaring toward other people.This is the year where my life started going down hill, i started drinking and doing drugs regulary with people i never met in my life.So i met a drinking buddy that i was real kool with, one day i made a bet with him that i could get my first gf to break up with her current bf (my ex-bestfriend).So i did and i met her, i was cold with her but she was a nice person to talk to she said she was sorry she cheated on me and she was sorry for trying to break up me and my second.We did kiss but we never had sex and i did enjoy her company but in the back of my head i thought to myself... (i know shes going to **** me over.. i JUST KNOW IT). So she got a bf and we both stopped talking and seeing each other so much. I moved on with my life and occationaly we chatted.She got real close to my drinking buddy i had and his such a loser (the type of guy that has never seen a girl naked beside his mom) that he'd do anything she asked.One day i didn't do anything to her and she told him i was talking **** about him and like the idiot he is he beliaved her, IMO i think it was because he thought that if he said anything she wanted she'd go out with him... people can be so sad..

So i hear he wanted to fight me so one day he jumped me in school later he came to my house picking for a fight.1 on 1 he said and when i was beating his *** his friend jumped in.Later after he scheduled up another fight i got some of my friends and we beat the hell outa his friend.That was that.. all because of that one girl that likes to make my life a hell when i don't cooperate with her.

Later i met this other girl who i thought was nice and we ended up making out and getting really close.I thought she was the one that i was looking for but the more time i spend with her i noticed her flaws more and more.Like most good things in my life my first gf tried to take it away from me , she started talking about me and me and the girl ended up drifting apart.I was very sad but i moved on with my sad life.Fighting , drinking , smoking, those things were the things i did and the only things i cared for.I fell into depression that only those 3 things made it go away, i knew it was wrong but i didn't have anything to push me into doing it.My parents were clueless as to what i did and where i was and i had noone really close to talk to and that was my life.I thought about killing myself regulary since i didn't have a purpose in life but i never did it..

Until i met her... she was the most perfect girl i've ever met in my entire life.I started talking to her for hours that seemed minutes, she was so perfect kinda irrational toward her feelings but i loved her eather way.I wanted to be with her and noone was going to stop me.She had alot of guys going for her butshe said she cared about me.I finally had a purpose in life to be with her she was my purpose she became so important and so special to me i stopped drinking and doing drugs i stopped fighting and my life was looking good with her as the foundation of all my happiness and joy, i couldn't go a day without talking to her.I started falling in love...and i told her that... i told her i loved her and how much she meant to me and she told me she loved me too.. but she couldn't have a bf right now. she had a friend that was really close to her and they were always together but he never seemed to make a move and she always told me how she loved him but she always put her hopes up....So i broke my second promise.. i cried.. first time in a year i cried.He always gave her hints just to say he loved her like a sister.2 days ago i went to her house.. and we ended up making out it was.. really the happiest moment of my life... i couldn't be any happier she was finally mine and i loved her with all my heart.So today she told me that when she was with him.. they ended up kissing..and telling each other how much they loved each other and how much they wanted each other...she told me she was sorry and that she loved me 2 but the feelings she had for him were so wonderful and so amazing... i've NEVER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE HAVE I FELT SO BAD... for a while i cried like i never cried before and i told her that if she was happy with him then i was happy too... because i loved her so much i wanted her to be the happiest girl even if she wasn't with me.The truth is... i felt so bad she was telling me how wonderful and how happy she was and i couldn't stop crying.. finally i felt stronger and told her to be with him and to be happy with him i put on a fake smile and let her go. IDK what to do anymore... do i go back to the life i had? that empty alone life where the only things that keeped me going were alcohol and drugs? what do i do? how can i see them together and smile? idk what to do anymore... when school starts up again its going to be hell for me again fights fights arguments.. suspension and trouble.. what can i do... i never ever felt this bad in my life... i know she cares about me... but i can't tell her not to go out with him.... i cant prevent her from being happy.. i dont have the heart.. i just wanna die and sleep forever... because only in my dreams is she with me.....

mikaileo · 07-02-2008, 02:27 PM

....well I cant say i relate dude but think of it like this.....she is 1 our of how many girls on this planet you can end your life now but what will that solve. Is that how you want to be remembered? Is that how you want to go out someone who killed themself over a girl who obviously couldnt see what a good thing she had?

dokueki · 07-03-2008, 01:44 AM

I concur. You don't go back to life of trying to avoid depression; you can go back to your life without being depressed and still without that girl. Like mikaileo said, there are endless other girls you can find, and at least a good number of them could still be perfect for you. Go and experience everything you can, you're 16! You're young! Too young to die because of girls. They will come and go, and from what you said, there will be a lot of them for you as well. Check your options, you'll see that all is not lost, because of one girl you fit well with. Really! Plenty of fish in the sea :]