I think I'm clinically depressed as well as obsessed (obsessive compulsive disorder). Well, my parents have started taking me to therapy and the therapist told me that I'm clinically depressed. She said there are two types of depression: the type you are born with, and the type you develop. I'm the second type. It happened around the time I started middle school, which for me was starting the sixth grade. My parents moved us from my childhood home, away from a beautiful neighborhood where my friends lived all around me, to a cramped rental home that we occupied for a year; my father had just had a terrible car wreck that had broken his neck and back and he'd been on a ventilator in the ICU; I'd just discovered that my" friends" from elemenatary school had spent my entire life hating me and of course, I should have known by the way they'd treated me, so I entered middle school with no friends. My mother was stressed and because I had no friends and no mother who cared, I had no one to spend time with. I literally spent every weekend for those three years of my life (the three years of middle school) at home. At school, girls bullied me because they realized they could now. In elementary school and the beginning of sixth grade, I was a loud, outgoing, fun girl with personality. Slowly, that faded away and I became bland, like paper. There were days during school where I would walk through the motions of my entire day and not open my mouth once to speak. I was invisible. I was nothingness. I came home everyday in tears. I sobbed myself to sleep most nights. My dad was starting a new job that paid MUCH less, and my older brother (who I used to be so, so close to) stopped speaking to me. He even told me, "Don't ever talk to me again." And so I never did. To this day (I'm 17 now), we have not had a serious conversation since.
Additionally, I always get obsessed with certain things and never let them go. No one ever sees my obsession but my parents, who want me to take medication. I feel so lost. I can't be outgoing because I'm constantly afraid of what others will think of me, and then after the day is over, I obsess over how those people think I'm weird because I didn't act outgoing. I obsess in my head how to be outgoing but when the day starts, I become too afraid to do anything because I don't want people to say, "She's weird" and gossip behind my back. But of course, they probably do anyway, because I DO act weird by not being talkative. I mean, I talk, but barely. I just never think of anything interesting to say because my life is basically nothing. I don't have a social life because, as I said before, I'm as interesting a piece of paper. I want so desperately to be that little girl again, to have her personality. I want to be the little girl I was, but as an older girl, who can laugh out loud and dance in the rain and be outgoing and do the things I should be doing: going to clubs and trying a beer and making mistakes in love. I'm also awkward around guys because in middle school, I became traumatized by them. One guy in particular spit wads of paper at me in lunch and when I bawled right then and there, they all branded me an undateable loser for life.
I got away from those kids in middle school by going to a separate high school from them in a different county of the state so I could meet new people. And I did. I started over. I made three new friends...and that is all. Three friends. We hung out almost every weekend, me and one of each. None of the three friends got along with the other because they were each from different cliques. My guess now is that I was so bland, I could be friends with any one of them. Eventually, I drifted apart from each of them. I'd had two years (beginning years of high school) of happiness, but its as if that sadness had been in the background, simmering and waiting to take over again, because I stopped spending time with them and went back to sleeping in on the weekends until four in the afternoon and not dressing or showering and playing computer games or reading books instead of hanging out with real people.
I don't want to take pills for the rest of my life to be happy. I just want to be happy and outgoing and stop worrying and obsessing over the uncontrollable. But it feels like no matter what I do, people think I'm weird and I'll never be okay. Like my mother always tells me, "You will never be happy. Nothing will ever make you happy."
Additionally, I always get obsessed with certain things and never let them go. No one ever sees my obsession but my parents, who want me to take medication. I feel so lost. I can't be outgoing because I'm constantly afraid of what others will think of me, and then after the day is over, I obsess over how those people think I'm weird because I didn't act outgoing. I obsess in my head how to be outgoing but when the day starts, I become too afraid to do anything because I don't want people to say, "She's weird" and gossip behind my back. But of course, they probably do anyway, because I DO act weird by not being talkative. I mean, I talk, but barely. I just never think of anything interesting to say because my life is basically nothing. I don't have a social life because, as I said before, I'm as interesting a piece of paper. I want so desperately to be that little girl again, to have her personality. I want to be the little girl I was, but as an older girl, who can laugh out loud and dance in the rain and be outgoing and do the things I should be doing: going to clubs and trying a beer and making mistakes in love. I'm also awkward around guys because in middle school, I became traumatized by them. One guy in particular spit wads of paper at me in lunch and when I bawled right then and there, they all branded me an undateable loser for life.
I got away from those kids in middle school by going to a separate high school from them in a different county of the state so I could meet new people. And I did. I started over. I made three new friends...and that is all. Three friends. We hung out almost every weekend, me and one of each. None of the three friends got along with the other because they were each from different cliques. My guess now is that I was so bland, I could be friends with any one of them. Eventually, I drifted apart from each of them. I'd had two years (beginning years of high school) of happiness, but its as if that sadness had been in the background, simmering and waiting to take over again, because I stopped spending time with them and went back to sleeping in on the weekends until four in the afternoon and not dressing or showering and playing computer games or reading books instead of hanging out with real people.
I don't want to take pills for the rest of my life to be happy. I just want to be happy and outgoing and stop worrying and obsessing over the uncontrollable. But it feels like no matter what I do, people think I'm weird and I'll never be okay. Like my mother always tells me, "You will never be happy. Nothing will ever make you happy."