So...who wants to help me out?

    • So...who wants to help me out?

      Kind of a long story. It sorta sounds like a narrative because of the way I wrote it. If it sounds cheesy, I’m sorry, but I’m just being honest about how I feel. Ok, here it goes…

      As a new incoming freshman in college, I am looking to start anew. My high school life wasn’t as great as I hoped it would be. I felt like I had to conform to my surroundings and force myself to be someone I really wasn’t because I was either criticized or made fun of whenever I acted myself. On top of that, it was an all-boys school. So my interactions with women were somewhat hindered. But one activity kept me going during high school: rugby, a sport I had played for all four years. Sure, I wasn’t the greatest player out there. I wasn’t the fastest, nor the strongest. But it just felt so awesome to play a true team game and to smother someone into the ground or execute a perfect play into the try zone. It was really the first sport I had actually felt comfortable playing. I couldn’t get enough of the game and I knew for sure that I wanted to play professionally one day.

      But then comes senior year. The first game of the season comes and I end up spraining my AC joint just before time expires. I’m forced to sit out for three weeks. The game I returned in, I receive a blow to the head that gave me a concussion and forced me to sit out another three weeks. After that I play for about another month, coming off the bench with a total lack of confidence and strength compared to my teammates who had been getting better after each game. 2 games before the playoffs, I partially tear my MCL, ending my season and giving me a good amount of pain that I can still somewhat feel even to this day. The perfect senior season I had envisioned ever since I was a freshman became a total nightmare.

      Summer arrives, and my eyes are set on playing rugby in college. I train constantly, working my @$$ off every single day, trying to get faster and stronger. I had reached a physical fitness level that I had never been at before, and it felt amazing. I was ready to take on anything that came my way.

      But then comes a life-changing moment, or rather, period of time. I had taken a 3-week vacation to my parents’ homeland, The Philippines, in July. At first, this trip just seemed like a nice little vacation. But after I experienced the culture and met family members that I had never known before, I became instantly hooked. I feel like I have been missing out on my own culture throughout my whole life. The trip helped me figure out who I really am. I AM A FILIPINO! And I should be more proud of it than I have ever been before. I want to catch up with what I had been missing out on all along. I want to learn my language, participate in more cultural activities, make more Filipino friends (well, more Asian friends in general), and just take the steps needed in order to be the person I think that I really am deep down inside.

      But wait, I’m still a rugby player too. Most of my friends play rugby and all of them plan to continue playing in college. I still enjoy the game, and I just have to play, or else I would be “left out”.

      Well, why can’t I achieve both?

      Well, I feel like I have two paths to choose. My first path would be to give up the sport that I am slowly starting to grow apart from. I would have to give up the friends I had in high school and find people that I would feel 100% comfortable hanging out with, which is probably easier said than done since I’ve been hanging out with these guys for quite a while, some for practically my whole life. I want to join my school’s Multicultural Alliance, specifically the Asian Student Alliance. I plan to major in Hotel & Restaurant Management. So I want to gain experience in that field by working in a restaurant through college and maybe even study abroad somewhere in Asia. I want to become fluent in my family’s language and become more close to them. Basically, I want to just enjoy life and not have to dread anymore than a midterm exam during college. Every time I play this scenario in my head, it seems perfect for me…until I run into someone who plays on the rugby team or pass by an occurring game or practice as I wander around campus and think to myself, “Damn, I really miss this game” or “I wish I had a second chance to redeem my horrible senior year.”

      The second path is quite simple: play rugby. Dedicate most of my time and effort to my first love. Enjoy the company of my teammates as best as I can (whether I feel comfortable with them or not) and feel much obliged to hang out with them as much as possible because...they're my teammates. Keep the rugby-loving friends from high school I still somewhat enjoy hanging around with, even though I know that I could find better people to hang out with. Fulfill my competitive nature’s desires but risk not only serious injury or harm to my body as an undersized player, but quite possibly not being able to truly become one with my culture as well. Participate in something I really don’t see any future in, but something I just can’t get enough of and probably will never get enough of if I keep playing. I mean, I’ll only have practices 2 days a week with a game on the weekends. I would probably have to spend my days off working out and whatnot, but I guess I need to get stronger anyway. Why give up? I haven’t proved myself yet. I know I can be a better rugby player, I just know it!

      Or maybe I can’t. I’ll probably end up getting injured a bunch of times again or I’ll just be disappointed that I didn’t meet my expectations of one day becoming an awesome rugby player. So why not give up and be mature enough to leave the past, no matter how much I’m reminded of it, and just move on?

      Or maybe I can.

      I wish I had a time machine, or a superpower that would let me look into the future. That would be nice.

      Thoughts? Advice? Anyone?
    • Re: So...who wants to help me out?

      Sure thats great, give up before you fail....couldnt agree more.....

      It will haunt you for the rest of your life, what if......

      I would stay and play, if it doesnt work out, you can always go to your homeland and do what you like.

      However i cant understand why you cannot be more phillipine at home...doest the western world inhibit you from being yourself?
    • Re: So...who wants to help me out?

      Milanist wrote:

      Sure thats great, give up before you fail....couldnt agree more.....

      It will haunt you for the rest of your life, what if......

      I would stay and play, if it doesnt work out, you can always go to your homeland and do what you like.

      However i cant understand why you cannot be more phillipine at home...doest the western world inhibit you from being yourself?

      I didn't mean for it to sound like being in America is holding me back or that I really want to get out of here. I was born here. The US is my homeland and I'm proud of it. The great thing about this country is that it's a melting pot. So as much as I would love to go back to the Philippines one day, I don't need to live there to find my culture. There's a ton of Filipinos around here, it's just a matter of finding them and making friends with them. I just feel like in order to fully understand a culture, you have to fully immerse yourself in it as much as you can. And I'm just afraid of not getting that chance if my focus is on rugby. Thanks for your input.

      The post was edited 1 time, last by jmonkey02 ().