(Ex) Best friends?

    • (Ex) Best friends?

      I had a best friend, and we did everything together. We saw each other at least a few times a week. Every weekend, all weekend we'd hang out with each other and our group of friends.

      We told each other everything, even things we've never told anyone before. We were like sisters, and we told each other that.

      She's an only child, and has always has been the quiet, insecure type. I'm loud and I'm confident most of the time, but I can be obnoxious and annoying. So at first, we seemed to even each other out.

      But here comes the uh-oh: The boyfriend. I talked her into dating him because she liked him, but she was scared to date him. So I started texting him to get to know him, but she didn't like that. We weren't allowed to text. So I told her that he got on my nerves to quiet her down. She was secretly angry about that for months. Now I talk to him again, and if she catches us texting, he gets yelled at.

      I took her on a cruise, and my family paid for most of it. Then comes my birthday, she didn't get me anything because she was busy with her boyfriend the weekend prior. She took me to the beach for her birthday for a week, literally all she did was text him or talk about him, so I hung out with her family most of the time. Took her on a mission trip and a camping trip, and basically the whole time she missed him and talked to him on the phone.

      So here's the deal, now she sees him everyday at school, he comes over everyday after school, and they always spend the weekend together. I hardly see her (by her choice) anymore. I haven't been to her house in MONTHS. Since I was practically like family, this hurts.

      To top it all off, four of my closest friends have left for college this year, and I'm left on the weekends with nothing to do because all my friends are too busy for me or at college. And I don't even like my best friend anymore. All she talks about is herself or her boyfriend. I'm trying to avoid her, but I see her all the time because of rehearsal. I hate spending time with her there, because I know she's only spending that time with me beacuse she has to.

      Her boyfriend's birthday is in two months, and she's obsessing over throwing him a surprise party and ordering him all these presents online.

      I may be complaining, but things have been tough at home lately, and I get very angry or cry over everything everyday now. I don't know what to do. I've talked to her about it, and she treats me like I'm getting angry at her for no reason and being a horrible friend.

      Help! I'm in a rut. What next?

    • Re: (Ex) Best friends?

      Well, to start with, I'm going to make a SWAG here (scientific wild-assed guess). She feels inferior to you and insecure when you are around. She's quiet and an only child, and you are much more outgoing than she is. It might not be a conscious thought in her head, but I bet that the reason she has such a problem with you and her boyfriend texting each other is because she has the constant fear that he will start liking you better unless she's around. She sees the two of you as being friends of convenience, that are only around each other because of your mutual connection (her). The idea of the two of you being friends independent of her probably worries her and makes her a bit jealous.

      But regardless, the situation comes down more to a question of what you want rather than how to change her behavior. Sooner or later the emotional high that she's on with this guy will diminish a little, and she will start having time for you again. The question is do you want to continue this relationship. I'm sure that you you would like things to go back to the way they were before her boyfriend is around, but that's a little unrealistic. Even if it was, I would like to offer that what's going on with her isn't caused by her having a boyfriend, but rather her boyfriend is a symptom of what's going on with her.

      As much as it sucks, people change. She's been your friend for a good long time, it sounds like. I had plenty of friends growing up that I was absolutely convinced we would be friends forever. What happened to most of them? Who knows. All but a couple have fallen by the wayside just because as we grew, we changed. They went their ways, I went mine. It's the same thing with your friend. It's sad, but maybe she's just moving in a different direction from you. You just need to decide whether or not that direction still leaves room for your friendship.

    • Re: (Ex) Best friends?

      First, you need to be happy for your friend, at least in regard to her relationship. While I agree that she has been neglecting you, appreciate the fact that she is happy with this boy. So many people have unhealthy relationships, so it's great that she and him are getting along well.

      However, instead of avoiding her, talk to her if your friendship means anything to you. Avoiding people does not help build stronger ties, which is what you want to do or you would not be posting here.

      This happened with my girlfriend and me several months ago. She had her best friend, but gradually spent more and more of her time with me, so her best friend was extremely jealous and hurt. I cared about her friendship with her best friend, so we all agreed to try to see each other evenly.

      So try to voice your feelings to your friend and see if she understands. I'm sure she still cares about you, but she is blinded by her feelings for this boy and doesn't want to be away from him. Try to work out something with her so you can spend some more time with her away from her boyfriend. Her boyfriend should understand if he cares about her friends...

      If she doesn't want to fix the problem and split up the time with the both of you, you could try talking to her boyfriend, but that's a sketchy slope as she might get angry with you. In the end, if she still casts away your feelings and what you want, then it's her loss because you seem like a great friend to her. If she doesn't appreciate that, she doesn't deserve your company.
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    • Re: (Ex) Best friends?

      Thank you, Jenna. That was very helpful, and a way I haven't looked at it before. I'm probably guessing it's time to move on.

      P.S. Loving the angelpuss!

      Thanks to you too, Patrick. For starters, you're probably right. From day one I had trouble being happy for them haha. Her boyfriend's actually being more helpful than she is. Thank you very much for the advice! :)

      I actually feel a lot more secure about this now. Thank ya, guys.