I'm done....

    • I'm done....

      I somewhat dont even know where to begin....
      Over the past few years I have been stuggleing with depression and with low self estem issues. I go to a small school, where everyone knows eachother and everybody always knows whats going on. and due to that, I have always felt the need to fit in...and I am terrifidy that I will be rejected and outcasted by everyone. More importantly because we live in such a small town...everyone is extremly rasict, and hate gays, lesbians, and bisexual people. It hurts a lot, now knowing I can not come out and tell people "Oh hey I like both men and women"...I would be ridiculed and probaly be beaten up by a few people at my school.
      I also cut myself, a lot, and lately I have been wanting to just drag the razor blade so deep into my skin that I bleed to death...I cant take it anymore.
      I feel outcasted by my fellow peers, and I already am being made fun of because i cut myself...everyone calls me "emo"... but really wtf does that even mean !?
      I'm just tried of waking up and going to a place where I try to fit in, but clearly I do not, and it hurts not having someone close to be able to tell these things too.
      I cant even tell my own mother, if I did I would break her heart, and destroy her. If I told her that I am Bi, she wouldnt look at me the same ever again... neither would my dad...
      I'm scared of that happening, cause all I have is my mom and my dad, and if I lose anymore people I'll break down and end up sliting my neck cause I am really unhappy.
      I feel so alone and scared, yet I cant tell anyone.
      Cause im attracted to woman, and men....I will never be able to fit in at my school...and I will never be able to fit in even at my own home.
      I really have no true friends....they all ditched me for some bitch with huge tits...yes, they are huge, unnatural for a 16 year old girl....they are all to busy trying to get laid and drunk out of thier f-ing minds to realise that I am not there, I am at home, probaly sliting my wrists, cause thats what "emo" kids do.
      I really did not ask for this....I really did not...because of the kids at my school I now fear of going out to places. I fear people now, because of all my insecureities, and low self estem. I stay locked away, with no one but myself and my mind...which leads to thoughts of suicide a lot... Because of all those f-ing bitches and bastards, I am more broken then I already was...I cant even go outside that much anymore. all because people terify me...

      I am thinking of just staying in my room, staying safe and to keep from getting my heart ripped out of my chest... I'm just tired of it all....i really am...

      I really want to just f-ing end it all....right now.
    • Re: I'm done....

      Please don't kill yourself. It may seem like an easy way out of your problems, but really look at who you'll hurt? You already don't want to hurt your mom. Don't you think this would hurt her even more than telling her you're bi, or you cut yourself?
      I really think you should tell your mom about what's going on. Even though you know it'll hurt her. No one ever said the truth doesn't hurt, right?

      I used to be really distant from my parents, and some how when I was being down so much, my mom and I just got closer. I know every story is different, but you gotta try. Your mom might look at you different, she will always love you though, and she'll probably get over it in time.

      I don't know what to say about your friends. You definitely deserve better ones. As of how you'll find nicer friends? I don't know? Don't try to always fit in though. Being different is good. Just be yourself and don't worry what other people think. I know that's easier said than done, but at least you'll find friends who will love you for who you are.

      I don't get to see my friends very often. Maybe once every 3-4 months. I spend my days with my mom. :/ So, I know what it's like to feel alone.

      Stay strong, and please stop cutting, and harming yourself. :(
      I really hope things get easier for you, and you meet some great friends who will support you.
      Things will get easier in time. Everyone has their own bumpy roads.
      [COLOR="Blue"][CENTER]extremesporters.com Check it out![/CENTER][/COLOR]

      The post was edited 2 times, last by Skatergirl ().

    • Re: I'm done....

      Wow. I'm going through all the same things pretty much. So I know how you feel. It all sucks.. I know.
      I suffer with depression and probably a few other mental illnesses, I'm either bi or gay, I literally have no real friends except 3 people I talk to sometimes (probably only 2 now), and my mom is the only person I feel close to (she's the only thing keeping me alive at this point).

      This world that you know right now is not the world that you have to live in for the rest of your life. When you're older you have the choice to leave and find a place where people accept you. A place where you feel comfortable. I know it may not seem like it now because all you've ever known (I assume) is what you've grown up around in that small town, but there are places out there where you can find solace and people who are not total arseholes.

      I don't know what else to say to you, except the now common expression "it gets better". I'm available if you ever feel like venting or just talking about whatever. I spend a lot of my time alone, so yea.. like I said, I'm available. We can talk about whatever or you can just vent.

      Please.. please don't hurt yourself anymore. It breaks my heart to know you're cutting and want to kill yourself. I have experience with both, but it's just.. it's so sad knowing there's someone else out there like me who is doing and thinking that stuff.
      [CENTER][SIGPIC][/SIGPIC][/CENTER][COLOR="Indigo"][CENTER]Block out all your demons with
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    • Re: I'm done....

      for one thing, do you want to tell your parents? If yes, then why? How do you think they would take it? What would help you so so much, is to get a support system. Perhaps someone close who you trust and would listen to you. A teacher, a school counselor? Also, since you deal with low self esteem... know that you deserve good friends. If they are not supportive of who you are, then you need to search for new friends. Because why would you want to be with people who do not accept who you are and dump you for someone else? There are many simple ways to make friends like smiling. Small talk, and confidence, and believe you can and you are half way there. A quote from Theodore Roosevelt. pm me if you have any other concerns or questions
      Have any other concerns or just want to talk? Go ahead. Pm me.
    • Re: I'm done....

      First of all I'm sorry that you're going through this. I'm sure it's tough, but remember youre strong. Everyday you get stronger. Even If it feels like the worst day even and that you want to cut you're strong. And I'm sorry that you don't feel like you don't fit in but I mean you need to try even if it scares you because that's the way itcan become better. I know you feel like your parents wouldnt look at you the same but don't you think it'd lift a huge weight off your shoulders?
    • Re: I'm done....

      Yepp i went through the same thing.... TRUST ME you have to tell your parents!!! They love you and WILL help you. I was cutting myself and never wanted to tell my mom because I was afraid at what she might think of me as... a freak. But a friend of mine told her herself and my mom confronted me and asked about it and she got help for me. Medication, a psychologist, and she even changed the environment I had been in. Your parents love you, you are their child, being bi wont change the love the have for you and certainty cutting won't effect that either. And if its possibly you may want to have a serious conversation with your parents about maybe moving away? It sounds ridiculous but once you mention suicide to your parents, they will do anything for you. trust me....

      If you have anymore problem and need someone to talk to, please message me or send me an email. I'm am very concerned in your well being and want to make sure your going to be out. I want to help you. I had thoughts of suicide too, but I realized how much pain I would put the ones I loved in. So please don't do anything rash... I want to get to know you more. You can call me a friend (((HUG)))
      "You don't have to control your thoughts; you just have to stop letting them control you."[SIZE=1]

      [/SIZE]"It is never too late to be what you might have been."
    • Re: I'm done....

      thank you, to all of you, who had taken the time to read this, and write comments.
      I didn't really think that many people would respond... it made me feel a bit happy,
      so I thank you...and well, I still haven't thought about telling my parents...its hard to tell them something so...life changing?....anyways, I still have a long way of thinking things though, and decideing on whether I should come out or not... I mean, since my home town is so racsits, and out spoken about gays and lesbians, it is hard to find someone who will understand....My church would never forgive me for my so called "sins".... But I do feel a bit better knowing that people do take the time to care, and to share there advice to me. It made me smile, and tear up a bit as well, im not gonna lie about that. But like i said, if I do make the choice to come out and tell people that I am Bi, I will be pushed down and ridiculed for the rest of my highschool life...Which is something I am not sure I will be able to handle...but for now, I do think I need to tell someone, other than my parents, I am unsure what they would think of me after that....but I will try my best.

      But yes, my parents know I cut myself...I forgot to make that clear in the post, and I had to spend time in the hospital for a month of my summer due to it and....other things I shouldnt say, it hurts to think anout it really....

      But I am really thankfull for all who gave me advice, and couragement. Thank you so much
      [SIZE=2]-Feeling low on self esteem, and energy. I'm a starving animal when it comes to things like these-[/SIZE]