Heya--

Quick background: I'm 23, have been suicidal, cutting since 12. Standard depression, anxiety, OCD, etc etc. I cut myself hundreds of times from age 12-18. Since then I've cut myself 2 or 3 times only.

You are SO right when you liken it to an addiction. It is. Anything that quickly and effectively lets you temporarily escape from your problems is an addiction. Cutting isn't the only one I had. Sometimes it was alcohol, sometimes drugs, sometimes being promiscuous. But I'm pretty sure cutting was the hardest to quit.

Why? I think because it works, right? It does release the pain; but as with any addiction, it does nothing in the long term. So you keep doing it more and more, like you said, everything becoming a cuttable situation. I cut for many reasons. Mad at my mom, depressed over relationships, disappointment with myself, just general pain and crippling depression.

I think one of the keys is realizing that quitting isn't a one time thing. Like I said, I've cut a few times since I "quit" 5 years ago. That doesn't mean I failed. You accept it and move on. Do I regret it? Heck yeah. But it's done, the important thing is remembering how shitty it feels so I won't do it again. You should feel no guilt at your depression. None. It's an illness, cutting is an addiction, it's not a personal flaw.

As for practical advice, things to try instead, here are a few I've heard: put a tight rubber band on your wrist and snap it, go for a painful workout, frantically draw, write depressing poetry, beat the shit out of a pillow, scream your head off, just LET IT OUT! That's the key. Not cutting doesn't mean not releasing the pain. Doesn't mean trying to calm yourself down and be level-headed all the time. You're human! It's just releasing it in a way that won't scar you. And once you're successful a few times, you'll be so damn proud of yourself that you'll wanna keep succeeding.

And here, briefly, is something about high school that you've probably heard before but I assure you is true. I never believed it, EVER, but if I can change anyone can. I was at rock bottom, trust me. I remember it like it was yesterday. High school is the shittiest time of your life, I can almost guarantee that. It seems like it means everything at the time, but I'm five years out...I barely remember the names of people I thought were prettier, more popular, cooler than me. That doesn't mean your pain is invalid, of course not. It's so so hard. But I am so pessimistic, so cynical, and even I can admit that your brain changes phenomenally when you hit your 20s.

I am nothing special. If I can change, so can you. The fact that you wrote this post means you're already better than I was; you know you have an issue and you're looking for help. Maybe I won't be the one to help, but who knows? Good for you for reaching out, keep doing it. I don't know if it helps knowing you're not alone but please please know that you're not. Feel free to message me anytime, this is only a few paragraphs of what I could tell you!

from what i've learned, heres the deal... you can't quit. why? you're not cutting for the sake of cutting, you're cutting because theres an issue. (sort of messed up comparision but we'll see if it works) think of it like this. you can't breathe and not produce CO2 at the same time. why? because CO2 is the outcome of the process of breathing. similarly, cutting is the outcome of the process of some sort of trouble you're facing in your life. get rid of the issue and you get rid of your SI habit. i've been cutting minorly for a while now (used to be almost a daily thing, then went to weekly, then once or twice every week or two, then eventually once or twice a month, sometimes just for the hell of it, just to remember the good ol' time i hated so much, and how badly i want them back). well just yesterday, got in a HUGE (and i mean H U G E) argument w/ my rents' and it was awful. basically they're trying to run dictatorship on someone who's used to living democratically his whole life (PS i'm only 16). they have 20th century beliefs which i can't seem to accept, so i don't follow them, and they're getting all pissed off about it. anyways, the argument led me to grab the x acto knife (the box cutter types) and pulled out the blade (brand new, so its pretty sharp) rubbed it gently against my thigh (my only SI area, i've limited myself to my thighs) nothing, rubbed it a little harder, again, nothing (PS i was listening to my music at this time) waited for the epic chorus, i literally just shredded the blade along with the beat, just one slice and my biggest wound yet. its at least 2-3 times the size of the largest cut i've ever made previously. so the point of this long saga is. you can't stop it just by stopping your cutting habit, you gotta find out whats your trigger and suppress that (in the past it had been my parents who triggered me, along with a bunch of other things)

Well, as many others have said in previous forum posts, life isn't always that bad. I can't blame you for being upset about the lost relationship, but without having a more in depth knowledge of that, I can't really say whether or not it's right to try and patch it up. That's something you'll have to decide on. As for the cutting, I recently helped a friend with that. Instead of letting her cut, I tried getting her into some new hobbies. I tried quite a few things such as music, a few sports, and even online games with other players. The one thing that clearly worked was swimming to be honest. I'm into competitive swimming myself, and I got her to pick it up herself. It gave her a different kind of "thrill" to get hooked on. Now, I'm not saying you should run to the nearest pool. I think you might just want to find a new hobby or something.

Just stay strong. I'm sure you can make it through whatever life throws at you, and just remember that you've got an entire community to talk to right here.