Break-up or not? Is it worth it?

    • Break-up or not? Is it worth it?

      EDIT: This is a long post, so I put the main issues up here (bolded), and the details about them are below it.

      I have been dating my girlfriend for almost year, and at the beginning of our relationship, things were smooth and I enjoyed spending time with her a whole lot more than I do now. There are so many things that have been pushing us farther and farther apart to the point that I don't think I can deal with it anymore. Taking all of this into account, I don't think it is worth it and I am ready to just break it off with her. I love her and I don't want to be a jerk, but I honestly don't think I can deal with any of this anymore... I hardly see my friends anymore (I get a guilt trip), my parents don't like her, she doesn't trust me (looks through my phone, and thinks I would be unfaithful or leave her for someone else), there's always something that I have to change for her (because maybe I don't meet her expectations), and she takes a lot of things for granted (when I open doors for her or drive her to school each morning, or even when we hang out every day after school)... I brought forth an argument about these things after school and told her that I didn't think it was working, I felt I wasn't the guy for her. and that I didn't think I could handle it anymore, but she told me to give her a second chance to change. (I said I would because I felt guilty...) Before saying that, though, she told me to just leave her if I thought she was "so terrible and hard to deal with," but I didn't want to be an ass and just leave...

      What should I do... this is a pretty loaded situation, and I have been torn up inside for close to half of our relationship..


      Details:

      Around 3 - 4 months into our relationship, my family invited her to come with us on a trip out of the state for a vacation. The trip was pretty lengthy for her, as she was without her family for about a week. She started to feel homesick and I wanted to go home as well, so I convinced my dad to take us home the afternoon before we were to leave. On the trip home, she was resting her head on my shoulder, and my dad texted my mom, telling her we were being "inappropriate" and he was feeling uncomfortable. Because of this, I got chewed out by my mom and both of my parents were mad at us. I was angry, so I expressed this to my dad and he made a huge scene of it in the car, and because of this experience, it sparked the beginning of a grudge and general dislike for my parents. After this, I was informed (by her) that the times when she would come over to my house for the evening were simply because she knew it would make me happy, but she didn't like being there.

      She obviously didn't like my parents at this point, and every time they would make me frustrated or annoyed, she would get the complete wrong idea and keep adding up everything on a mental list of reasons not to like them. If this were actually to have a name on said list, it would be "they hurt my boyfriend." Since she detests my family so much at this point, she started to come over less and less, to the point where she never comes over at all.

      My girlfriend can be quite selfish and on one occasion, we were having an argument over Skype video chat on my getting a job. My family is not extremely wealthy and paying for college is HUGE for pretty much everyone, so in order to be able to buy HER things, as well as save some money for college, I needed to desperately get a job. Without actually saying she didn't want me to get a job, she conveyed her message by telling me that I had to "think about how much time it would take away from our spending time together." So, because I knew this was going to upset her, I tried to push for about an hour that maybe I could work less hours than I had originally planned (Saturday night, likely) and that we could go out after school on Friday, and on Sunday. She told me that she didn't like the idea because after school she is "too tired" and doesn't want to go out, and because Sunday is usually the day that we both do homework, she didn't want to cut into that time.

      Before making my decision on college, she was set on her future plans and the school she wanted to go to, but when I told her where I was going to go, she got upset about the hour drive between us, and that she was afraid that I would just drop her for some girl I met at my campus, or that I would cheat on her or something. I've explained to her countless times that I would NEVER cheat on her, and I don't even LOOK at other girls that way... but that didn't reassure her even a little bit. Two days after her getting upset about this, she decided to drop her future plans because she didn't think she was good enough, and that MY school had strong programs in a subject that she loved, and she decided to go to school where I am. I don't know if I'm going crazy, but it seems extremely suspicious to me that only a few days after getting upset about us being apart she picks the same school as me...

      I feel that my girlfriend doesn't really appreciate my efforts for things. Whenever I am not with her, she expects me to text her whenever I do something different. (For example, if she knows I am hanging out with my friends, she wants to know the different things that we do.) Personally, I think it is terribly rude to constantly be texting in the presence of other people, and I feel like she is trying to involve herself too much into EVERY aspect of my life. I feel like always telling her every single thing I do when she's not there to see is weird and that I have no space. I try to adjust to this problem she has with wanting to know everything by trying to tell her when things are happening, but if I don't meet her expectations, she doesn't recognize any of the efforts that I put in. Recently I went on a college over-night orientation and because I didn't text her enough she became extremely upset with me and accused me of treating her poorly.

      She also has this same issue (above) when I am hanging out with my friends and she isn't there. Before I went to my friend's house to stay over, instead of being happy for me and supportive she complained about how I was going to go over there and leave her to be bored... for about an hour, which made me late there. Even when I got there, the drama didn't stop, because she made me feel guilty in the texts that she sent me, which ended up being a two-hour long phone conversation when I was at his house about the same thing... I feel like she doesn't respect my personal space or my friends.

      Around now is the season for prom (actually, tickets were sold this week) and I was thinking of ways to ask her that would be cute and public, which she wanted. So I decided on making a large banner with her name and "PROM" next to it and hanging it outside of the school entrance that we walk into every morning. When we arrived at school the morning I had put it up, she seemed really happy and kissed me and seemed to appreciate my idea... but a few hours into the school day, she approached me and started... almost complaining about how I asked her to prom. She said that it was very impersonal, and she wished that I would have put in more effort into essentially a better idea. She said that she felt that way because she knows I am talented and capable of doing other things than that. It was clear that I was hurt, because my smile dropped off and I felt as if I was going to cry- but she gave a small apology and kept going on about how other guys who hadn't been dating their girlfriends as long as I have did more complex and more desirable things that what I had done. Does anyone have any opinions on this?

      The post was edited 3 times, last by Aerctic: Make post easier/faster to read ().

    • Re: Don't know how to fix this. Is it worth it?

      I'm sorry that I only have time to read the bolded post but based on that:

      I think you could give her a second chance if you think you can go on a little longer without breaking down and are prepared to break it off if worst comes to worst. I think that if you just tell her straight forwardly what you think and what you want her to do she might very well do her best to change. And talk to your parents and friends as well, they're in the middle of this all and if your parents hate her then personally I think that's not worthy of a break up though it is something you need to sort out. Just get them to understand where you're coming from and that you want them to get to know her more perhaps.

      Don't get me wrong, someone like you deserves to have a girl who thanks you and acknowledges your chivalry lest it goes wasted on a girl who seems couldn't care less but if she really loves you she will do her best to contribute to the relationship. She just needs you to help her.

      But again, you seem really torn up and if you really can't take more you should break up. It's unhealthy for you to keep on going if you're already so badly hurt. Youve already told her so you can confront her and just tell her it's already been too much and that it's not really a second chance she's asking by that it's been going on for a long time.

      Take care
    • Re: Don't know how to fix this. Is it worth it?

      Thanks, I appreciate your response so much!

      I told her I was going to give her a second chance, but I did that pretty much because I felt like a total a-hole... I feel awful about everything, especially since she has just recently been diagnosed with depression. Everyone I've talked to has told me that I should break it off because they think that I know I need to end it.
    • Re: Break-up or not? Is it worth it?

      It seems like you're not into this relationship anymore and that it's stressing you out more than it should. You're finding so many reasons on why she's not making you happy, and I've read nothing that supports why you should stay with her other than not wanting to feel like a jerk. Let's face it, when you break up with someone it hurts them. But you're not going to avoid that no matter how long you wait on this.

      She's getting in the way of your every day life, and she's very demanding, and her personality is so strong with this it'd take a lot for her to change. Unless you think she's able to turn herself around completely, I don't think things are going to get much better for you, and that there's no need for you to continue to be unhappy or for you to pull her along. Since you've already agreed to give her a second chance, I think you should wait a while to see if she changes. If she does, great. But I really think you're already done with this relationship since you're asking people online about it, as well as you're showing you're not really too happy with it.
      [LEFT][SIZE=2]"Adapt and Overcome"[/SIZE][/LEFT]
      [RIGHT]"Funny how the truth sounds so cliche"[/RIGHT]
      [RIGHT]~Jack Ingram[/RIGHT]
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    • Re: Break-up or not? Is it worth it?

      To be engaged means to have a good relationship with someone, if you don't have a good time anymore with her I think you should just break up.
      Give her a second chance if you think something could really change but, otherwise, just do the right thing.
      I'm telling you so because I used to be in a relationship in which, after some months, I couldn't go on anymore. Unfortunately I continued that relationship for other 5-6 months because I was afraid of hurting this girl's feelings, but I felt really sick about that relationship, and when I finally broke up with her I felt really well.
    • Re: Break-up or not? Is it worth it?

      I personally am a lot like this girl you talk about. I know from experience, that being told what my problem is, in a CALM and comforting way helps me get a personality check. I've learned a lot from previous relationships, but then again I'm older now and I have a reason to be accusing or paranoid that my boyfriend is cheating. 1) He lives in Alberta and I live in BC 2) I caught him flirting online with another girl. 3) Everyone wants him.
      She needs to be reassured because she might have trust issues from her family? Maybe you're just so special to her that she doesn't want to share? Try taking her with you to your friends. I myself involve myself in my boyfriends' lives more than I should but I guess Guys have a reputation of being "players" than women our age. The second chance can be good, but really think about it. She's her, and she's probably not going to change. You can't expect someone to change. It's really a hard thing to do. Especially when someone means so much to you. You have to either, start taking her more seriously, and realize that now you are in a serious relationship. You chose to be in it. So that's usually what comes with a SERIOUS one. My peice of advice, leave it or take it. But hopefully it'll help you in some way.