Short story I wrote this past year

    • Short story I wrote this past year

      its entitled "Do Not Respond"
      Tell me what you think of it.

      I sat on the bench waiting for the next train out of town. A catchy tune started to play from my pocket and I zoned back into reality. It was my phone. The caller ID read “DO NOT RESPOND.” I knew who it was. There have been times where I would respond, but not as much lately. I’d rather not pick it up, but if I don’t they’ll just call back. So I answer “Hi!” I say with a jubilant voice “Hey” the voice replied “Happy New Year.” The voice seemed to have lifted spirits “Same to you” I say with a dulled voice. “What’s wrong?” the voice asked. “Nothing” I laughed. “That’s a lie,” the voice said accusingly. “I am not,” I snap back. I hang up. WHISTLE the train had just pulled in. I stepped on with my one-way ticket and a suitcase. I walked forward to the front the train. Then it was dark for a bit, I couldn’t see anything but I heard noises, screams, and creatures chirping. I wondered what was going on. A few minutes had passed and I started to see a bit. I was in a tunnel. The problem with this tunnel was that there was a track and no train. I decided to head towards the sound of a voice I had heard. “Come this way there are more people over there” it was at that moment that I opened my eyes. “What?” I asked. “Please move forward your crowding up this car.” The man demanded. “Oh sorry” I replied apologetically. Back to reality again I walked and found a seat. The view outside the window was a mesmerizing display of lights across the water. “Next stop New York Penn Station.” Announced the conductor. I sat in the seat waiting for the crowd to diminish. I got up and walked to the sliding door. I stepped over the yellow line and headed for an empty stairwell. Although there were a few people I stood at the side of the road hailing taxis. After a few busy drivers one stopped. “Where you goin'?” he asked. “I’m just trying to get to 400 Fifth Avenue” “Oh” the man said surprised. “You staying at the Setai? That’s fancy.” “Yeah, I guess” I replied. I looked out the window and noticed there were huge mobs of people everywhere. I arrived at the hotel around 4am. I was there because someone had rented a room for me as a present. I looked at the giant sign above the door; of course the letters spelled “The Setai.” The building was on a corner and more than 60 stories tall. Reviews for it were always five stars. I had forgotten who actually rented the room; I decided not to worry about it. I opened the door. The décor was magnificent I couldn’t believe my eyes. It seemed like every inch was polished every day. The room was a “Studio Suite King” one of the most expensive. Suddenly darkness took hold of my view I couldn’t see again “Am I blind?” I thought. I saw a spec in the distance. It sounded like a wounded being. I walked forward, and it disappeared. “SIR!” I heard a voice call. “Excuse me sir!” “Huh?” I replied reeling my mind back to reality again. “Oh right thanks.” I took the key and walked towards the elevator. “Happy New Year sir.” A woman said “Same to you.” I replied. “Are you okay?” the woman asked. “I’m fine why do you ask?” my tone probably sounded more irritated than I meant it to be. “You just seem a little tense that’s all.” The woman replied. “What floor are you going to?” “The 57th.” I answered bluntly “You?” “Wow I’m going to the 5th” she said, “The 57th has all the studio suites doesn’t it?” “Yeah” I mumbled. “You don’t seem too happy about it.” She replied. DING the elevator door opened “Good bye” I said as I walked to the suite. “Good bye sir.” She replied. I started to wonder why people were calling me sir. Oh well guess that’s a question for later. I walked over to room 01198 I went to the door and turned the key. The door opened and I saw a window looking down upon the city. Many lights where still on. Celebrations could be heard through the walls. Then I heard a voice from the other part of the room “Why did you hang up on me earlier?” At that moment shivers came down my spine. I started pacing around looking for a person. Where was the voice coming from? What did it want? I traveled through the whole apartment. “I’m in the bathroom if you haven’t figured that out yet” the voice said. That calmed me down a little, but still I didn’t want anything to do with this person. They were involved in many evil cons and economic scandals. They made their way to the top of society by lies and stolen ideas. The toilet flushed and the voice shouted, “You’re out of toilet paper!” “Uh thanks?” I replied. My head was in a daze from what just happened. There was a reason the name in the phone was DO NOT RESPOND. It strongly suggested NOT picking up. I’m so naïve sometimes. I forget things very easily. I shouldn’t have come here without knowing who actually bought me the room. Oh well I guess one night can’t be too bad. I may not like the person but they did get me one heck of a present. So I went into the bedroom. I heard the voice again “Good Night!” the voice said with a kind-hearted tone. When I heard the door shut I turned on the TV. All the news channels were ranting on about how new years was such a great celebration. I got up and went to the kitchen. I checked all the cabinets and drawers to see if there was anything good. I found a can of soup and popped it in the microwave then went back to the bedroom. I sat in the bed my eyes slowly drifting into darkness. I heard a beeping noise in the distance. The microwave was probably done I thought. Then the beeping got louder. Beep beep BEEP BEEP BEEP. I opened my eyes and sat upright. I looked at the clock it said 6:30am “Ugh I have to get on the bus in 30 minutes” “Hey coop you awake?” my father asks from the other side of the door. “Yeah I am” I shouted back. “I just can’t wait for another horrible Monday morning” I mumbled.
    • Re: Short story I wrote this past year

      Hm... the language is too simple your sentences lack not only structure but flow. You make no use of literary devices, and imagery is very important. After a while I found it almost a challenge to continue reading with how dull it was. ;T I'm not even sure what exactly the story was about. :(
      Keep practicing and sharing though. the more you write the better you get at it. :D
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      Loistre Danz....[/CENTER]