A couple of years ago I realized I have no purpose to my life and just wanted to die realizing also how depressing and boring life is. My childhood died at an early age of 10 when my grandpa died (I'm 16 now) and because of that I already feel like I've lived life. I've watched society die as a whole, whether it be today's media, the common intelligence of US youth, or even morality. Please this is serious so no bullying and I mean no offense. I use to hate humanity for how impure and sinful we were, but of course as I grew older I met people who proved not everyone's like that and I learned to embrace our imperfections for it's what makes us human and free. I love the world and everyone in it and I made my purpose in life love. Eventually I met this girl who made me feel all these feelings, she made me feel love, she taught me I have to be strong for others and reminded me exactly how imperfect and human I am, I truly loved her. I knew her for three years and it was clear I liked her we became really good friends and I talked to her everyday at school. One day I became very depressed and she noticed; at the time I began to feel worthless like I could disappear and no one would care, and that I'll never find happiness, she tried to help me telling me she cared and that she was my friend but due to previous complications I had trust issues and wasn't willing to accept it. Eventually though I did begin to believe it and I really fell in love with her but the very same day I accepted that she cared I discovered she had been hiding a boyfriend from everyone for a couple of months (like 6 or so) and it crushed me, worst of all I had to hear it while she was talking to another friend. She didn't know at the time why I became even more depressed and wouldn't give up at trying to help leading to me telling her how I felt, she handled it pretty well telling me she was sorry and she really did care about me but told me she just couldn't feel the same way because of her boyfriend... I wanted to stay friends with her but at the same time wanted to leave all the pain it caused me. but me being an idiot stayed close to her constantly arguing why she wouldn't give me a chance, I mean I know she has a boyfriend and she couldn't just leave him and I never really wanted her to, I mean I'm happy for her, but I wanted her love, I wanted to be absolutely sure she cared, I wanted to stay by her side, I never wanted our friendship to end, I wanted it to be more. We kept fighting and eventually I went through a suicidal episode ruining a lot, and she just stopped caring, she broke my heart, and she pretty much admitted she pitied me. At that point our friendship was on and off and now it seems it's really over. I feel real awful about everything I've done and became one of the very things I despised and never wanted to be. I don't know what to do, she just can't feel the same way I do about her now, she won't talk to me anymore, and I know I should just get over her and I kind of am but I've lost all hope to ever be happy, there could be other girls out there but I don't believe that, and it's not just that I've lost her I've just gotten back to that point where I see no point in living, nothing's worth anything to me anymore, I've learned all I want in life and if I'll never have a family there's nothing left for me, I'd much rather see what comes after death and maybe start a new life, one where it's maybe possible for me to be happy. I know there's people out there who care about me and love me but they'll be okay without me, they can still be happy. I just don't want to live this tortured existence anymore where I'm reminded everyday I don't matter. She and her boyfriend literally live on opposite ends of the US and they've been together for a year now, if you want you can get more in-depth here: fblastnotes dot blogspot dot com these are many of our talks so you can understand better and maybe even help me better, but I warn you it is long, and of course I've hidden every name to protect privacy and keep this anonymous. A while ago I felt like it was just a crush but now I really felt I loved her, but I can't really say that since love is a mutual feeling between two people. Now it seems I have no hope to ever be with her, or ever be happy and I just want to die, I know I shouldn't and I'm just so confused. I'm a fragile, broken child who's already experience what's worth experiencing and won't be able to experience anything better. I don't even know why I'm posting this, maybe I'm just trying to hear what I want to hear or need to or maybe I'm just desperate to find a reason to keep on living, don't give me any reason I've already excused or that I can still find one either. I don't deserve my life. I don't really like to rely on religion to believe I have purpose, though I do believe in God and Jesus Christ I won't accept it as a reason to live, I'd much rather see them then keep going on with this charade.Also Hell is also not much of an issue to me, I don't truly believe in an eternal Hell, but I do partially believe in suffering in Hell until you atone for your sins. I believe in God but I still don't put TOO MUCH faith in religion, mainly because I don't believe in worship and how easily it can be manipulated by humans. The only purpose I want out of life is love, and honestly I don't feel there's any left for me. I always wanted to write stories and share them, even illustrate (drawing a hobby of mine) as well but not even that matters to me any more being strongly based on love too.
I'm Contemplating Suicide and I Don't Know What To Do With My Life
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Hey bud, its a hard life, I have actually been in your EXACT SAME SHOES a few months ago (except she wasnt hiding her boyfriend), and I know how painful one-sided love is. Though I guess what made it worse for me was that he boyfriend was one of my boys from elementary.
Anyways, all I can say, is that you want love, and to do some story writing and illustratin'- lemme chop the second part of that real quick though bro. There are tons of sites out there that host your own stories, like Fictionpress.com or Quizilla.com (heck, I have a story or two up on Quizilla to be dead honest with ya), and you can also get some reviews on Fictionpress so that you know what people thought of yer story and how to improve, it's an awesome site, and seems perfect for yer hobby. For yer drawing hobby, I'd say get a deviantart account, it stores all yer art for ya in a nice and hot interface, and the site overall is as reliable as my ol' grandpas Ford 4x4 Pickup (there been 350 thousand miles on it, all original, it's still kickin'). Thats the easy part, yer hobbies can be outleted so easily online. And I'm pointing you to online sources simply because they will get you lots more exposure, in addition to you showing your friends that neato' drawing you been working at all these months or that story you've been off and on writing. Look'em up bro, and keep on truckin' with the interests in literature and art. They're good things to get into.
For your life- well, bro; you might feel like that girl was "the only one for you", and I'm not gonna tell you that there are other girls out there (Even though there are hundreds if not thousands of other girls we all are compatible with), but dont think that girl aint gonna come 'round one day. Cause you never know, she might break up with that boy of hers, and she'll be lookin' for some support, and guess whose gonna be there? You. So bud, call 'er up now (make sure she aint busy, girls dont like gettin bothered), and work things out, it aint gonna be easy, but it'll hopefully be worth it.
Don't think that suicide will drop you into hell for you to "atone for yer sins" (I aint got one slice of religious meat in me, so I cant relate there.) But I do gotta tell you to simply not do it. Maybe yer just in the wrong place. Start focusing more on your interests and strengths instead of improving your weaknesses, it aint gonna end you up in a good place. You think you lived everything worth living for so far? Ah bro, I'm sorry you feel that way, but dont kick yourself to the cemetary just yet, cause if you stick around, maybe you'll get a lil' treat, cause thats how life is. We never are born with our first thought being "I'm here to take shit and suffer quietly", its probably somethin' like "OH HAWT DAMN, ITS LIGHTY OUT HERE". Anyway, point is, just think a lil more clearly and go draw somethin for now, you've been heard, and will continue to be heard, really, you may feel like life's not gonna get better and it'll just keep pounding away at you, but if you embrace your strengths and leave where you know things aint gonna work, life's gonna seem a lot better.
Sorry I been rambling, but basicly all I want ya to know is; visit Quizilla, Fictionpress, and DeviantArt. Stick around in life because its so damn unpredictable, and you might get something nice tomorrow or the next day or whenever. And just do what you like and what you're good at, and forget what your bad at, because you'll have a happier life doing what your good at. And lastly, make friends with that girl hopeful of yers, and dont be beatin on her with why you cant give her a chance (it'll be hard, but you should vent that anger and sadness someplace else- maybe a friend or teenhut?), because as soon as shes off the hook of that boy of hers way out on the other side of the US, guess who she'll be looking for support from? You bud.
Keep kickin' around here, you'll see life can work. -
elemein wrote:
Cause you never know, she might break up with that boy of hers, and she'll be lookin' for some support, and guess whose gonna be there? You. So bud, call 'er up now (make sure she aint busy, girls dont like gettin bothered), and work things out, it aint gonna be easy, but it'll hopefully be worth it.
Actually I really have no way to contact her anymore, I deleted her number too, and she just doesn't want to talk, I want to try and be her friend a year from now but I don't know and I think life would already have me down at that point. This would really help you understand:
fblastnotes dot blogspot dot com
and honestly it's not just her, I really can't feel happy anymore, I want to thank you though you made me feel a little better but I just don't know -
I read half of it so far, and I decided Ima write a bit now as if I were to read the whole thing, and answer it, I'd be pumpin out essays and have to use some "spellcheck" program to make sure it's all good, because damn, it'd be long.
Anyways, bro, I gotta start by saying; damn. You're like me! A LOT! You sure you aint some long lost twin Eli (you dont mind if I call you that, do ya bro? I dont mean Eli as in Ell-e as a girlie way, E-li, as a bad ass way is how I mean it, anyway, random.) I would totally take a shot or two for any of my friends as they just mean so much to me, and I totally feel disposable too- but I dont feel that way to make it seem like a waste. You were given a life, a disposable life, now make something good out of it, make it undisposable.
(lemme cut in here for a second, I just remmebered; if anything i say suddenly becomes invalid, its probably because I only read half of it so far, so just brush it off and wait for when I finish the whole thing.)
Anyway, it seems like you think this girl was "it". I had that feeling too about a girl, i got into fights with her too about thinking she meant a lot more to me then i did to her, twice actually we had two enormous fights, the first time she didnt even come to school because she was so upset with me. Anyway, what I'm trying to get at is, she valued you bro, she wanted to stay friends- not so that someone may always be above you, but so that you could last longest. Now I have been in a couple of relationships (and by a couple, I legit mean two), first girl, lasted four years on and off, but when we broke off for good, she never talked to me again. No friendship. That was it. Second girl? I talked to her after, and we're still decent friends. But dont anyone dare think it was easy for me to say "hi" to her again after we broke up. Friendship after breakup is a HARD thing, and she knew that, thats why she wanted to just stay friends, she wanted you to always be there for her instead of possibly breaking up with you and never talking to you again.
Also bro, she said it right too; there are other girls. You said it yourself too- wait, where? Aha you might not of caught it, but when you said you were thinking of adopting, you were referencing to another person you could pour love into. That may not be another "girl", but its another person to love. So buck up bro, she wont be the last (and yes, you're tired of hearing everyone say this crap about her not being the only girl for ya, but its because its been tested and its true.)
Anyways, I'm off to read the last half of the texts, and maybe get me some iced tea.
Pace :blush:
Edit: Oh aha, this girl asian eh? Oh b, you sure you aint my twin?
I like the orient too, they espiecally cute -
Is there a Coles Notes version of this? o.e
Aha just playing whitcha, I'm almost done readin' it. Would be easier if a bunch of words were'nt "_____"ed out though. -
elemein wrote:
I'm almost done readin' it. Would be easier if a bunch of words were'nt "_____"ed out though.
Those "_______" are names.
---------- Post added at 07:40 PM ---------- Previous post was at 07:36 PM ----------
elemein wrote:
Edit: Oh aha, this girl asian eh? Oh b, you sure you aint my twin? I like the orient too, they espiecally cute
Lol no she's Mexican, my best friend's Japanese. -
You failed to block out your name bro. Though I dont know if blockin your own name out would do much good. Anyway, I'm about just over 3/4 done this. Sorry, I might be a lil slow with readin and replying, amazingly enough, my second girlfriend is talking to me because she is on the verge of a panic attack and wants someone to talk to.
Anyways, Pace.
edit: Oh mexican. Well they're pretty cute too. I'm still likin' my asians though : ). -
elemein wrote:
You failed to block out your name bro. Though I dont know if blockin your own name out would do much good. Anyway, I'm about just over 3/4 done this. Sorry, I might be a lil slow with readin and replying, amazingly enough, my second girlfriend is talking to me because she is on the verge of a panic attack and wants someone to talk to.
Lol yeah just found my name and blocked it, also it's cool take your time, but I don't know if she really did appreciate me and I just don't know. I felt bad because she didn't trust we could last, she didn't really care about me or want to be with me, at least not any more, and it hurt so much though not being able to love her, I felt so much pain every time I'd see her and be reminded she had a boyfriend. She pitied me and felt bad for me which I just hated. She gave up on me when she promised she never would, she hates me now and I don't blame her, there can be other girls out there, I know we'd be compatible but for someone to truly be for me they'd remind me too much of her... -
Fictionary wrote:
Lol yeah just found my name and blocked it, also it's cool take your time, but I don't know if she really did appreciate me and I just don't know. I felt bad because she didn't trust we could last, she didn't really care about me or want to be with me, at least not even more. She gave up on me when she promised she never would and I don't blame her, there can be other girls out there, I know we'd be compatible but for someone to truly be for me they'd remind me too much of her...
Aha not even close bro, not even close. Wonder why? Pre' simple.
Her = Incompatible with you on most levels. She was there for you. Okay, thats the only way she wll be similar to the actual love of your life. One way out of the hundreds of things there are to a girl. No wait, thousands of things. No- hundreds of thousands of- cut that crap. There's a lot of things.
Anyway, the real love of your life will be compatible with you and wouldnt have done this to you. I'm somewhere in the middle of the battle with yourself, so i read all the texts.
Also, you got MSN or something? if you got some time, I think it'd be better if we could move this to a more streamlined, private area. dont wanna clog up the teenhut archives with 100-reply messages (Even though I'd love to hit my 100 post mark in my first week)
Edit: Oh yeah, you're in the whole text TWICE. Not once (twice so far from what I've read). Just making sure you catch up all your tracks b.
Pace -
Fictionary wrote:
I have Yahoo IM
I used to have that. I wonder if its still kicking around my computer. Anyway, after I'm done reading this (I'm almost done, i can see the end I think), I'll see if I still have it, and pm you my yahoo address and we can work this out bud. You're amongst friends here
Pace :cool:
---------- Post added at 08:49 AM ---------- Previous post was at 08:40 AM ----------
Alright, I got it luckily, be expecting my yahoo address up your way in a sec, hope you're still up bro. -
Just going off the fist line here, your post is so long dear, but I will read it when I'm not so tired...
Suicide is such a difficult thing to deal with, and you may have said so in your post, but have you sought help?"We don't want to hurt you, but we will if we have to."
-The Uglies Series-
[SIZE=4]IT'S GONNA BE A MOVIE![/SIZE][SIZE=4]!![/SIZE] -
Dr_Cable wrote:
Just going off the fist line here, your post is so long dear, but I will read it when I'm not so tired...
Suicide is such a difficult thing to deal with, and you may have said so in your post, but have you sought help?
I'm talking with the mano right now. I'll see if i can help. Nice to see I aint all alone up 'ere : ) -
Okay, let me just say first that I read your entire post word for word. I wanna get this straight though, you want to contemplate suicide because you think it's a cruel world and you got rejected by a girl? You sound like a smart kid, smart kids have common sense and common sense should tell you this world is going to be cruel sometimes but there are lots of ways to bypass it and it should also tell you that every guy gets rejected all the time, especially in high school. It's life, people just move on.
If you have anybody in the family that cares about you, you can always go and talk to them. Don't think nobody cares about you just because you're depressed. Think reality and come up with some options that you know might help. -
Ok so I know how you feel. I was your age going through exactly the same thing exactly one year ago. Minus dead relative and not entirely in that order. Um... I was really depressed. Met a girl, first real girlfriend I guess. In the end she said she didn't love me. I didn't give up though, fast forward one year and here I am. I met the girl of my dreams. They say nobody's perfect? She is. Was. She burned me too. Yup....I don't disagree with you on anything. I say if you have the guts to end your life then I think it's almost your duty to do that. You'll hurt the people that love you probably but they need to understand why. If my best friend commited suicide right now I can't say I'd be that sad. I'd accept that it was their time, choice and fate to move on from this world which is really nothing more than a hell in itself. This is hell. If you can escape if by finding love, a career, a family, a hobby, drugs, or suicide then that's how you should do it. Obviously some choices are better than others. I also feel how you feel about the world being a terrible, cruel place and suddenly you're just making it worse. It's terrible. I personally can't stand the thought of sex, especially a younger girl doing it before she should be thinking about it. Makes me wanna puke. I hate drugs too, anyone who smokes automatically gets put on my mental "ignore list." Good luck.:right::G::/right:
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g_squidman wrote:
Ok so I know how you feel. I was your age going through exactly the same thing exactly one year ago. Minus dead relative and not entirely in that order. Um... I was really depressed. Met a girl, first real girlfriend I guess. In the end she said she didn't love me. I didn't give up though, fast forward one year and here I am. I met the girl of my dreams. They say nobody's perfect? She is. Was. She burned me too. Yup....I don't disagree with you on anything. I say if you have the guts to end your life then I think it's almost your duty to do that. You'll hurt the people that love you probably but they need to understand why. If my best friend commited suicide right now I can't say I'd be that sad. I'd accept that it was their time, choice and fate to move on from this world which is really nothing more than a hell in itself. This is hell. If you can escape if by finding love, a career, a family, a hobby, drugs, or suicide then that's how you should do it. Obviously some choices are better than others. I also feel how you feel about the world being a terrible, cruel place and suddenly you're just making it worse. It's terrible. I personally can't stand the thought of sex, especially a younger girl doing it before she should be thinking about it. Makes me wanna puke. I hate drugs too, anyone who smokes automatically gets put on my mental "ignore list." Good luck.:right::G::/right:
I don't quite understand what you mean but it seems you have the wrong impression of me on so many levels, first I never tried to push her into sex EVER, I just wanted to know she cared and I know I screwed up, second I don't see it as a duty to kill myself, no one really deserves death but sometimes it feels needed, I don't think I mentioned anything about drugs, and I really don't think you understand at all. It also seems your trying to imply that there are obvious substitutes to suicide but most are those are unavailable to me and some don't matter. The world isn't a horrible place, though it is full of horrible things that's just another part of the thing we call life. The world is actually great being balanced the way it is, some people live great lives from love, family, and fun, as others are unfortunate and have to deal with some oof the most awful thing before dying. I am neither one, but life has lost value to me... -
Sorry Fictionary. That's not what I meant at all. I always have a really hard time making a point on these forums for some reason. Everything I said about sex and drugs was just me explaining how the world looks to me. Things like that seem so much more cruel to me than to most people. That's all I meant by that.
I was also trying to explain the world from my point of view. Life is full of suffering right? So it's our duty to deal with the problems and pain as best we can. That's what life is.
So some people deal with life by finding another person and starting a family and trying to cope everyday with their problems and be happy despite it all. Some people deal with life by ending it. I think that if you can take the easy way then you should.
G -
g_squidman wrote:
Sorry Fictionary. That's not what I meant at all. I always have a really hard time making a point on these forums for some reason. Everything I said about sex and drugs was just me explaining how the world looks to me. Things like that seem so much more cruel to me than to most people. That's all I meant by that.
I was also trying to explain the world from my point of view. Life is full of suffering right? So it's our duty to deal with the problems and pain as best we can. That's what life is.
So some people deal with life by finding another person and starting a family and trying to cope everyday with their problems and be happy despite it all. Some people deal with life by ending it. I think that if you can take the easy way then you should.
G
I could personally not disagree with you more. You're saying that just because he's going through a hard time now, he should end it.
That has to be one of the most pessimestic things I've ever heard, and trust me, I've talked to Fictionary, and have been through a similar situation. You're saying as if things will NOT get better, so he should just end it. That is totally untrue, and he should just simply wait it out. Things like drugs and sex may be exagerrated to you, but if you're like me and lived in downtown Toronto and Hamilton for awhile, that stuff is hardly even bad to you (and I never touched either sex nor drugs.)
Really, the world isnt such a bad place, it is not full of suffering, and some people actually live a great life they enjoy. It's all about perspective. I know that Fictionary's life is going to get better, as will yours, and everyone else who has ever lived. Just because we have hard times, that doesnt mean there wont be up times- and when there are down times, we should man the f*** up and keep truckin' through it, why? Because there is always something good waiting for us on the other side, even if we dont know what it is.
No one was ever remembered fondly because they took the "easy" way out. Nor is the easy way ever a good way. That not only applies for "life matters", but it also does for everything else.
The hard way is always most rewarding and best. Never forget it. (and by that, I dont mean make your life harder than it needs to be, but dont take the easy, cheap way out.)
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