Couple needing help coping with the past.

    • Couple needing help coping with the past.

      Ok I just need to get something off my chest, sorry if I just ramble in this post but here it goes. So, me and my girlfriend have been dating for 6 months, I've known her since 4 months before that. We are in highschool and I met her when our sophmore year started. She was a new student coming from a small private school to this big public school. She didn't really know anyone and I had her in 2 of my classes even though we talked to eachother in only one. Well, she also made friends with somebody else. This senior, and he wasn't much of a good character, like he'd ditch school, do illegal things, etc. So I liked this girl from the first days I known her and always wanted to ask her out, I was just scared of her rejecting me, so 4 months later I finally work up the courage and she says yes! She opens up to me saying that she liked me too and was just scared to ask me for the same reason I never asked her. (Stupid yes I know.) Anyways, to get to the point, in that time of her being new to the school and hanging with the wrong people, he convinced her to make some bad decisions, she ditched school with him, stole, etc. This was not her boyfriend either, just a friend that was a very bad influence on her and took advantage. What really gets to me and eats away at me is that she was abused. She's told me that he has hit her, punching, and, he also raped her. Basically it was rape, because she says that she wasn't ready and didn't realize what was happening until it was too late. This happened at the ending of Aug. 2010. She tells me she is okay and that she has let it go of what has happened, though I can see in her emotions that she isn't. Neither am I. I hate that it has happened and I keep blaming myself because I feel that I could have prevented it! I knew her from before it happened and could have said I liked her, because she says that she liked me too from that time. That's basically the problem I have right now, is that I blame myself for her being hurt by that guy and I know that till this day she feels bad about it and she has told me she is sorry for letting it happen, it just hurts me that I know I could have stopped it all from happening. Is there anything that I can do? That she can do? We just need help in letting go because it's the past and you can't change your mistakes, just learn from them. Though this is a serious mistake that it kills me to know that she was hurt, I could have prevented it, and that guy walks off clean not knowing about all this pain he has caused. If there's anyone that can have some advice of what to do? How to help my girlfriend and I cope with her have being hurt? Ever since we have been dating (6 months 2 days) it has been nothing but amazing:) I love her to death and hate that she was hurt and it makes me feel bad that I could have prevented it. That is the only touchy subject in our relationship that we hate has happened. Thank you for your help and time peoples, and sorry about this being long and me rambling, I just needed to get this off my chest.
    • Re: Couple needing help coping with the past.

      Hey man, I know what you are going through. My ex gf was raped before too, and I went through the same thing, wishing that I could have done something to prevent it, even though it was a good few years before I even met her. I don't think there is much you can do, its in the past now, what happened has happened. Even though she liked you back then, she may not have agreed to go out with you at that time, or if she did, she still may have hung out with those guys and it still may have happened. The only thing you can do is be there for her, support her and help her get through this. You could encourage her to go to the police about it and report it, but if she does not want to then don't keep pushing the matter. Sadly there is nothing you can do apart from letting it go and making peace with it, because the last thing you ever want is for this to ruin your relationship with her. So don't let that happen, it is awful what happened and I am deeply sorry for you and especially for her. Try and remain positive and enjoy your relationship with each other, don't let the past ruin the present. I hope this helped. Good luck. :)
      People think the Irish are a bunch of drunks and brawlers, and that makes us soo mad sometimes that we just want to get drunk and punch somebody.
    • Re: Couple needing help coping with the past.

      First of all, I was molested by one of my stepfathers, his dad, and his friends for about 6 years. Then I was repeatedly raped by my stepfather and a couple of his friends for 2 years. One thing I've learned from counseling is that it isn't anyone's fault but the person who is doing the raping. No one else has done anything wrong. You didn't know and neither of you can change the fact that the guy who raped her is such a fucked up individual.

      I'm still not over it and I chose to get counseling until 5 years after it happened. I'd told my mom and even showed her videos he had posted. She watched me shower, burned the computer after the evidence was taken off the internet and told me she'd tell the police or anyone else I told that I was lying because I was mad at them. It has, to this day, damaged my ability to trust anyone.

      I suggest that you both talk to a counselor, even if it's just a school counselor. It will help you both. You seem like a great guy and she's lucky to have someone that cares so much about her. It's hard to find someone like you, who will accept all the baggage that comes with being hurt like that. There is a lot and it will be a long road ahead, but I'm sure you can do it with the right kind of help.

      Good luck and please let me know how you guys get along!
      [CENTER]"Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul." ~Marilyn Monroe[/CENTER]