Ever since I was in my early teens, I've always been curious and aroused by the idea of having sex with a man. Not so much with the man himself, but the act of oral and anal sex itself (usually thinking about receiving oral and giving anal). The fantasies are faceless and they are never based on people I know in real life, and nor do I think about the looks of these men; the images in my head are of the sex act and not the look of body. I've received oral sex in experimentation by a close male friend before, but I've never found him sexually attractive, both physically and emotionally, and neither for any other male as well. I did enjoy the act, although I think I would have preferred it with a woman.

I find girls attractive and I've had several crushes on them throughout my teenage years, desiring relationships and sexual intimacy, although I've only been in 1 relationship with a girl before and that was 4 years ago when I was 16. All we did was make out and fool around; we didn't have oral sex or have intercourse. After it ended, I still desired women, but all of my crushes ended with rejection and no sexual activity happened since then, with the exception of occasionally making out with a girl who was usually a friend. To this day I'm still a virgin.

What conflicts with me right now is my struggle to become erect while fantasising or looking at straight porn. It's not impossible, but it takes a little longer than it does with gay porn. However, I find when I have a crush on a girl, or a girl shows interest in me, it becomes much much easier and desirable and the gay thoughts and desires go away completely. I also become much more confident with females too, but right now I'm still under some anxiety.

Basically, I want to hear your thoughts on it and what should I do or what does it mean? (Sorry for it being so long!)