Ok so.. umm.. I apologise for the length..
Well, I have a good life, I know I do.
- I have a boyfriend who I love and he loves me back. It's long distance but we - make it work and it has done for 6 months now.
- I don't live in poverty.
- I have really great friends.
- I'm naturally intelligent and in the past I have had excellent grades at school.
Here's the thing..
- I spend all day wanting to be in my room/walking in the fields by myself.
- I don't feel like I belong anywhere.
- I feel that there's so much more to me than anyone can see.
- I have recently started having panic attacks.
- I have no motivation for school or anything else but music (listening, not playing). - I have so little time left and I really want to go to university in September, mostly to get away from this place and all the bad memories and experiences, but also to do something that I will (hopefully) enjoy and will help me move on. But it's all so overwhelming, I can't cope.
- I have self harmed in the past and am so close to doing it again.. the only thing stopping me is my boyfriend, he doesn't know about it and that's the way I'd like it to stay.
- I spend a lot of time contemplating suicide in different ways, pills, jumping off things, walking in front of traffic, cutting my wrists, even starving myself. I can't bring myself to do it. Even though I believe I have no value in this world, I do believe that killing myself will hurt a lot of people and I can't be the selfish girl who kills herself and means more dead than alive.
- My dad is the only person in my family that I connect to but he lives too far away to see very often (usually every couple of weeks, depending).
- My sister, who is four years younger than me (but that really means nothing) barrages me with snide verbal abuse as well as getting physical when she's tired or just in a bad mood. The slightest thing can set her off and I'm always walking on eggshells around her. I seem to be the one that she enjoys bouncing off (in more ways than one) most. Probably because I react better but I just can't stand being around her at all. Parents have been on the verge of getting her counselling and trying to sort it out many times but not actually done anything about it thus far.
- I don't have anyone that knows everything about me any more.. the two people that did left me high and dry about 6 months ago. One of them just started ignoring me suddenly in every way possible, which especially hurt because I helped him through his depression and suicidal thoughts and yet when I got to that point he just left. The other suddenly stopped talking to my friends and I at school and then a week later accused us of bullying her, even though we honestly hadn't done anything. Nothing official came of it apart from her leaving school and cutting us off permanently. It affected me particularly badly because she was my closest friend at the time and knew everything there was to know about me, all I'd tried to do was help her, I felt so betrayed. I haven't had closure on either of these things, they just won't leave me alone.
- I'm bisexual. Only 5 people in the world know this (aside from you) and they are/were all close to me. Two of them are the two that left me. The other three are other close friends. My boyfriend doesn't know, my family doesn't know, society doesn't know. I keep thinking of coming out publicly, but there is such a stigma attached to bisexuality in particular because of the "epidemic" of teenage girls who think it's sexy and cool to be bi. I'm afraid of people not taking me seriously or taking on the whole "greedy" attitude.
- Lastly {and thank you for reading this far} I feel like such a selfish person for feeling this way. There's a lot of things to be grateful for and a hell of a lot of people who have it so much worse than I do. I just don't know what to do any more.. there's no point in me being around.. I'm floating along
Well, I have a good life, I know I do.
- I have a boyfriend who I love and he loves me back. It's long distance but we - make it work and it has done for 6 months now.
- I don't live in poverty.
- I have really great friends.
- I'm naturally intelligent and in the past I have had excellent grades at school.
Here's the thing..
- I spend all day wanting to be in my room/walking in the fields by myself.
- I don't feel like I belong anywhere.
- I feel that there's so much more to me than anyone can see.
- I have recently started having panic attacks.
- I have no motivation for school or anything else but music (listening, not playing). - I have so little time left and I really want to go to university in September, mostly to get away from this place and all the bad memories and experiences, but also to do something that I will (hopefully) enjoy and will help me move on. But it's all so overwhelming, I can't cope.
- I have self harmed in the past and am so close to doing it again.. the only thing stopping me is my boyfriend, he doesn't know about it and that's the way I'd like it to stay.
- I spend a lot of time contemplating suicide in different ways, pills, jumping off things, walking in front of traffic, cutting my wrists, even starving myself. I can't bring myself to do it. Even though I believe I have no value in this world, I do believe that killing myself will hurt a lot of people and I can't be the selfish girl who kills herself and means more dead than alive.
- My dad is the only person in my family that I connect to but he lives too far away to see very often (usually every couple of weeks, depending).
- My sister, who is four years younger than me (but that really means nothing) barrages me with snide verbal abuse as well as getting physical when she's tired or just in a bad mood. The slightest thing can set her off and I'm always walking on eggshells around her. I seem to be the one that she enjoys bouncing off (in more ways than one) most. Probably because I react better but I just can't stand being around her at all. Parents have been on the verge of getting her counselling and trying to sort it out many times but not actually done anything about it thus far.
- I don't have anyone that knows everything about me any more.. the two people that did left me high and dry about 6 months ago. One of them just started ignoring me suddenly in every way possible, which especially hurt because I helped him through his depression and suicidal thoughts and yet when I got to that point he just left. The other suddenly stopped talking to my friends and I at school and then a week later accused us of bullying her, even though we honestly hadn't done anything. Nothing official came of it apart from her leaving school and cutting us off permanently. It affected me particularly badly because she was my closest friend at the time and knew everything there was to know about me, all I'd tried to do was help her, I felt so betrayed. I haven't had closure on either of these things, they just won't leave me alone.
- I'm bisexual. Only 5 people in the world know this (aside from you) and they are/were all close to me. Two of them are the two that left me. The other three are other close friends. My boyfriend doesn't know, my family doesn't know, society doesn't know. I keep thinking of coming out publicly, but there is such a stigma attached to bisexuality in particular because of the "epidemic" of teenage girls who think it's sexy and cool to be bi. I'm afraid of people not taking me seriously or taking on the whole "greedy" attitude.
- Lastly {and thank you for reading this far} I feel like such a selfish person for feeling this way. There's a lot of things to be grateful for and a hell of a lot of people who have it so much worse than I do. I just don't know what to do any more.. there's no point in me being around.. I'm floating along
We live in a jar and think the lid's the sky.
