Should I go?

    • Should I go?

      I am a 20 year old web designer / IT technician. I've been working at my current job for approximately 2 years now. I've done school and college and am relatively well qualified. I live with my parents and they do alot for me, my laundry, my food and such although I do ofcourse, without much hesitation, pay my fair share in rent!

      I run an online game server which has a discussion board attached to it. This attracts approximately 500 unique people a day, with atleast 100 of them being regular visitors. Infact, there are people who have been there for 1 year, 2 years and even 3 years! I get on quite well personally with most of them and I have met some of them in person and had a fairly good time.

      I guess you're sitting there thinking.. so.. what's wrong? Well, many people think I am being stupid when I say what I'll say now, but I genuinely think it's an issue.

      I have maybe 2 or 3 good friends, who I might see once a fortnight or so. The people at my work bar a very minimal amount are far from my age and have apsolutely no similar interests. When I meet my friends, I might go for a pint or two or they might stay over and we'll have a bit of a gaming and drinking session. It's fun, while it lasts.

      Aside from that, I sit at home in my room from the minute I get in the door to the minute I walk out of the door in the morning, give a take a slice of toast and a shower. I'm not particularly obese, but I'm definately not under weight. Health issues are bound to crop up at some time. I can have quite a good old chit chat with the people on my site, both via text and voice, and quite enjoy it sometimes. However, I spend the rest of the time crawling through my website looking at people chatting, thinking to myself.. so many people are using my creation.. why am I not enjoying it? Why do I not have so many friends? Or a little more popularity? I'm not asking to be worshipped, just a little more than I have now would be very much appreciated!

      The word "Isolation" springs to mind. I try to pinpoint all of my feelings of mild depression, anxiety and loneliness and it all comes to gether as Isolation. I am isolated from.. well.. whatever other 20 year olds are doing. I see a bit of drugs here, a bit of drink there, a bit of pointless sex.. and I think to myself.. what fools! Well I'm a 20 year old virgin with no driving license (given up like 3 times), minimal friends, not much to look forward to or enjoy, what a fool I am indeed! The people who are out doing all of this stuff seem to have more a smile on their face then I do.

      I know I do kind of blame myself for this, but then:confused:, it's not like I havn't tried. When my friends are here, I definately milk it to the max by going on some random 6 hour walk in the woods, or, going and buying too much booze than we need and just going through it till we drop. However, one of the biggest problems I have his confidence. I don't rate myself very highly at all. As I walk down the street, I hate when I accidently make eye contact, I'm sure I blush. Voicemail? If my phone asks me to leave a voicemail, I'll hangup 90 percent out of fright in what to say! I wouldn't walk in a shop if there is too many customers there, or I'll hang on the side a bit until the queue dies down. I don't want to tell my parents how I feel, because well, they're bound to be insensative like every other time. I think bad things about me all the time, my looks, whatever small problems I have. Heck, it definately affects my sleep too! Unless I have a friend, I won't just hit the town, which I'd love to do! But then, the small time I have with my true friends is limited, so yeah.. a slight brick wall there.

      I also have an issue with expressing my feelings to my parents, or even being in their presence for too long.. I'm not sure what it is, but I think they just don't understand my way of thinking too well, or my type of emotions. I don't blame them or dislike them, simply, it is definately a setback for me because I walk in after work and get bombarbed with questions which I seem to think are annoyances or embarassing (even if it's, how was work), or on the odd occasion I do go out they pull out the "Oh, you're leaving your computer are ya?" or "Wow, are you feeling okay?" comments which are definately meant lightly, and as a joke but they do get to me and make me feel that my parents rate little of me. I just don't feel I connect with them much, at all.

      I have apsolutely nothing keeping me where I am right now (in my naive opinion). The very few people I want to retain contact with, well, hey, there's an app for that! A baby bird is meant to leave it's nest, and if I do miss my parents, well, I can phone them or visit. No long term commitments, no relationship, no nothing.I've got some skills which are quite well transferrable. I've got 3 years customer service experience, I've got good IT and Web skills and my English is pretty much on point. I can type extremely fast too. I'm pretty sure there's many jobs in many places that I could do. I score quite well in interviews, for some reason.. Hey, if a friend would do it with me, I'd save up a few thousand, write my goodbyes, pack my bags and get on the nearest one way train going anywhere, but they've all got their ties here, big ties which I just don't have or feel. And maybe I'd find a new social circle, a new life, who knows! I'm not too far off just doing it myself really, atleast it feels that way..

      Should I go, or, what else should I do?