I feel like life is slipping through my hands.

    • I feel like life is slipping through my hands.

      Sorry if this is long, but I'd really appreciate it if someone still responded, honestly. It would mean the world right now. <3
      I'm a freshman in high school, sophomore when the next school year begins in August.
      Even though I'm young, I've been through a lot of stuff throughout my life for a person my age, and I can't seem to grasp what my life will be later on.
      A problem that's recently been bothering me is that I feel like I'm gradually losing interest in boys; not altogether but in a dating sort of way. I've talked to a fair amount of boys through life- not too many and not a very small amount. I guess you can say a fair amount of guys have interest in me as well. Since I've had my first love (not my first boyfriend), I've started changing. I started to realize the bad people I've let into my life and have good judgement on who's really good for it. I'm also not fooled easily anymore. Nowadays, I see many cute guys around, but I don't have any interest at all. I want to have a good boyfriend or maybe just someone nice to talk to, but it seems almost impossible now. I've been talking to my first love for over a year and another guy for a few months, but I don't think neither will last any longer due to certain circumstances.
      I can't see myself after high school. I have dreams of what I want to be doing, but in the back of my head, something is always saying "are you serious..?" It's like there's no life for me in the future.
      With a very protective mom always sheltering me, I can never fully get out into the world. Riding through the town with friends and hanging with a bunch of friends somewhere might seem simple to others, but it's like the best day ever for me. Last summer was the best one I ever had simply because I got out once every month. With that being said, I stay in my room all day doing the same things as usual, leaving me to think the worst and feel like I'm missing out in life.
      I've been having health problems lately. I think I may have a stomach ulcer, and I wonder why I can't gain weight like I'd want. I'm very satisfied with my legs (size 5, just a jean size below most) but with my arms and stomach, they seem to not want to fill up, giving the illusion that I'm very skinny. I have long hair, but it seems like it's thinned out a lot which really bothers me if I'm losing hair.
      Through 6th and 7th grade, I suffered through depression. I got into some trouble in the middle of 7th which sparked my parents to have second thoughts trusting me. More than several times I thought about suicide. After accidentally having my first sip of alcohol last Thanksgiving and realizing what effect it can have on me, I've drunk two more times after that just to get to sleep easier after a really bad day. The taste is terrible, but it does its justice when falling asleep comes into the picture.
      I'm in really bad shape today so far. My first love and I might split completely- he's the only person I've ever met who really knows what my life is like in and out of school, and about my really bad past starting from when I was really young (four or five years old). I'm really bummed out about school ending soon. I don't like school, but just being able to see my friends. I know I'm going to have a hard time going to sleep tonight, so I may have the urge to drink. I've been thinking about sneaking out during the summer once in a while. Right now I really need to take my mind off of things and take things step by step. It's like my life is going by too fast for me and I can't catch up to its pace. I almost want it all to end.
      Any advice or helpful words would really help. If you understand how I'm feeling, respond if you'd like. Any good feedback would be great. Thanks in advance. <3
      I'd also like to add that I have a small case of S.A.D. (social anxiety disorder). It doesn't really show but it disables me from doing some stuff- not literally but I avoid them.

      Post was edited 2 times, last by Chay ().