there's no solution

    • there's no solution

      I guess there is no easy way to say this. I want to kill myself. I've seen and experienced a lot in my short time on this planet, it wasn't all bad, but I am past the point of reality. I know I am not the only one with problems, and I know there are people in far worse situations than me. But after everything that I've been through, there is no other way. I know this is a selfish decision, and I shudder to think what will happen to my brother if I go through with this. But in the end, I am doing this for him as well, although I could never justify this statement. I'll tell you a bit of my history up to this point. My mom was diagnosed with cancer when I was 14. For 6 years I watched the sickness destroy everything I loved in her, slowly, everyday eating away. I watched her in the hospital, consumed by pain, writhing and twitching, trying to act strong for our sakes. I watched her die. My family was devastated. I watch my brother and father lost in pain and memories, we were unable to speak to each other, I was unable to speak. My father wanted to, but I didn't know what to say or how I felt. For six months this continued. We were going in an ever downward spiral, and I am partially to blame I guess. 6 months after my mom's death, me and my brother came home, having spent the night at a friends, drink, smoking weed, drowning our sadness. I parked the car, my brother closed the gate, I saw my dad sitting in the middle of the lawn, I called out, I saw the gun move to his head, heard the shot, the bullet flew over my head. I wish it had hit me. I could never describe the image I saw. Again I had to watch someone die, my father, the only person who understood my mind, truly. I clutched his hand, knowing he couldn't hear or feel me, whispering that I loved him, that I am there, that he didn't die alone. My brother screamed, knowing that he will forever remember that image. A lot more can be said here, but this about the gist of it. Now I have financial trouble, I can't pay next months rent, we have inheritance money coming our way, but it isn't much. If I am gone, my brother will have a good shot at life. It will be enough to pay for his studies and help him on his way. If only I could ensure that the pain wouldn't break him, if I could make him see that he will be fine, that he could live a full life, that he can accomplish his goals without me. If I knew he would be okay, I would kill myself right now. I do not ask anything from 'god' or whatever created this universe, I am not mad at 'god' for anything, I jsut want to be free of this place, yes the easy way out, I know it's not right, but I simply believe that this life could have been so much more, and I don't know how to change it. I truly wish that one day we can understand each other, that humans will put the hatred aside and just live alongside one another. I don't know what's going to happen next, I just hope my brother and friends will find happiness.
    • Re: there's no solution

      Sorry for your loss.
      Suicide isnt the good option for this even if it seems good and easy.
      You should try to alk to anyone you can trust, your family, friends, teachers or even your brother. Just say before that you have a hard time talking about it and they will understand.
      I think it's good to talk with your brother about it too I think he will be happier if he can talk about what all happened too.
      Try to talk about it, I'm sure it will feel much better if you can talk about it.

      And to take your mind of it a bit try to spend some time with your friends or brother, do some fun stuff together. Or cause you are having some trouble with payments you could try to find a job together, not only this will help you with those payments but you will both meet some new people and that can do really good to you too.

      keep ur head up there and dont give up!
      [CENTER]It's the missing that will kill you,
      knowing you've missed your shot.
      ☆[/CENTER]
    • Re: there's no solution

      I know it's not a good option, and I have talked a lot to friends, family, my brother, I just can't escape my own mind. I'm not really depressed per say, although several arguments could be made here. I'm just tired of this society, and I don't see the point of this road we as humans are taking. I wish I could be having fun all of the time, and that has caused me to lose my job. I can get over the thought how short life is and how we are wasting time with all these bullshit illusions we have created for ourselves. But I know I have to adjust to how things are, and that's just it. I have to conform to a shaped society in order to have partial freedom. These thought are in plenty of peoples minds these days, but no one ever seems to do anything about it. And what can we do? I don't know if I would be able to end my life, but strangely it seems far more appealing than putting up with life everyday. I just want to stop thinking. But thank you your advice did procure a bit of solace. I am not even mad at my father for what he did, I am actually glad that he is free from all the pain.
    • Re: there's no solution

      You must understand that this world is big, humongous even, and that this society we live in, where our most important task seems to be to make money, is a lie. All of the beautiful perks of our society are hidden by the stress it brings upon us. Look past all of that stress you live daily and instead look at all of the great things like having your brother here with you, and the ability to renew your life any time you want (new friends, new job, new city, new apartment/home, discovering a new meal even, or seeing a new comedy; small things like that). Life is a journey which goes both up and down and in order to enjoy it you haave to climb back up that steep hill when it knocks you down.

      What you've went through during your life is truly hard to take and I could only imagine, but you seem to have made peace with it to a certain extent, and I honestly must applaud you for that because it shows strength of character. So many people would kill for that strength of character you have; you're strong and you have a good head on your shoulders. Life is about living your life; let the past be the past so that you can build a better future for both you and your brother because yes it's possible.

      I wish you the best, and I beg of you don't waste another second thinking of suicide, that's not your way out. ♥

      TeenageUnity.tumblr(dot)com for more advice whenever you need it
    • Re: there's no solution

      pale light this morning
      will wake me
      slow pain I feel
      will not let me be
      so much work to do
      don't know if i can
      I'm trying so hard, so hard, so hard
      but I am just one man
      5 years old, I climbed up on a wall
      my mother warned me, but I took no heed
      like all creatures great and small
      I took a fall and found out i could bleed
      these days I'm afraid of everything
      I suppose cause everything will die
      for who wants to love, but they will lose
      so much easier to lie
      sometimes I feel like I'm drowning
      actually it's more like most of the time
      every now and then when I am sleeping
      I still have a dream that I'm flying
      and I wake up crying