Well not going to make this a novel or w/e. If you want to divulge into my past go right ahead, Brief: Been through 3 divorces as a kid/teenager, 3 concussions( documented ), 11 fractures, and oh yeah almost died twice..and put a bb gun in my mouth at age 12...no trigger fired. Oh yeah, you would have never known out of a student athlete. Voted so much in year book, they had to take away a category. I later hit the deans list. Far as the almost dying twice, I had major surgery. Hear it goes, I had an organ removed, I notice myself getting weaker in the gym, at the time I benched 275. Suddenly my worst opponent was in my body...not on a playing field. I fought to the very end. I really did. I would want this on noone...except maybe a few really bad individuals...but nontheless. I was in a hospital for 4 to 5 days, n hr half away from home u see. Noone came to see me until i decided( and it was time ) to have surgery. I was left there not to eat or drink, and on corticoid steroids_ for those that don't know they are catabolic- being opposite of anabolic.
Anyway, had an organ removed, and an ileostomy. Plus I suffered a blood clot, and a TIA( a minor stroke ). I recovered. Plus two blood transfusions. However, i regained some mass and can maybe bench 290 now...wonder how big I woulda been? hmm...I got my associates, G.p.a above 3.0. However, before writing this, i actually was depressed...called my mother...told me to get ahold of myself. The thought lingered...So I took my vacum cleaner, wrapped it around a door, stood up on a chair......tied the cord around my neck...and it was weird, I was depressed but eh didn't think I'd actually try...I always said ppl who slit their wrists it's just a cry for help. If you wanna kill yourself you go for the corotoid artery in your neck. This all comes from the ascending aorta.. So in the mist of my thinking, pondering....I jumped off the chair with the cord around my neck. The cord slid off the door:angeldevil:. So, here I am typing. Basically b/c of everything( read above ) and bad sleeping patterns which effect my life to a greater amount....n yes been to therapist, a PCP, etc.....this is after I took xanax to. So lifes been a betch, yes. I blew two things that could have gotten me 17k in one week, believe it or not....So i'm just another w.e in this world. A former model....but the physical toll I can take, but the whole thing mentally, physically, and emotionally... it's harder to bare. I think for the most part.....i'm terminated. Am i good looking, yes. Do i have a degree in science, yes....can I do shet w/ any now..no...b/c of all my problems. I have searched relenelessly at possible careers. I'm screwed guys or gals. Please dn't take my subject matter and use to ur own, I have lived a scewed up life and been through alot......Back to the 17k do i need it, no. But it woulda gave me a sparke, not just money cause I did smthin and in one week. This just adds to the list of tries and fails. Like finding a right field to get into( tried for two years )...screwed.
So idk, a fake smile is me. I actually prayed that if someone was getting killed by a crime, let it be me instead...idc if I don't know the person. I just don't want an illness to take me. A good gun shot who cares.......In summation, ...the end. Game over. Nthin I can do. I want to live, not survive...ever since everything, panic attacks, anxiety, and useless potential and ambition to waste. Funny thing, a priest comes in before major surgeries, when asked q's or talking I said ask gawd( notice spelling ) to use my body to help others if he helps my body and I do okay. Well i tried on my end...Sometimes when I lift up my head , from being down, the only thing that touches my face is the cross around my neck. Funny how irony plays out, but it's just probability. I have taken too many hits and really its wore on me.....srry this is not upbeat...In rome, they use to say Dis Manibus...To the sacred of the dead. Trust me there's more...I grew up rough and it never stopped...mther spit in my face it goes on, she's been okay, but is scewy and erratic to a point things w her are nuts. She does do good things most don't, but she does things most mothers don't....n that over shadows what she does good.
Anyway, had an organ removed, and an ileostomy. Plus I suffered a blood clot, and a TIA( a minor stroke ). I recovered. Plus two blood transfusions. However, i regained some mass and can maybe bench 290 now...wonder how big I woulda been? hmm...I got my associates, G.p.a above 3.0. However, before writing this, i actually was depressed...called my mother...told me to get ahold of myself. The thought lingered...So I took my vacum cleaner, wrapped it around a door, stood up on a chair......tied the cord around my neck...and it was weird, I was depressed but eh didn't think I'd actually try...I always said ppl who slit their wrists it's just a cry for help. If you wanna kill yourself you go for the corotoid artery in your neck. This all comes from the ascending aorta.. So in the mist of my thinking, pondering....I jumped off the chair with the cord around my neck. The cord slid off the door:angeldevil:. So, here I am typing. Basically b/c of everything( read above ) and bad sleeping patterns which effect my life to a greater amount....n yes been to therapist, a PCP, etc.....this is after I took xanax to. So lifes been a betch, yes. I blew two things that could have gotten me 17k in one week, believe it or not....So i'm just another w.e in this world. A former model....but the physical toll I can take, but the whole thing mentally, physically, and emotionally... it's harder to bare. I think for the most part.....i'm terminated. Am i good looking, yes. Do i have a degree in science, yes....can I do shet w/ any now..no...b/c of all my problems. I have searched relenelessly at possible careers. I'm screwed guys or gals. Please dn't take my subject matter and use to ur own, I have lived a scewed up life and been through alot......Back to the 17k do i need it, no. But it woulda gave me a sparke, not just money cause I did smthin and in one week. This just adds to the list of tries and fails. Like finding a right field to get into( tried for two years )...screwed.
So idk, a fake smile is me. I actually prayed that if someone was getting killed by a crime, let it be me instead...idc if I don't know the person. I just don't want an illness to take me. A good gun shot who cares.......In summation, ...the end. Game over. Nthin I can do. I want to live, not survive...ever since everything, panic attacks, anxiety, and useless potential and ambition to waste. Funny thing, a priest comes in before major surgeries, when asked q's or talking I said ask gawd( notice spelling ) to use my body to help others if he helps my body and I do okay. Well i tried on my end...Sometimes when I lift up my head , from being down, the only thing that touches my face is the cross around my neck. Funny how irony plays out, but it's just probability. I have taken too many hits and really its wore on me.....srry this is not upbeat...In rome, they use to say Dis Manibus...To the sacred of the dead. Trust me there's more...I grew up rough and it never stopped...mther spit in my face it goes on, she's been okay, but is scewy and erratic to a point things w her are nuts. She does do good things most don't, but she does things most mothers don't....n that over shadows what she does good.