I don't even know why i am writing here. I am just a emotional mess right now. Yesterday i decided to try masturbating one more time, since i thought i i should tr once more, and i also thought my girlfriend thought it's "my choice", so i did it. Well, it did nothing good. She made a joke earlier this morning about me and that woman i thought of doing it with sitting in a tree, fucking. 
That made me so sad, but i guess i deserve it. I am just a punching bag for people. Sad, depressed, miserable mess with no feelings. I was thinking of going fully punchbag, for a lack of a better term. Pee in my pants, let snot flow freely, slit my wrists, never wash, let my posture go worse, burn myself, stuff like that. She has said several times that maybe she should kill herself, since everyone just makes her feel quilty, but what the fuck? I am crying for my life, saying it's all my fault. And if she does it, i will have no hope of ever recovering. I will either follow her or make my life as miserable as i can. That's it. Obviously i still care about my feelings a little, otherwise i would not have written this, so it might not be too late to get me back. But really, who threatens suicide to a depressed person who has no on else left? And don't say i should dump her, because i love her from all my heart, and once i just get in the mood, i am determined to fix it all.
That made me so sad, but i guess i deserve it. I am just a punching bag for people. Sad, depressed, miserable mess with no feelings. I was thinking of going fully punchbag, for a lack of a better term. Pee in my pants, let snot flow freely, slit my wrists, never wash, let my posture go worse, burn myself, stuff like that. She has said several times that maybe she should kill herself, since everyone just makes her feel quilty, but what the fuck? I am crying for my life, saying it's all my fault. And if she does it, i will have no hope of ever recovering. I will either follow her or make my life as miserable as i can. That's it. Obviously i still care about my feelings a little, otherwise i would not have written this, so it might not be too late to get me back. But really, who threatens suicide to a depressed person who has no on else left? And don't say i should dump her, because i love her from all my heart, and once i just get in the mood, i am determined to fix it all. 