I'm up at 4 in the morning, so I decided to write. Sorry if it doesn't make sense, I just felt like posting it.

Happiness is a Lie

Going through the motions of self-control
Pretending nothing matters, like you have no soul
The time ticks by and the pressure cracks
Through to the bones - they sear through attacks

What's the difference between the young and stupid?
If it's all the same to you, I'll remain informed and depressed
Knowing the truth is worth more than happiness, because honesty is real
Happiness is a lie when you're inside my head

I love easy and lose hard, but I'm no fool to believe in forever
Forever comes too quick, like the Knight that never shows when you need him
I cry for you almost every night, wishing you'd just see the words I write
You mean everything and nothing - I can't compete

What's the difference between love and friendship?
If it's all the same to you, I'll remain alone and distanced.
Knowing what's real is worth more than the weeks we spend together
Happiness is a lie when you're inside my head

It's fine, I'm alright - just a million more lies
Do you say it for yourself to keep the dream alive?
It hurts them more, but I'll never speak a word of truth
Because silence is the secret, the utopia where I live

What's the difference between freedom and laughter?
If it's all the same to you, I'll remain trapped and quiet
Knowing what's out there is worth more because what happens next
Happiness is a lie when you're inside my head

All the lies and half-truths that nobody has to know
I'm just hurting myself, but it's better than me than you
I laugh at the truth now, the pain minus beauty

What's the difference between inspiration and happiness?
If it's all the same to you, I'll remain intrigued by sadness
Knowing what it feels like is worth more than the alternate numbness
Happiness is a lie when you're inside my head

Will everything become all better, like they do on TV?
Do they wind up in love or become best friends?
One goes out and the other stays home
I'm just here, looking at the world

What's the difference between reality and fantasy?
If it's all the same to you I'll remain unconscious.
Knowing is a pain, worth more than the pennies inside my pocket
Happiness is a lie when you're inside my head

I was in a bad place and kind of tired when I wrote that. Re-reading, I think it's actually kind of terrible. I had stuff written, but I changed it quite a bit and think that was a big mistake. I might post something else alter, but I don't have my book here.

I'm still a little rusty, trying to get back into writing poetry is kind of hard since I've been writing stories instead for about two years.

However, I was thinking about someone who passed away, and how it's almost been a year now. This kind of got me sparked a little. It's still not perfect, but it should get the view across.


On that warm August evening, the tears stung in my eyes
I read the words that I couldn’t believe, and to this day they still sting strong
The body was yours, you weren’t coming back and for that I hated you
But it was only for a moment, then I understood there was no hate to be due
The smiles and laughter, they weren’t always real, and more often than not they were just for appeal
The slippery slope, how I’ve been there before. The sadness seems like madness, and the pain never stops
To cure this illness, is to cure the soul – but the darkness is a monster, who can swallow you whole
The longer you try, the more useless it seems – but I’ll always keep on trying with you in my dreams
My fighter, my glory – this is far from the ending of your story.
.

I stopped taking my pills a while ago, so I'm waiting for them to kick in again ... but life's been beyond stressful lately... and it's almost the 1 year anniversary of two really painful things, so I've been thinking down a lot. Also, possibly too much Dostoyevsky.

I'll try to write something not so depressing for you... eventually.

(what about a pathetic love sonnet? haha I have one of those)

I take pills for depression and anxiety, but I have issues with continuing them.

Depressing poems are easy to write because it's raw emotion, same with love. It doesn't have to be logical. Happiness is easier to write in a story because when you're happy it doesn't seem all clustered, I guess...

I think it greatly depends on your state of mind. Drawings are easy for both. You can draw a picture of nature or anything you like and it'll be happy, or you can draw a place you hare or a monster in your dreams. Music is basically poetry, so happy can work - but anger is easier. Novels are like art, it depends on what you write... they tend to break even though. Too much of either gets boring.

I'm not really into manga or anime. Thanks for sharing, though.

So, things kind of happened and it got a little worse. So I wrote something else, but again it's not happy.


Why I'm Afraid of Happy

I'm afraid of happy because the fall is too deep
You get picked up, and then swept off your feet
Nobody really judges each smile they get
Not until they're left with a pit of regret

Back in the summer, after I fell pretty hard
That first sign of fall and that chill morning air
The smile found it's place, and I sighed with relief
Only to be struck with a traumatizing grief

Those forty-four men, plus the one who survived
That terrible day, why was I still alive?
So many heroes - fathers, and sons
And there I was smiling over cold, frosty air

I'm afraid of happy because karma's a bitch
Clearly I don't deserve it; I have some kind of glitch
Nothing is real, no happy will stay
The good feelings fade, but the pain won't go away

I'm afraid of happy because things never change.

(And I was feeling good this morning)