Not feeling 'there'

    • Not feeling 'there'

      I just don't understand myself right now. For about a year and a half - two years I had been battling really difficult emotions, self harm and rejection issues. I went on antidepressants and saw a counsellor to try and help and eventually got into (what I thought was) a better place.

      However, since I went back to school I just don't feel present. It's very difficult to describe but it's almost like I'm in a kind of interactive tour of the world, I'm ambling along through it but not actually a part of it. I have felt like it before but it seems to be becoming more prominent and its scaring me. It's weird because I'm not feeling suicidal or even severely depressed but I can't shake the urge to hurt myself, or put myself in a dangerous situation just to see what it feels like.

      I'm guessing the first thing people are going to say is 'talk to your friends about how you feel' but I really don't want to be a burden to them, especially with Uni applications going on right now. And talking to a counsellor hasn't really worked for me, sorry...

      I'd just really appreciate any kind of analysis or interpretation on this because I just don't know what's going on with me. Thank you so much.
    • Re: Not feeling 'there'

      Yeah, that last bit really makes sense to me. I can't say I feel unfulfilled, purely because I don't set many expectations for myself anyway. I just have no idea what I'm doing. Every day feels kind of pointless since I don't know what's in store for the future, and that really scares me.

      It's a very long story with the whole friends/family thing but I'll try and keep it as short as I can. My parents are divorced and it's always bothered me that they split pretty much straight after I was born. I feel like I was the catalyst. I'm fortunate enough to have a really wonderful stepdad now, but now in feel like i have too much to lose. Even the smallest fight between him and my mum happens and I'm convinced they're breaking up and I get so desperate and hysterical.

      In terms of friends, one of the things that has been distressing for a couple of years now is this feeling for one of my friends. I've known for a long time that I feel so strongly about her. I know it's a cliche, and I've wanted to avoid saying this, but I really feel in love with her. But she doesn't feel the same way about me. I know this because we had an 'encounter' and she made it very clear that it was just a sexual thing. But not to me it wasn't. I've never had the courage to tell her, and I don't know if I ever will, but more than anything I'm terrified of losing her.

      So that's my spiel... If it sounds in any way cliche and whiny teenager I really apologise. I guess i just find it hard to find the right ways to express my feelings :/

      I really appreciate your reply btw.
    • Re: Not feeling 'there'

      Understandable. I've had my own scares about life, being scared about staying and doing the same thing, that I'm unfulfilled, etc. You're still in school however, and you've got time to think about things. As of right now how you feel seems similar to what I've felt before, and I'd recommend a few things that may/may not help.
      a) I don't know how close you are to this girl friend of yours, but keeping these kinds of things inside will just slowly eat you. Even if she tells you no, I think it would be important that there's an understanding that she knows, or even that her friends know.
      b) I found that writing helped me. I wrote a bit of an autobiography, and in a way it's kind of like self-councelling and meditation. I'm not much of a writer but being able to express your own story on paper or the computer is a good way of relaxing a little.

    • Re: Not feeling 'there'

      Thanks, I'm sorry you felt like this too cos tbh it's really quite horrible but it's nice to have someone who you can relate to.

      Yeah, thats the thing, she's one of my best friends... And it does actually feel like it's slowly eating me but I genuinely don't feel like i can do anything because I see no positive outcome. She'd never want me that way, so if I tell her (or she finds out through someone else) I'd probably just repel her.

      I have thought about writing actually but never really pushed forward with it so to speak. Now that I've got another perspective I might give it a go, maybe, see what happens...

      Thanks for all your help.
    • Re: Not feeling 'there'

      If you think there is no positive outcome, then the best is to try to move on. I've been in a similar situation where I really liked this girl for a few years but I never told her, and it just kept eating at me until I left that school.
      I recommend writing. Whether it's something you'd want to share, or keep locked up, I definitely recommend it (again). Feel free to send me a PM or make another topic later on.

    • Re: Not feeling 'there'

      Hi there,
      I completely understand what you're going through. For three years i suffered with depression, i was physically present at school and through all social events but mentally i wasn't. I could go through days without really hearing a word of what anyone said. Eventually it got too much for me and i quit college all together, i stopped going out. I isolated myself from the world.
      I was then referred to a councellor (i saw many!) - again these didn't help me. Around a year later i was put on anti-depressants. I was rubbish with remembering to take them and when i forgot everyone around me knew. I was then sent to see a psychiatrist - who again didn't help. So two doctors, five councellors and a psychiatrist later i was still in the same boat.
      I didn't feel like i had a problem. Yes - i felt bad all the time, but didn't everyone? I lost around a stone dropping to 7 stone (at the age of 18), but i wasn't the skinniest person alive! I was self harming, but it wasn't everyday. I always found an excuse to make myself believe that i was still 'normal'. Earlier this year i tried to commit suicide and ended up being rushed to hospital in an ambulance. This was when i realised i had a problem.

      After this day i stopped taking all my medication (through fear of having it handy and taking an over dose again when i felt low). I knew i had a problem and i was determined to get through it. That is the scariest part, coming to the realisation that the only person who can make you happy and help you overcome this problem is yourself.
      All the time you rely on other people life doesn't get better. Of course others can help guide you through life, but at the end of the day it is your life. You have to make the decision and you have to want to get better and want to be happy.
      I really hope that you can find a way to turn your life around and see the positive side, because it really is worth it.
      If you need any help or guidance please dont hesitate to contact me.
      Fingers crossed for the future,
      [CENTER][SIZE=4]- Stay Strong -[/SIZE][/CENTER]
      [CENTER][SIZE=3]love is louder than the pressure[/SIZE][/CENTER]
      [CENTER][SIZE=3]to be perfect[/SIZE][/CENTER]
    • Re: Not feeling 'there'

      Thank you Lorah. This really hit home and I'm happy to hear you're getting better. I am trying different ways to try and distract myself from my problems and feel like I'm making myself useful. I've been told that I'm the sort of person that blows the bad things out of proportion and overlooks the good altogether, so although I feel like I'm slowly getting there, sometimes one bad day can send me back to square one. So I have had a couple of minor slips lately, but not dangerously bad :/

      I really will try and take your advice because it's basically what my mum and my best friends have told me. It's just gonna be tough to change my attitude about myself more than anything. But I will try...