Just..Read, Please.

    • Just..Read, Please.

      Okay, so I guess ever since I was 3, I was abused by my father. I don't mean spanks, I mean hitting against walls, choked with wires, drowning me etc.
      He really hated me and wanted me to die, up until I was 8 he stopped the abuse, but still hit me and slapped me. I would usually make up lies to my friends and teachers when they ask, such as I fell, etc. My father and mother would insult me, call me ugly, fat, stupid, worthless, a bitch etc. When I was 8, I cut for the very first time...I tried to kill myself, 8 years old....yeah, I knew a lot...I was a book reader, and as alone all the other kids...I would bottle it up inside. By the time I was 13 I had tried suicide over 13 times. I am now 15, and I have attempted suicide 16 times. I self-harm and have an eating disorder.
      Bullying started in Grade 4, from my cuts, bleeds, and eating disorder.

      I'm actually glad I'm alive. You know why? Its because it could have been my sisters fighting for there lives, cutting, eating disorder, trying to kill themselves. thats the last thing I'd want. My sisters mean everything to me, and I never plan on letting them go.

      Yet cutting is addictive, I am depressed most of the time...my dad went to prison, for child abuse. The self-harm....I can't stop, theres a voice in the back of my head saying I'm horrible, fat, disgusting, ugly etc. I choose to believe it...because I can't stop believing it...you have no idea what it feels like...nobody understands my pain.

      I can't be happy anymore like I used to, actually...I don't think I've had a real smile on my face before. Its hard to believe, but I am not a humerus person...I'm fun...funny myself, just I don't feel it.

      I used to have a boyfriend, I loved him...but when I told him this, he immediately left me...I feel lost and alone. I feel like nobody loves me.

      I'm not a therapist, but I will promise you this, if you go through what I do, I promise I will care. I will listen to you.

      I'll always be here for anyone who needs me, I'll always be a helping hand or a listening ear. Because I know what it feels like to believe nobody cares. I know what its like to feel alone, suffocated in your own thoughts. I know how just one person can change someones life. I'm here for anyone that needs me, just to prove that compassion still exists. I'm here for you.

      I am worthless, nobody cares. <3
      [COLOR="Black"][FONT="Courier New"][SIZE="4"]"The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase; if you pursue happiness you'll never find it."[/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]
    • Re: Just..Read, Please.

      Eminemaniac wrote:

      I'm so sorry that you had to go through all this, but you're a wonderfully strong person to keep carrying on. It's very inspiring that you're now reaching out to others too.

      ...May i offer a hug? :hugs:


      Of course :) -Hugs- :hugs:

      Thankyou.
      [COLOR="Black"][FONT="Courier New"][SIZE="4"]"The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase; if you pursue happiness you'll never find it."[/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]
    • Re: Just..Read, Please.

      Nobody doesn't not care, and you're not worthless. A forum is a community, sometimes a family. Your story is terrible, and it's something that nobody should ever have to go through. I've gone through some abuse as a younger child which still affects me with certain things today. No matter what the experience, they all build us in different ways; stronger or weaker, they make you "you".

      It's great that you chose to share your story and help others. I hope that writing this out helps you as well.

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    • Re: Just..Read, Please.

      Gee Kim, that's really sad to read. I was also somewhat psychologically abused by my father (still am), not because he's a bad person, but because he has obsessive compulsive disorder and he's a real asshole when he's all obsessive. I've never been close to what you've been, but if you still ever feel like talking you can talk to me. Mexicans gotta stick together :hugs:
      "And those who dancing were though to be insane by those who couldn't hear the music" Friedrich Nietzsche[LEFT][SIGPIC][/SIGPIC][/LEFT]
    • Re: Just..Read, Please.

      Didn't read all or even most of it.

      You should become a power ranger, vigilante, or freedom fighter.

      No BS.

      You're already killing yourself, right?

      Well, FUCK THAT!

      Put that same energy into being useful.
      Like go hide in alleys and stop crime or something.

      That would be awesome.

      All the best-

      Ish
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    • Re: Just..Read, Please.

      Thankyou guys, I plan on helping others who go through what I do, I want to put a stop to child abuse...if only I could. :c

      And Ish, your point means nothing in this topic. If your gonna' be rude over something thats serious, and if you don't care, don't comment.
      [COLOR="Black"][FONT="Courier New"][SIZE="4"]"The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase; if you pursue happiness you'll never find it."[/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]
    • Re: Just..Read, Please.

      You can let go. No one is forcing you to stay.

      Your little woe is me tale is fascinating, and as much as I would like to be sympathetic, I can't help but think if you really tried 15 times in the last year at least one attempt would've been successful, and to our dismay, it hasn't.

      You need to think thoroughly about things, you might have gone through suffering, but so has everyone. It might not be as dramatic as yours, but you MUST understand pain is relative, not subjective.
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      Post was edited 1 time, last by Elija ().

    • Re: Just..Read, Please.

      I really am so so sorry that you had to go through such awful things, nobody should have to go through that :( but please don't ever think you're worthless or that nobody cares about you because it's definitely not true! You seem like a lovely, genuine person and that alone should be reason enough to keep smiling :) Good luck and if you ever need to talk I'm always here! :D

      Ellie :p xoxo
    • Re: Just..Read, Please.

      Elija wrote:

      You can let go. No one is forcing you to stay.

      Your little woe is me tale is fascinating, and as much as I would like to be sympathetic, I can't help but think if you really tried 15 times in the last year at least one attempt would've been successful, and to our dismay, it hasn't.

      You need to think thoroughly about things, you might have gone through suffering, but so has everyone. It might not be as dramatic as yours, but you MUST understand pain is relative, not subjective.


      Come on man, do you think ANYBODY really needs to hear that? We're not here to tear each other to pieces; I think these days the real world does enough tearing teenagers down.

      Also, she cuts. If you knew anything about suicide, cutting is only successful about 7% of the time. The probability of her surviving 16 attempts is .93^16 or still about 1/3.

      But that's all beside the point. If you don't believe her, that's fine, but you don't have to come out and tell everyone you think she's lying. I for one have a number of friends I personally know who have been through similar experiences.

      MoreLikeKimmy wrote:

      Thankyou guys, I plan on helping others who go through what I do, I want to put a stop to child abuse...if only I could. :c


      I wish you luck, and who's stopping you? Plenty call me naive, but I believe we only get this one life, and it's not worth settling for anything less than everything you want. Pursue what you want to do, and pursue it and nothing else. Don't get distracted. Don't get sidetracked. If you're going to fail, fail epicly.

      Whatever you choose to do, I hope things get better, and you see that everybody is worth something. If you ever need anything, I'll do my best to be here to talk.
    • Re: Just..Read, Please.

      BboyStyle wrote:

      Come on man, do you think ANYBODY really needs to hear that? We're not here to tear each other to pieces; I think these days the real world does enough tearing teenagers down.

      Also, she cuts. If you knew anything about suicide, cutting is only successful about 7% of the time. The probability of her surviving 16 attempts is .93^16 or still about 1/3.

      But that's all beside the point. If you don't believe her, that's fine, but you don't have to come out and tell everyone you think she's lying. I for one have a number of friends I personally know who have been through similar experiences.


      By apologizing you are doing her more harm than good.

      She does not have the right to use past events to further her life, or play the sympathy card. I'm simply teaching her, before society destroys her.

      If you think 'knowing' about suicide constitutes reading statistics you're dead wrong too. She stated suicide attempts, cutting is not a suicide attempt. It's a cry for attention. People who kill themselves often leave their family and loved ones wondering what the hell they did wrong because it's not obvious, it's not spoken about.

      The fact she can type all of this out, infront of the world, with a real picture next to her profile clearly shows me she's comfortable with what happened (If it happened at all), and if so, why does she feel the need to say it?

      Because she wants attention. I don't knock it, we all want attention, but my problem is you're trying to say who is right and wrong, without realizing there is no right and wrong answer to this situation. I won't apologize, she's got over it, who cares?

      The best way to help someone is to tell them the truth, and the truth is, if she wants to die, I'll give her all my support and so should you! Death isn't a macabre, black lifeless thing, there's real beauty in the fact you're giving back to nature what you've taken. I suggest you stop adding egotistical self-serving value to death, you're only fueling people to cut themselves.

      I'd celebrate her willingness to die if I was her.
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      Erykah Badu - I Want You
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      Post was edited 6 times, last by Elija ().

    • Re: Just..Read, Please.

      Right, to start this off you are NOT worthless! You didn't deserve anything that happened to you and i am so sorry that you had to go through that - especially at such a young age. There are alot of people out there who do care about you. You are so very special and so strong to have dealt with that and still be standing strong today.
      Your sisters and family must be so proud of you. I hope they see you as their inspiration!

      When you say that nobody understands, your wrong. There are alot of other girls who feel exactly the same. Obviously every story is different and everyone copes in completely different ways. I was abused as a child - sexually. The same with you, i am glad it was me and not my sisters. I started cutting myself when i was 11 years old, i started with my wrists and then my legs. I still have scars to this day. When i was 14 years old my best friend and boyfriend of two years passed away in a car accident. I was heart broken. he had been there for me through everything and he was gone. No goodbye, nothing. Your boyfriend must have gotten scared when you told him, it is alot for someone to take in. You deserve so much better though hun, trust me!
      I went to the Doctors and was put on medication. Over eight years i saw 3 doctors, 5 counsellors and a therapist. Two years ago i developed an eating disorder and lost over two stone and was very underweight (i was also sent to a specialist about this). Just over eight months ago i attempted to commit suicide. Thats when i realised i couldn't carry on my life like this.

      I am very grateful to everyone who has helped me get to where i am now. Yes, i still suffer with an eating disorder but it is getting better. I no longer class myself as having depression although i do have my ups and downs - who doesn't! I can't say i'll never cut again, like you said it is an addiction and it's one i hope i can eventually quit.

      You are a real trooper and i do very hope that one day you'll have a smile on your face - one that is 100% real and not forced. With the positive attitude you have i am sure you'll get there. I have faith in you!

      I hope you've inspired lots of other girls out there to tell their story and to get help before it's too late!

      Good luck with the future,
      Stay strong and stay positive,
      Lorah,
      x
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